As the day gets closer, the frustration increases.
I’ve always been one who gets excited during this time of the year but clearly that excitement missed the memo this time.
I’m not looking forward to it, if anything, I wish we could skip it this year.
Skip it in the sense of totally ignoring it.
I can’t seem to grasp how I can celebrate it when it’s bringing me so much distress.
It’s making me question myself, my ability and I hate that feeling.
Top that up with the little voice in my head that only sees the world in grey.
It silently persuades me to stop dreaming, stop believing, stop living and just exist.
A tempting offer to be honest because sis is a little tired of the lemonade.
“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”,

Why?, why are the lemons for free, what’s wrong with the lemons, why am I being given lemons when I didn’t ask for them?

I’ve tried to silence it though, the little voice in my head, but to no avail.
And as the day approaches it gets louder and it’s driving me nuts.
“What did you achieve this year?”
“You want to celebrate surviving?”
“Do you see what your age mates are doing?”
“If you couldn’t achieve that goal we set this year, what makes you think you will ever achieve it?”
“Don’t you get tired of embarrassing yourself with all these plans that end up in smoke?”

The zeal to live and be happy has been sucked out of me.
I’m dreading that day so much, I can taste the bile in my mouth from just thinking about it.
A day of joyous celebration, a day that holds a beautiful significance has just turned into one that brings me rage.
I can’t silence the voice and neither can I erase the day, what I can do is smile and exist.
Hoping that one day this will all be a story to tell my grandkids