My belief, for as long as I can remember, has been, ‘no one can hurt you like your family’. That belief has been a carving knife to my heart and the wounds have been mostly self-inflicted. As I get older I question the validity of this belief, and maybe a truer statement should be, ‘no one can hurt you the way you hurt yourself’.

If you’ve lived long enough you know the heart can hold many emotional injuries, and if we don’t allow ourselves the time and space to heal, these injuries can create long-lasting damage.

It’s from this perspective that I want to share my story, reminding myself continuously that I am the captain of my ship. Capable, in any given moment, to venture into the storm or to navigate away. 

I have to be honest, writing this piece has been a process. It began in August where I used ‘expressive writing’ to process my feelings and emotions. It’s a tool I have used for years and one that has saved me from creating unnecessary drama. Unfortunately, I don’t always catch myself in time and my emotions can sometimes get the best of me.

My son (and my daughter) often remind me, whenever I let my emotions get the best of me, that I’m crazy. Of course, I take this comment with a grain of salt. I know what crazy is and what it looks like (I grew up surround by it), and I take pride that I don’t handle conflict the way I was shown as a child.  But I also take this comment in, with the awareness that my children are my greatest teachers. I strive to be better for them and am very mindful they don’t carry my wounds and believe my work in this life, as their mother, is to heal from my childhood trauma.

So my story and its gift of teaching go like this. 

My son and his long-time girlfriend came to the Okanagan camping for a few days. They decided to stay an hour from me, where my brother goes the same time every year for thirty years. My son and my brother work together and have a close relationship. I’m happy about this. 

They arrive late one night to stay with me on their way to the campground, and we had a lovely night together.  My brother and my sister-in-law also came for a short visit the following morning on their way to their Air B&B. My heart was full. 

I mention to my son before he left that I hoped to see them while they’re here. As soon as the words ‘maybe we can grab a coffee?’ left my mouth, I felt the energy shift. His girlfriend went quiet and the air thickened. My son explained to me that they want to be alone, and don’t want to plan anything. I get it. My son works hard, and they have a busy life. I want them to have a nice time so I offer to take care of their dog so they can go on a date. They accept, and I feel hopeful that I’ll get a chance to see them. I also mention to my brother and sister-in-law that I would like to come for a visit one day while they’re here. This request is shut down for various reasons. I feel the first sting in my heart. 

I had hoped someone would reply, ‘We would love to see you, not sure when but let’s make it work!’. I believed at the time that these words would have been a balm to my heart. I also know that having too many expectations is never a good thing.

I spoke to my son briefly the following morning on the phone. He said he was going to meet my brother and his family at the beach for coffee. A little poke of thought entered my head, ’Why wasn’t I invited to have a coffee with them?’

The day passed not hearing from anybody. I went to the beach near me and had a slow and relaxing day. I listened to The Devil and Miss Prym by Paulo Coelho. I laugh at the irony that this was the book I chose to listen to while I wrestled with my ego and hurt feelings. I embraced the small moments of joy in my day and felt peace in the beauty that surrounded me. 

When the feelings of being excluded arose I felt physically ill and wanted to vomit. It still surprises me how emotions in our body can be so strong and unrelenting. Throughout the day I was able to connect to my solar plexus (Manipura Chakra) and was aware of my underlying low self-esteem that has carried forward from my childhood. It honestly felt like all my power was draining from me. My heart also ached with the fundamental belief that I’m not lovable (Anahata Chakra). This fundamental belief has been with me for as long as I can remember. 

The following morning after my beach day I got a call from my son. He woke me up from a dream I was having with him and my brothers’ family on a boat together. I was waving at them alone on the shore. 

He asked if they could drop off their dog. (I was so excited to babysit and see my son again). 

‘Yes, of course’ I responded, then asked what they got up to the day before. ’Oh, we just hung out at the beach with uncle’. His voice rushed into the phone and my feeling of not being included sprang out through my tears. My head buzzed. I got off the phone barely holding myself together, just long enough to tell him I was getting up. 

Thoughts whirled in my head, the feeling of needing to vomit was back with a vengeance. ‘They spent the day together hanging at the beach and no one thought of asking me to join?’ Then I sent a text telling him I couldn’t believe that no one thought to invite me.

My hurt inner child reacted quickly, and when she does I have a hard time handling my feelings with grace. At that moment I felt unable to suppress my feelings and he got mad. He said I was acting crazy. ‘What’s the matter with you?’ he responded.  

Afterward, we spoke briefly on the phone while I continued to let my sadness spill over him. He didn’t understand why I would feel hurt. He couldn’t understand my feelings of exclusion, or why I believe people rarely think of another’s feelings. 

I often wonder if I set something in motion when I left my home town after my mom died (I was twenty). I became the lone wolf and felt unmoored. In my thirties, when I married the father of my children and started having babies I felt complete for the first time in years. 

In the two years I’ve lived in the Okanagan it was my son’s first visit. When he gets holidays during the year he often goes back to our hometown of Nelson. I was excited to have him come for the night, to hang around my stomping grounds. My daughter has been here a few times, but she also goes back to her childhood home often. This reality has taken its toll and my insecure inner child feels the burn of rejection. 

My childhood wounds run deep. 

When I finished the call with my son, he stood by his belief that my feelings were unwarranted. He also informed me that he was leaving and going to Nelson. He was supposed to be here for five days.

Shame and guilt engulfed me, while my belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with me echoed through my head. I had wanted to take care of their dog so bad and to be with my family, but my fear of not being included turned into a deeper level of rejection. 

My thoughts and the belief of those thoughts created a deeper separation. Also, my study of pre and perinatal psychology has educated me in the knowledge that the message of not being wanted runs deep. My mom told me when I was seventeen that I wasn’t planned and that I wasn’t wanted by my dad. She told me she went as far as to get an abortion but changed her mind at the last minute. I know she told me this as a way to soothe her guilt, I also know that she loved me deeply, and by sharing this was also saying how her choices demonstrated how much she wanted me. But I also know that the message I received as an infant was one of confusion and non-attachment. Like most of us, my childhood was not all roses and sunshine. 

I am a continual work in progress and have a life that I am deeply grateful for. In all the lessons that help me deepen into a more conscious being, I’m thankful. So today I hope you can join me in this prayer. 

‘I pray for guidance and trust in the unfoldment of life’.

I am not saying that changing the way we see things is easy, but to find healing and wholeness we need to understand ourselves, and to be able to understand our reactions. I know I will feel hurt again, but I also know that I can govern my thoughts and actions in any situation. 

As Eckhart Tolle says, ’Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness.’