For the past few days, I’ve been thinking on what should be the title of my first article at elephant journal… I wanted something catchy, something unique because I wanted people to not just read it – but love it. but I reflected again, and again, and again. “Why do I even want to share my piece in this scary, judgmental, unfair world?” I’m not doing this for them, I am doing this for me.

And so I stopped overthinking the title and just breathe for a few seconds… then my favorite song at the moment (which I’ve been listening to non-stop for the past few weeks) played.

Confidence.

Chorus came and I just knew.

To those who’ve heard this song but unable to really listen to it, here’s the first six lines:

I’m not a warrior
I’m too afraid to lose
I feel unqualified for what you’re callin’ me to
But Lord with your strength
I’ve got no excuse
‘Cause broken people are exactly who you use

As I’m writing this now, I’m two hours away to being twenty five. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna wake up tomorrow feeling nauseous.

because the truth is – I’m not ready.

I’m not ready to face the fact that while I am getting older, my parents are going through the same process as well. I feel like time is being snatched at me faster than I thought.

I’m not ready to constantly feel that I’m being behind in life (because this is what they say quarter life crisis is all about, lol)

There’s a lot of things I’m not ready for. If I had to go through it one by one, I would be taking so much of your time.

I guess what I’m trying to say is — we have to admit at some point that it’s not always manifesting the good stuff. We HAVE to acknowledge the reality… & that is: life can sometimes be so unfair, & cruel.

Right? But while life can be all this negative stuff, it can also be beautiful… & worth it.

I truly believe it’s all about how you see it, and it’s all about how you choose to live it.

When my Mom got sick, my world changed drastically. I AM not ready to face life knowing that I could lose my mom any second. I started waking up each day more scared than yesterday. Life legit got hard for all of us.

I’m scared of a lot of things in life, but what scares me most is losing either of my parents. Nobody and nothing could ever prepare you for that. There’s so much I wished had gone differently. I wish I could go back to the time when my Mom is still healthy, because then, we would’ve know. I wish I could’ve known, because if I have known, we could have prevented it.

But I guess you really can’t control most things in life…. and sometimes, the only thing you’re left with is your Faith.

I just remembered turning to Him, with nothing to offer but my heavy heart.