How Living through Emotional Abuse & Gas lighting Changed me

Before emotional abuse: I was the type of person to trust anyone. I always believed in the goodness of people, and their ability to grow and change. I wanted to help people, to teach them how to heal, grow and get better. I would put others before myself, and had almost no boundaries. Living within spiritual communities, I experienced many people who seemed kind and interesting, but time would reveal their extreme ego, superiority, and immaturity.

Because of the environment of processing through emotions within this community, I would spend much of my time and energy teaching people how to treat others with kindness, compassion, and respect. I would let them take advantage of my kindness and wisdom, in exchange for them completely draining my time and energy, and leaving me feeling hurt and taken for granted. This pattern led me to be the perfect target for a narcissist abuser.

The abuser saw clearly that I was a kind, compassionate, understanding healer who did not have strong boundaries. He made me out to be his savior and formed a trauma bond based on my position to save him from his darkness and help him to grow and become a better person. He formed an intense emotional bond by calling me his soul mate and twin flame and that he felt we had shared a past life together.

The emotional abuse started slowly and gradually, and was barely noticeable at first. It was like a wave that starts small and builds momentum until it crushes you and you are drowning and gasping for air. It started with criticism. He had learned my character, my passions and desires by studying me. He would then make extremely harsh and personal criticisms about my ability, my personality, and my capability. He would never take responsibility for causing pain, and would turn it around on me accusing me of being too emotional, too sensitive, and that he was doing so much to help me.

Since abusers rarely engage in abusive behaviors 100% of the time, there were moments of kindness and affection that kept me hanging on. I later learned that these moments of kindness don’t invalidate abuse, but are a part of the cycle of emotional manipulation. The emotional abuse I endured led me to a place of questioning my own sanity, my own self-worth, and my own reality. The trauma-bond had become so strong that I felt lost beyond words. This process of emotional abuse had been carefully created and years in the making to get me to this breaking point.

After breaking free from the abuser and starting my life over, I realized that I was no longer the same person anymore. The emotional abuse had taken a massive toll on my body, mind and soul. I was drained of energy and exhausted, had barely enough energy to practice yoga when in the past I had a daily practice. My nervous system was completely shot and I was living in a constant state of fear and anxiety. My body was experiencing new pains and heaviness that were never there before.

It has taken me years to heal these symptoms and it is a constant healing process for me. The experience of emotional abuse shattered my previous perspective on reality. My past self was innocent, full of hope, trusting, and believed in the goodness of others. After experiencing narcissistic abuse, my past self died, as I was reborn into a new version of myself. After emotional abuse, I protect my energy at all costs and have extremely strong boundaries about who has access to me. I only provide my healing energy where it is understood, received, and reciprocated.

When I look in the mirror today is a strong woman. A strong woman who knows who she is, what she stands for, and where she is going. I see a woman who has known immense pain and did not let it break her, but used this pain to rise into a more empowered version of herself.