I had an episiotomy. I share this with you here not for you to tell me “oh, it will get better” or “I didn’t have to get any stitches” or “why did that happen, i’ve heard those aren’t has common practice nowadays.”

I bring this to you with the somatic knowledge I hold now in hopes that you, too, might find solace in your episiotomy, your scar, your injury, your healing process, etc.

I had two fears prior to the birthing process and those were:

1. Tearing
2. Having to wear postpartum pads/undies

There we go, I said it. I named my two somewhat menial fears, given the wild ride and unpredictability that both pregnancy and the postpartum experience bring.

I am now going to tell you about how my perfectionism, in this instance, helped heal me.

Oh yes, and for those of you who don’t know, an episiotomy is “a surgical cut made at the opening of the vagina during childbirth, to aid a difficult delivery and prevent rupture of tissues,” (Thank you, Google).

Now, allow me to rewind and tell you how I arrived there in the first place.

I was 40 weeks pregnant. Experiencing mild contractions at home for about 8 hours, until they started to intensify and feel less tolerable. Since my partner & I had compromised on a hospital birth, with me guiding him every step of the way, we got into the car, drove to the hospital and checked ourselves in. Also, I recall the woman at the check-in counter calling up to L&D admissions and then relaying to me “Sorry, ma’am, deliveries usually come through the ER, so this is new for me.” Here I am thinking “this is new for me, too” (haha) as we parked our car in the hospital guest parking lot and hobbled (me, mostly) our way into the mezzanine of the hospital.

I arrive up in the L&D admissions room, they take my vitals, check my dilation & the baby’s positioning, etc. and les we not forget the COVID test (while I was contracting!) that made my nose bleed profusely. After being in this cramped “room” (sectioned off by a curtain), as my partner is trying to distract me by playing Uno, I am beginning to become more irritable with the intensity of my contractions. The midwife enters & tells me that I am only 4 cm dilated, but she decided to admit me because the baby was posterior facing. She figured I would be laboring for a while longer and gave me an exercise ball with some exercises to do to help position baby properly.

We get admitted to our L&D room at 10:30 pm and I proceed laboring for 2 hours, with contractions steadily increasing in intensity (at this point I didn’t even want my partner to touch me) and by 12:30 am after my most recent contraction, I completely froze (could barely focus on my breath, could not relax my body), I called in the nurse to ask for an epidural. I had originally opted for an unmedicated birth, but at 12:31 am all I could think was “I am going to be laboring for a while, I need to get some sleep”. And my contractions at that point were certainly not sleep-through worthy.

Thirty Minutes later I get an epi administered, I am finally horizontal in bed, my eyes begin to close and BAM I feel baby slide down the birth canal, my water breaks and the nurse rushes in because she had noticed the baby’s heart rate had dropped. She immediately goes, “Did you feel that?” (lol) and I respond, “Yeah, my water just broke.” The Midwife then checks my dilation again and I went from 4 – 9 cm dilation in no more than 10 minutes (cue: body relaxation). The midwife was shocked to say the least and said that it would be time to start pushing soon.

We wait about 30 more minutes, she returns and says, “yep, it’s time to push, do you feel ready?” I remember thinking, “I guess so, man, I was just about to fall asleep.” So, let the pushing commence – I am pushing as hard as I can for about 2.5-3 hours in total. Time felt like a blur, but all I remember is looking at the vibrant digital clock on the wall at 1:31 am and by 3:33 am baby still had not exited the birth canal. At one point, I had prompted to go on my hands and knees, but the baby’s heart rate dropped, so they prompted I return to my back (this, in hindsight, angers me, as I know I would have experienced a lot more ease bearing down while I was pushing). For context, even with my epi I could still feel sensation in the lower half of my body.

At my most vulnerable moment while pushing, I said “I need help, I need help” – I remember the OBGYN looking me straight in the eyes saying, “No you don’t, you’ve got this,” feeling shocked by the strength of my pushing, originally thinking she might have to use forceps or vacuum suction to assist baby through the birth canal. At the peak of my exhaustion, I state again, “please, I need a little help” and I see the scissors come towards me and the next thing I know, I finally feel release, as for two hours baby was crowning and then what felt like “slurping” back into the birth canal.

Baby is out now (phew!) and while he is being weighed/measured I see the midwife in training meticulously sewing me up. Of course, still in the height of my adrenaline and epidural, I wasn’t able to feel any sensation throughout this process.

Alright, from here I will fast forward somewhat. Yes, I survived the postpartum pads and underwear (I LOATHED THEM), yes, I survived the vaginal ice packs, peri bottles and witch hazel pads (I actually quite enjoyed all of these). I remember thinking, several times, “why has no one ever told me about these postpartum processes?!” So, I begin to heal physically, I go to my 6 week postpartum appointment and I am cleared for all “activities”. But still, something felt so different about my pelvic floor, vaginal entrance, etc.

This, over the following 6 months, began to impact me mentally & emotionally, quite pervasively, actually. I started asking around, talking to other mothers about their healing process, etc. Of course, I could wrap my head around the fact that “it would never be the same.” It being the magical yoni that births a child. But, my perfectionism, that wanted everything to go back to “just the way it was” was enduring quite the internal battle.

Finally, I mustered up the courage to call my doctor’s office and book another follow-up appointment (I was choking back tears when I called, of course). At this point, I am 6 months postpartum & I am eagerly awaiting for my NP to re-examine my episiotomy scar to tell me if it was “normal”. She, again, assures me it healed very well and “it looks great”! But, as she looks up, she sees that I am in tears & she gently asks why it was weighing so heavily on me emotionally. Of course as I write this now, 16 months later, I can’t remember what the heck I said to her. All I know is that she wrote me a script for pelvic floor PT – no questions asked – and it was AWESOME. I highly recommend it to ANYONE (baby or not), male & female-bodied people, it is such a gift to explore the strength (or lack thereof, in my case) of your pelvic floor!!!

So, yes, I had an episiotomy.

Yes, it truly put me into a mental/emotional spiral for about 6 months (which felt like foreverrrrrrrr).

And, yes, amidst the fear, the tears, the choked back feelings and words, I was still able to advocate for my needs as a postpartum mother. And anyone who has been through this knows it is not easy, especially when considering the racial, socioeconomic and cultural injustices that remain alive in the healthcare system.

If this helped you, inspired you, interested you in any way please SHARE and send me your familiar thoughts or experiences at [email protected]