One day many years ago, in therapy with my ex husband, I had shared something very vulnerable. Afterwards I got home and took a nap, and had a mini-enlightenment experience. I experienced my true magnificent soul self. I was so excited. But it never happened again. I was given a peak of who I truly was, but the rest of the way back to myself was going to be slow.

Just in the last week, I met this sweet vulnerable delicate essence once again, but in a much milder form. It came out after a helish day, during which I encountered several super challenging situations, which I was able to handle in a good way. My essence felt that it was safe to come out of hiding, because I am able to take care of it and protect it well-enough now.

I wonder why did it take so long? And I think the answer is that we are not taught to take care of ourselves. We are taught to please others (mainly our parents), or else there is punishment. And when we are doing things to please others, we are often abandoning ourselves. And so that sweet delicate part of ourselves withdraws and goes into hiding, as we put up our tough facades. The problem is that that sweet delicate part is who we truly are.

I wonder now how is it possible to be in this world as it is today as my true self, without constantly getting hit over the head. And I guess the answer is by knowing what and who is and isn’t right for me. In the last years I have largely withdrawn from “normal” life. I interact with people very little, and mostly do so with people who are also gentle who I feel safe to be myself with. I would like to be able to interact more with the world, but not sure how it will be possible.