“Grieve. So that you can be free to feel something else.” – Nayyirah Waheed

I recently had a dark moment where everything was too much – I was not OK, the situation was not OK, nothing was OK – and I felt myself closing up and shutting down because it was all just too much.

I found out that we were unable to adopt our foster son, who had been part of our family for three years, and who we thought would be part of our family forever.  And, he would be leaving us in a matter of days.  We were devastated.  We were heartbroken.

I cried for days, unable to wrap my brain around this new reality.  Unable to function in real life – only able to do the bare minimum at home and at work.  Then I felt like I needed to escape – like if I stayed in the house, I would go crazy.  I had to do something, I had to get out.  As I drove out to the beach, my healing place, I found myself closing up and shutting down.  The pain felt like too much and I felt myself begin to push it away, to build a wall around myself and my heart so that I didn’t have to feel it.

Thankfully, I could feel what was happening. I could feel my heart shutting down.  I stopped myself and thought “No! I will not do this.”  As I drove, I prayed for my heart to open and vowed that I will not let this harden my heart and change who I am. I will not focus on the pain and on all the things wrong and let this change my view of the world. I will feel every painful moment and let it rip my heart open over and over again, and cling to faith and spirit and those that I love while it’s not OK – until it is. Because I know that it will be. I know that there is always collateral beauty, grace, and deep love if you are willing to keep your heart open to it. And I know that the only way to heal it is to feel it.

Everything that happens in our lives is happening for us.  To see, feel and heal those buried and broken parts of ourselves.  To release the pain that we have been carrying, avoiding, stuffing and to instead feel it all.  Not to get caught up in the stories, what is wrong or who is to blame, but to feel it.  Life is not trying to break us down, it is trying to break us open so we can release this pain and be more of who we truly are – love.

“Bless the thing that broke you down and cracked you open because the world needs you open.” – Rebecca Campbell

Blocking out the pain also blocks out the love, and I am not willing to do that. I am still here to spread love and be love (just like we all are). And although this made it a lot harder in that moment, it also made it that much more important.

The only way out is through…and I will keep going, feeling every painful feeling, and choosing love at every step along the way.