Five months ago I landed in Guanajuato, Mexico for a month of intentional solitude.
My desire was to heal my heart and penetrate and resource my deep fear of aloneness while dying in suffering.
I ended a relationship in which I thought was my life partner about a year ago.
The reality is that for the last 14 years between my 3 deep committed relationships, I never have had time ALL by myself.
Just me.
I either jumped right into the next relationship or I was dissipating my energy with others in dating/polyamory.
It was confronting to admit and face this reality in myself.
I didn’t trust myself to set boundaries to be completely on my own.
And so I decided to leave the country and go somewhere where I didn’t know anyone or anything.
I set boundaries with lovers and playmates.
I stopped looking for excitement and external validation through sex and connection.
I stopped running my energy hard in my biz, which was also a distraction from facing my fear of aloneness, death, and dying.
It was hard.
I cried, I threw tantrums, I broke down, I grieved.
I let myself die.
My lifelines were 2 therapists I was seeing at the time, and a few friends.
I felt my deep fear of being alone and dying alone in suffering to the core until there was an emptiness that emerged.
And through that emptiness I found a fullness, a wellspring, a foundation of unending life.
I felt shocked, confused, baffled, yet in awe.
There was no one by my side externally that was sharing this experience with me.
I finally realized everything I was ever looking for was right here.
MY OWN LOVE AFFAIR WITH THE DIVINE.
Because the truth I have found is that,
“The Qwingdom of Heaven is Found Within you.”
I knew this, and yet I needed an initiation through the death portal that I had been avoiding by outsourcing my power in relationships.
I needed this initiation to give me an embodied knowing.
Heart Ninja has been reborn with her full set of wings!
I’m feeling super vulnerable sharing all of this, but I know in my heart by sharing my path openly it will help and touch the hearts of those it speaks to!
All my love on your journey through healing through heartbreak and loss,
The Heart Ninja (aka. Emily Orum)
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