This year has been quite the adventure so far and it’s becoming more and more difficult. It feels like I don’t have time to process something before I need to process something new.  I delayed defending my dissertation because the final phase of my dissertation got corona’d. I missed the birth of my nephew. I missed my granmda’s 90th birthday.

Being alone in Philly during the pandemic while my family is in Egypt hasn’t been easy, but I’ve been managing.

Being an international student in the US during the pandemic has been its own adventure, especially this past week-10 days with the whole “if your institution is going remote, you have to transfer to a different one that’s hybrid/face-to-face or you’ll get deported…but also if it is hybrid and goes fully remote at any point, you have to transfer to one that is hybrid/face-to-face or get deported.”

My life is a moving target and I have no control.

I like control. Not the “I have to control everything” but more of the “I’d like my life to follow a certain path but believe I’m flexible to a point.”

A pandemic, hiring freeze, and changes to work visa possibilities for international students hasn’t been pleasant. The only thing I can do is continue working on my dissertation and submitting all the documents I need to apply for OPT so I can start working.

Friends in Egypt have been asking when I can go visit and are dumbfounded when I say I can’t since right now it’s too risky, not just because of the pandemic. I’m also waiting on a status change as an international student. It’ll take 3-5 months for this to go through…if it doesn’t, I have to move back to Egypt. In the meantime, all I can do is wait.

While waiting I am struggling to deal with people who, on a professional level, do not like that I self-advocate. People who want to placate. That worries me because this is likely to make things escalate. I learned a long time ago that when people feel the need to defend themselves to this extent, they push things away. More often than not, this makes things worse. What started as a letter expressing my feelings about the misspelling of my name being compounded by other experiences is now a full-blown discrimination issue.

Sometimes when people say they want to hear you, they try to silence you in the same breath.

Sometimes when people say they have your back, it’s only because it furthers their agenda and they’ll abandon you once you fulfill your purpose/need.

Sometimes when people say that think you misunderstood or they miscommunicated, they really meant what they said but didn’t think you’d catch on.

Sometimes when people have an inaccurate perception of you and freely share that, they turn people you don’t have a relationship against you.

Sometimes it’s easier for people to see you as someone who complains rather than address the actual issues you’re bringing to light.

Sometimes people are cowardly and hide behind their positions and assumptions rather than engage in meaningful dialogue.

I, for one, am exhausted!

I don’t know when I’ll see my family and friends in Egypt again.

I don’t know if I’ll ever see my grandma again.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to meet my baby nephew.

I’m terrified that I may end up being separated from my pups, even if it’s temporary.

I do know I won’t stop fighting for what’s right and will continue to stand for beliefs that align with my values. It’s the only thing I can do.