From victim to victory to get free.

Notice where you stand, take a look at yourself, be completely open to your reality and ready to hear to your heart, stand in front of a mirror and see directly into your own eyes, that person in the mirror has many things to say to you, she/he has been waiting for your attention for so long…..
It was difficult for me to do that, I tried so many times, but as I stood there in front of my reflection, I had to lower my sight. Why was this happening to me?? “Shame”…. And I recognize now that this shame was inside of me.

When I was nine years old, I was (sexually?) abused, and I kept silent for many many years. That experience was something that disconnected me from who I was and created a sense of guilt, which I had been carrying ever since. It taught me to see love hand by hand with abuse, and therefore a cycle of abuse ran through my life until I decided to stop for a moment and recognize that I needed to heal those wounds, I just didn’t know where to begin.

Acceptance was the first step I had to take. I had to accept that that awful event happened to me, and I had to stop fighting to find a reason (as humans we always try to find a logical explanation to everything that happens to us). In order to move forward with my healing path, I just needed to feel the pain and accept it, accept that even though I was an innocent girl at that time, that episode of my life had ruled my actions and attitudes since then, I needed to face that episode and its consequences directly and stop trying to hide from them….

I got married when I was 19, I have 3 sons who are what I love the most in this world, and an enormous gift of a grand child who brought to me the strength to get out of the dark.
My marriage had several good moments, but at some others it also had abuse, and when the “shame” is inside of you, it makes you to feel defenseless and deepens the already existing wounds, which I still had even several years after the divorce. In my mind during those years I always thought “I have to be a good girl to be loved, I have to win your love, I have to prove my value…”
So I sank into hell, and to come back from there requires a lot of self-work, courage, truth, faith, and many friends and loved ones to lend a hand and their hearts so I could remember how mine was supposed to beat, because my own heart had forgotten. But still, The “shame was still there”
Life was determined to heal me… So the next chapter of my life began, and if I didn’t already know what abuse was, life was ready to teach me in the most grotesque way. Nobody runs towards abuse, but it came my way again disguised in the form of a handsome, funny, protective and lovely man… or so I thought…
Infidelity, lies, alcohol, drugs, pushes, punishments, silence treatment, slaps, broken glasses, broken hand!… And again I ignored it, blaming myself for everything and believed that I needed to prove myself to him in order to be loved I was digging my emotional grave deeper and deeper.
More violence, insults, shouts, devastation, being used, more infidelities, choking, a gun to my head. I just wanted to scream “I am a good woman! Look at me! STOP!
After years (yes.. years) I was completely devastated, I had lost the game and nothing of me was left….I lost almost everything and had no more strength, I had to surrender…

I will never, ever justify the abuse, I raise my voice against it, I lend my heart to all those women (and men) whose hearts have forgotten how to beat… I appeal to the world to take action, to society to open its eyes and point directly at abuse so that no other girl or woman will have to endure this ever again. Abuse is a trip to the darkest hole in our souls and some women might not have the strength or the help that they deserve to crawl out of it. We need to be conscious that abuse could affect our daughters, sisters, mothers…. and do everything in our power to shield them from it.

I appeal all the abused girls and women in the world to TAKE THE FIRST STEP to recognize and accept it as early as they can! Don’t get confused, recognize your value, don’t sell it for a caress or even a hug! Raise your voice at the first opportunity, shout, run as far as you can, don’t wait until you are totally burnt out like me, because the longer it takes to accept it, the harder it will be to overcome it. Accept that you were a victim of abuse, recognize the fear you feel, fight against it and use it as a tool to remind yourself that you are strong and that you have the courage to find your own voice.

Now, I don’t need a man to recognize, see or love me, because I can do it for myself! I have found my voice and it has helped me to heal. And acceptance was the road to my strength.
With my first abuser, I looked him at the eyes and said to him, “do you remember? Because, I do!” And what for you was momentary pleasure, for me was decades of suffering and battling against the demons created by you that day in the most horrifying life experience I could have!
I had never told my parents about my first abuse until now, forty years later. I wanted to protect them from the suffering and the horror. But I had gained my voice and I needed to speak to them to heal myself and our relationship. Yes, now they share my wounds, but together we are now able to heal them together. Jesus once said: “The truth will set you free…” and it has..

As for the second abuse, it took me years to take off his disguise and see him from what he really was, and believe me as the disguise fell NOTHING was left, not his power over me nor the charming, lovable man. Not even a man, because real men do not abuse!!!
During these tormenting stages of my life I was abused and actually blamed about the abuse. He told me that it was my fault because I did not give him his place, because I was not enough, because I had other things in my life and not made him the priority, because I had friends, because, because, because… At first it made me crazy, how dare say that!!!! But then the it hit me!!! Yes, it was my fault, but not for the reasons he mentioned. It was my fault or my responsibility for not recognizing the abuse at the beginning, for not denouncing it, for keeping silent, for staying for so long, for believing the same lie a hundred times, for creating a fairy tale when it was really a nightmare, for making excuses for him, for believing in words and not actions, for not loving myself, for giving my power, for feeling ashamed, for not taking care of me, for putting myself in a dangerous place…
Now I have gotten rid of the “shame” and I have used my fears to gain my voice and finally learn life’s lesson. I am not a victim but a warrior that stands up in front of the mirror every day and can honestly say to my reflection: “I love you, I recognize you, I value you, I assume my responsibility and stand up to raise my voice against abuse! I am myself, nothing more nothing less, and I am awesome!
So I invite you. The time is now for men and women to make a commitment to stand together and make the world a better place, starting with getting rid of abuse! You too have a responsibility to speak out and to defend those that have.
So stand with me so no other girl nine or ninety nine will ever have to live through hell, and for those who already have, let’s help in providing them with the support they need! #timesup #metoo

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