Growing up in a family that had restaurants, was a blessing. You got to eat whatever you wanted. You never had to worry about buying food or when you was going to eat. It was pure happiness.

Happiness was the name of my family’s restaurant. It was pure joy growing up. I remember being at the restaurant in Green Cove Springs and launching toy cars with my brother from one end of the dining area to the other end. I remember grabbing food off the buffet table and getting whatever sauces you wanted. As a kid, that was the most wholesome thing ever, being able to play when you wanted and eat when you wanted. I had everything I wanted, until I was given responsibilities.

The other restaurant my family had was actually closer to the city where I lived. I was around 12, when I started washing dishes there. Yeah, no more launching toy cars and gobbling at that point. Being in the kitchen, I observed how my parents, my aunts, uncle, cousins and grandparents worked. They all were working so hard! I was just washing dishes and given hot food whenever they were done cooking something. I wanted to be capable, diligent and trustworthy of any given roles my family gave me to do. Be careful what you ask for.

Fast forwarding, two to three years later I was almost 16 at this time. I was a waiter by now and I transitioned between two to three restaurants. I don’t know when I started to be obsessed with doing everything and always saying yes. From what I observed at Happiness, to all these other places I worked at, everyone just worked so hard and I always felt like I could do more. I didn’t know my limit. Until, I got burnt out.

I found love when I was 18. I stopped working as much and tried to focus on her and school. Little did I know, I brought that same mentality from working at the restaurant into these other aspects of life. Finding love and always wanting to give and do more does not mix too well. Going to college and having group projects was not the best for me. I did everything. I wanted to show how capable and independent I was. I felt like I didn’t need anyone. Little did I know. I didn’t know my limits. I was just competing against myself.

My love at that time, grew up from a religious family. I was mainly a floating atheist with a hint of Buddhist and spiritual background. I tried to conform to her family and belief but I could not. Her parents did not like me much. I wasn’t one of their “kind.” Well, if all shall fail, do your most and do your best. And so I did, not knowing my limits.

Later, five years into the relationship, something was failing. Trust, my acceptance, her parents resentment and the bridge we built were all crumbling. Happiness wasn’t something I knew at this time. My family’s restaurant was sold off, my path in college was a disaster and everything in between was totally off. For the first time in my life, I was at my limit.

Another two years passed, I was 26 at this time. For the first time ever, I felt like I had nothing left to give. I didn’t know that feeling. I just knew joy, passion, work and dedication up until this point. I had no sense of direction. I learned from my family, the measurement of life is not how long you live but how you worked and what you gave to others. I failed my family. I failed my love’s parents and her. I failed myself. I didn’t accept myself at this point. I resented me, my love’s parents resented me and even my car resented me. Goodbye, beloved GTI. Man, I loved that car! I’m sorry. Anyway(s), my mood is swinging here I better finish.

I got a wake up call in 2016 from the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office. I got the opportunity to be a trainee at their academy. This gave me a sense of responsibility, motivation and another chance at life.

I was there for about eight months. My relationship ended at this point. No more love for me just work and work. I loved the energy the instructors and cadets brought to me. It made me forget about the void inside of me. The training was brutal. There were times, I couldn’t even lift my arm to do the pledge of allegiance. There were times, I had to use a straw to drink and eat. I totally knew my limit at this point but I had more to give.

During my time at the academy, I learned how funny I could be. I learned how resourceful and other people thought I was. I was sitting by myself one day and a cadet came up to me during lunch. This was a couple weeks before graduation, I told her about my life a bit and she replied, “I feel you’re really ambitious.” She added another thing I didn’t know about me. Apparently, I was an ambitious person that couldn’t lift my arm up now. Thank you R.

A week before graduation, I flunked or they called it voluntary resignation. My ex tried to get back with me a year later. Throughout my life, I always thought people came back into your life for a reason. I would never let them go but I had to. It was one of the hardest things I did in my life. I was crying, while driving to work. My instructors yelled at me for not performing my best. I saw other cadets frowning at me. Again, for the second time in life, I failed myself. I left the academy. Not knowing where to go from there.

Flash forwarding, three years later, I’m 29 now. I’m back working at a restaurant. I’m back learning to do what my family imprinted in me. Always do more and never do less. Be capable and give when you can because there was one point where my family had nothing.

My family grew up from very humble beginnings. My Dad, his sisters and parents all climbed onto a makeshift ladder to hold down the roof of a hut from a hurricane blowing it away in their childhood. My grandma always talked about just eating rice porridge or congee with soy sauce. I thought that was pretty good back then. Anyway(s), I learned and I learned, to be humble, to be giving, to do more and never do less. It’s hard. It’s hard to tell myself I’m at my limit when they went through all that.

I know no boundaries. I just know I’m afraid of not being accepted. I’m afraid of not feeling worthy. I’m afraid of not giving, when some people in life don’t ever give just take. I’m afraid of not showing and caring because of what the world out there is like today. I’m afraid of resentment because of my background. I’m afraid of showing my limit because life doesn’t last forever. I’m afraid of not making someone’s day because life is sad. I’m afraid of not giving my all because some people don’t even give half. What are you afraid of?

Happiness is a pursuance. We may all chase it but not all of us will end up with the same amount. Thank you Happiness for making my belly full. Thank you for letting me launch my toy cars. Thank you for teaching me the proper way of washing dishes and sweating. Thank you for showing me responsibility and hard work. Thank you for being the foundation for my family and I. Thank you for making me reflect on days like this that are gloomy but hopeful. I miss you much.