That Glow – balancing the blue light and the light within.

I quit social media because of a bird.

Or because of my mother. Or because of my own reflective nature. The three really are tied, but the gratitude to all are palpable.

I had been playing a strangely twisted and dramatic scene out with some of the people closest to me as of late, which was unfamiliar because I’ve always abhorred drama. I suppose we can be dramatic beings whether we appreciate it or not. In this instance, I had been finding myself feeling snubbed, insulted and downright hurt by what I can only muse were comments and situations I was overindulging in. But I was never really sure. I sat on the edge of this heavy weight – just not feeling quite right. I was not depressive, I knew that. Yet I knew I was on the precipice of needing to make some major life changes – but what were they?

On one of these occasions I was sitting on my front porch, feeling perplexed and quite frankly fatigued by the negative spin I had been putting on this area of my life. What in the fork was actually my problem? Had I lost touch with myself? My ability to let the unimportant stuff slide? Take things less sensitively? Had I changed?

To set the scene, let me mention that I had experienced some massive life changes these last few years. Most notably becoming a mother to an absolutely beautiful little girl who was almost 2 at this time. So when I mention having “changed” I am referring directly to life BC (before child). And of course I had changed – in so many wonderful and profound ways. Having a child kicks your butt into a world you are both unprepared for and delighted to be apart of. But had I also let something, some major coping skills perhaps, slip away when I let this wiggly lovely little creature into my life?

I was once the girl who peddled around town on her fixy bike, toting around uplifting and kind messages on scrap paper. I’d hide them in the tiniest nooks and crannies of my town for unsuspecting strangers to find. I was also the girl who didn’t know how to knit – but lead a group of women into a mass public knitting installation –  For fun. “Come on guys, lets YARN BOMB!” [”What’s a yarn bomb Stace?”]. The girl who found magic and enchantment and forgiveness and love in the simple moments. Which for the record, could be so obnoxiously annoying if you didn’t actually know that it was genuine. At the very least, those are some of the qualities I value about myself. The thing was, this girl was still there – albeit slightly more sleep deprived. I was just having a hard time channeling her under whatever this weight was.

Sitting there I wondered why I was feeling more tired, less magical, and slightly disenchanted. I knew that my feelings of being victimized were coming from this foreign land I wasn’t used to navigating. Was it a symptom of being a working mom? A mom in general?  Or did I need to dive deep into a terrifying realm…the dominion of accountability. How was I living my life that was directly impacting not only my mental and physical well being, but my spiritual well being as well?

My mother had texted me that day in response to my troubled mind and the inherent venting session I had left on our private text thread. She said simply that I – was a tough bird. I could and would handle these grievances with tenacity and grace and let some of the less importance stuff just slide. Which sounded infinitely better than letting them pile up on my shoulders as they had been; silently breeding over my muscles and seeping their way into my temples.

So when I looked up and saw that little sparrow on the cable line that stretched from the pole at the end of our driveway to one of the side gutters of our home, I smiled. Tough bird. That was me. I was trying to believe it. The wind picked up at that moment, and I watched the wire begin to sway with a ferocity that didn’t seem out of the ordinary – except for the little bird that clung to it. He held on, looking unruffled (but likely chirping to himself Oh crap! Oh crap!) swaying with every gust, until it eventually died down. He shook his feathers and flew away, having survived the tempest. I feel like it was all very cliché yet incredibly powerful in the same moment. Sometimes we need to laugh at the cheesy way life decides to show up and speak to us.

That was when I knew. It hit me with a severe clarity reserved for epiphanies and grand sweeping Aha! moments.

I needed to quit social media.

It was holistically – mentally, physically and spiritually – poisoning me.

My affair with social media – namely Facebook – began a few years after its birth. I was a reluctant subscriber. An artist, an idealist, touting lines like “but direct and physical human connections and conversations are vastly more fulfilling and this is potentially the gateway to our socially inept end”. You know, that kind of self-righteous soap box stuff.

As time went on, I moved from home. I met my husband. I got pregnant. I had a child. The endless days of maternity leave, and the gnawing isolation that parenthood can sometimes leave you with had awaken a need within to retreat into this world that was all about me. I could literally shout via the written word MY thoughts, my desires, my dreams, my loves, likes, dislikes, ideas, out into the vast internet landscape. Which really only consisted of my modest 100+ friends. Regardless, I played that instrument for all it was worth. Posting updates, statuses, articles, art, multiple times a day. Check the newsfeed. Swipe. Swipe. Swipe. All in a senseless drive to what? Be known? Be heard? Be –  liked? With motherhood came the inexplicable yet completely describable fear that the me I had come to know was someone swallowed whole by this new role demanding all of my being. I feared disappearing. This outlet seemed the easiest way to stay intact from my couch.

In summary, I found myself sprinting daily in a race I never really wanted to run to begin with.

As I sat there on my steps letting it all sink in, I had the most incredible visual. I was happily standing dead center in a large body of water. The pool starts to rise while I’m wading in its calm waters, watching the tide grow around me. Occasions of mass importance in my life are suddenly the tidal waves spilling over my head until I am fully immersed, tangled in a riptide I’m desperately trying to package for the masses. Inhaling mouthfuls of bitter liquid, coughing and choking on details, pictures, feelings, thoughts, opinions, opinions – no these are facts! Hear me! Validate me! – opinions. You know what they say about being tossed around in the sea (insert your own appropriate metaphor) – head towards the light.

I couldn’t continue to live there and be myself. The self I saw slipping away, drowning under it all. The self I was trying to reach a hand out to but was so brazenly distracted by the glow of a screen and the swipe of a finger it couldn’t be bothered to reach back. The me I thought I was trying to preserve – I couldn’t find her here. Not the way she had come to live here, anyhow. In fact being here only served to push her further away. Cue the anxious look on my daughters face as she waited for me to answer her questions, listen to her musings, look at the sky, notice her playing…waiting for me to click post. Waiting for mommy to let the world know – “just a second honey” – how much she loved her; her only sweet baby. Oh the irony.

Then the 2016 US election happened to us. I say happened to us because it happened to us all. As a proud and humble Canadian I realize this was not my election  – but to be honest, it felt like the world’s election. We were all affected (and continue to be affected) in one way or another. So I got POLITICAL. The passionate artist in me has a fire in her heart for justice, and a love for the coming together of ideas and people. So here’s the thing – I had always told myself that when the moment came for my generation to really show up, I was going to be present. Picket sign in hand. So I did.  I took to the woman’s march, the peace rallies, to candle lit vigils. While this was all humanity at its finest, people coming together trumping hate with their love for a planet and connected humanity – I was left drained. My newsfeed marched on. Constant updates on the state of the political climate we had all been watching weighed on me. One preposterous headline after another. Although I may not have realized, as the pot boiled slowly, I was ingesting it all. In it went, primarily via my newsfeed – and out it came, directed at those I loved dearly. Directed at my joy. Smudging my lens.

That is, until my own mother gave me the words of strength I needed to recognize that little bird. Reminding me that it was ok to walk away. Maybe not forever. Maybe for just long enough to reassess what the word balance really meant.

That’s when I realized that this entire time I had been exactly who I was. I am an introspective, sensitive, compassionate, passionate human being. I had been being me the whole time – in REAL time. That was the me I was longing for. The me that was present, acting, doing, and being. Not the self that was available for consumption, the story I was trying to tell about myself through a series of pictures and tightly woven anecdotes. Not the self that was taking on the woes of the world, soaking up the venom being spewed by those looking to engage in an endless political fight.  It wasn’t motherhood that had veered me off course, if anything motherhood set my embers aflame and gave me more to fight for than I could have ever imagined. But I was accountable for my own happiness and peace of mind, and unknowingly had been taking baby steps away from both.

The sigh I let out in that moment very well could have set the air around me off into another wind dance – but I was ready for it. Bring it on. I was ready to tango, hands free and eyes raised. I was here. I had never really disappeared to begin with.

*Status Update!! It’s 8 months later and although my Facebook account is still deactivated, I do make sporadic appearances on Instagram. I feel fabulous, free, and in charge of how I manage my social media universe. I think the lesson I learned was that balance is KEY. That balance looks different for everyone, this I know. Social media is not the enemy – it serves many noble and wonderful causes, connecting us all and allowing us to share a world of knowledge, togetherness, and incredible discussion. This was simply my journey to understanding the sometimes ambiguous line that separates our real lives and the lives we live online.

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