On the surface I was doing okay.
Earning decent money through a respectable job.
However, the nagging feeling of not having enough was always there.
There seemed to be a glass ceiling that I couldn’t quite place.

For a girl who grew up in a conservative, patriarchal middle class family in North India – to be in a job and earning her own money was a big deal itself.

The voice in my head said – ” You should be grateful for what you have and ask for no more. At least you weren’t married off at the age of 18 like your cousin.”
It made me shudder to think what would have happened if that was my fate.

This is where my dysfunctional relationship with money started for the first time.
Through the eyes of the little girl who saw gender roles intertwined with money dynamics.

Here’s the first pattern that created the foundation of my money reality:

Self-Worth

Growing up I saw my mum having very little say in her own life.
Although highly educated, she didn’t take up a job.
Not only did this decision affect our financial circumstances as a family, but also her own sense of freedom.
Seeing her work to the point of exhaustion, with zero appreciation for the thankless role of a house wife, I so did not want to end up like my mum.
No one cared if she had eaten, or needed rest from the never-ending chores in the house.
None of our relatives who lived with us bothered to help her out or take over some of the work.
She wore the badge of a good wife coupled with deep resentment that took over all her dreams and desires.

This made me believe that as a girl I was less than.
That somehow my gender decided if I get to have a voice or not.
My mum was a living example of that.

The seed of low self-worth was sown right there.
Somehow even as a little girl I knew that it was important for me to have some money of my own in order to have a say in my own life decisions.

Lack
As a family of four, but supporting so many of our relatives, money always ran out before the month was over. There were always conversations about not having enough. Often there were fights in the house over money.
So we grew up in survival mode around money.
Desires were a far cry, needs were all we cared about.
Food and education for me and my brother were a priority.
Anything else was a luxury.
There was so much stress around money all the time.

Money Doesn’t Matter
Even though we could have done with more money, I wonder why when the topic of money came up, the narrative was always – ” We don’t need money to be happy.”
We did need more money and while it wouldn’t give us long-lasting happiness, it would definitely grant us a lot more peace of mind.

Looking back I realize that it was impossible for us to call in money into our life when we didn’t think it mattered.
The fact that we didn’t want to be seen as ‘money minded’ says a lot about what we thought of money. Not very highly for sure.
If money wasn’t a noble pursuit and it wasn’t to be spoken about, how was it even possible to call in more of it?

Working Hard for Money
One of the common narratives was – “You’ve got to work hard to earn money.” My dad was an example of it. As “people who didn’t come from rich families, we have to rely on hard work” was another statement that I heard pretty often.
I was no stranger to hard work anyway.
From a young age, I worked hard to get the extra love and attention which was only reserved for male children. I was always striving to be an equal and in doing so I was willing to do everything that would make my parents proud of me.
At the time, I worked hard at studying and helping out my mum with the house work in order to get the ‘good girl’ title.
The people-pleaser in me was born pretty young.
Listening to elders, not causing any trouble and working hard right from grade 5 so that I could get a well-paying job later and a stamp of approval (possibly) for being enough .

Women are Dependent on Men for Money
This was a sub-conscious belief that I was unaware of until very recently.
All my life I saw my mum being dependent on my dad for money and even though I started working right after college, deep within I carried the belief that I can truly be independent only when I had a man supporting me financially.
This coupled with the income disparity for women in the corporate world, always kept me at an arm’s length from true financial freedom.
As I became a coach and started seeing a lot of women relying on their husbands to support them financially, I was so resentful for having to do everything on my own.
“Why can’t I get that kind of support?”
“This is why it is difficult for me to start a business.”
While there is no harm in having a partner who is in a position to support your business interests, my reality was a confirmation of the belief I was carrying about men, money and money freedom.
As I worked with women coaches who had supported themselves while setting up their businesses, this mindset began to change.

My Money Reality was a Reflection of my Beliefs about Myself & Money

It isn’t difficult to see why I was living in lack with those layers of conditioning about my self-worth, deservingness and my broken ideas about money.

I had to work really hard to rewire my beliefs around not feeling enough or that I matter and to stop projecting these beliefs on money.
When it comes to working hard for money, I feel there was a time when, in order to get out of my survival mode, getting any job was a good idea.
However, as I started doing the work that I teach today, the realization dawned that a job will always feel like hard work if I don’t like what I do.
True alignment comes in when I can marry what I love doing, put in the work and focus on impact rather than money.
This is when money becomes a by-product of the impact I make.

Cultivating a healthy money mindset has taken me time and I still work on it every single day.
For someone who didn’t want to look at her bank-account for the fear of seeing lack, I now have weekly money dates.
Not just that I feel empowered around money and realize how important it is especially for women to have their own money and a healthy mindset around it in order to truly live an abundant life.