Every couple argues from time to time – it’s inevitable when two unique people commit to an intimate partnership. However, arguing productively versus destructively makes all the difference in relationship satisfaction and longevity. Learning to argue in healthier ways creates greater understanding and intimacy if done with care. This vital skill can actually bring you closer. Here are three research-based strategies to try, along with utilizing services aimed at enhancing couples’ connections.

Lead with “I” Statements

Placing blame frequently happens in heated debates, with sentences starting with “you.” For example, “You never listen when I talk” or “You’re constantly disrespecting my opinions.” This instantly puts the other person on the defensive, sparking more anger instead of resolution.

Shifting to “I feel…” statements when expressing frustration thoughtfully explains your internal experience. Some alternatives include, “I feel unheard when you interrupt me,” or “I feel invalidated when my perspectives go ignored.” This approach prevents your partner from feeling attacked as it focuses on how their actions impact you emotionally. It invites understanding and compromise by humanizing rather than vilifying.

Take Slow, Full Breaths

When we get angry, we physiologically start taking shorter, shallower breaths, reducing crucial oxygen flow. Yet we need oxygen circulating to think clearly and regulate surging fight-or-flight hormones. Pausing to inhale deeply through your nose, fully expanding your lungs, then slowly exhaling through pursed lips activates the parasympathetic nervous system. Heart rate and cortisol levels start decreasing as you gain composure to speak more evenly.

Your partner also benefits from this signal to pause and breathe before continuing the high-stakes conversation. Silently count to 10 while deliberately breathing if you must. Those few seconds make a remarkable difference in controlling runaway emotions.

See Their Perspective

The easiest person to judge is someone you intimately know – you observe their inconsistencies, flawed thinking and questionable choices constantly. Yet, nobody is perfectly rational at all times. There are deeply personal reasons your partner behaves as they do in arguments that may seem illogical but feel sensible to them given past experiences shaping their worldview.

Rather than accusing your partner of overreacting or underreacting, seek first to understand their underlying emotions and unique vantage point. Ask curious rather than combative questions to uncover old wounds driving current reactions. Express your desire to grasp why they feel a certain way before attempting to fix or convince. This validation alone alleviates defensiveness, making resolution attainable through compromises meeting both people’s needs.

Developing empathy, communicating thoughtfully and regulating emotions prepare couples to navigate inevitable disagreements in their relationship healthily and respectfully. Services also guide partners through building understanding, intimacy and trust via self-assessments and couples activities incorporating these research-backed techniques. Investing in the tools and insights to argue smarter fortifies bonds over the long haul.