I turned thirty, three weeks ago. It was horrendous.

Besides getting a few birthday wishes on Facebook, two cards and some gifts, it wasn’t what I planned.

I wanted to mark the day wearing my 30th tiara and the sequin dress that’s still wrapped up . I mean who turns thirty and doesn’t want to remember it? Well, I actually spent the day on my own because not only did COVD 19 ruin my plans,  and I had a fibro flare up, but my relationship with my mother is lukewarm. It took strength to avoid toxicity on my birthday, but I had to do it.

She’s toxic and when you’re in pain (not to mention a Highly Sensitive Person) being around toxic people is bad for you. I only just found out earlier this year that she’s emotionally immature and that explained a lot of things. Why I feel emotionally lonely aorund her. Why conversations are so boring with her (because it’s the same topics we circle around). Why she never validated my feelings and never felt good expressing hers. She would always say ‘stop being so sensitive’ or ‘you’re overreacting’. No, mother, you were projecting your issues with emotions onto me.

It’s why I feel frustrated and basically on edge around her. I truly believe it’s what’s caused my fibro. She porvided me with physical care when I was sick and gave me a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and paid for post secondary tuition. I got stuff for birthdays (alebit stuff I didn’t use or really want, but would be the good person, the people pleaser).

I only now realize that her concept of ‘love’ was if I did something, achieved something, was successful. She was a ‘driven’ EI parent, always scheduling things, working overtime, ‘doing’ things around the house or yard, never modeling self care or spa trips. I only found out I was an HSP a year ago, so it all made sense why I was so tired all the time. My early life was too chaotic and the stress of it was catching up to me.

Now it all makes sense. She’s constantly chastising people who don’t do anything or don’t work and that’s a sign of workaholism. It’s healthy to have ambitions, to want to be productive, but if you’re bad talking other people for not having the same kind of drive as you do, that’s not cool.

I understand her history (she’s an ACOA and I suspect she was a workaholic, the only ‘addiction’ that brings money in and is hard to pin point).

All that frustration, all that people pleasing, projection, invalidation, overproductivity, rigidness, and general lack of emotional bond has worn me down physically and mentally.

I’m glad fibro has made me, forced me, to set boundaries, to practice self care, and pacing. I’m glad to be more selfish, to ask for more, after living with little control. I really believe that fibro is a condition brought on by too much ‘feeling’ and ‘pleasing’ of others. As the research on chronic pain and fatigue shows, patients with chronic conditions have not learned to step into their full power as autonomous beings-or their life fire was extinguished by overly dominant individuals too many times.

The only way to regain back one’s health is to listen to one’s body and do as it requests. Rest. Cut out toxic people and situations. Explore your own inner landscape. Indulge. Put your needs and desires first and foremost at the helm. Stop proving things to yourself and deriving your self from what you ‘do’. Be a human being for once!

I hope that the rest of my thirtieth year brings only good fortune and better health.