Forgive AND Forget or Forgive AND NOT Forget ?

“Forgive and Forget” or “Forgive but don’t Forget”. We have all heard one or both of these two phrases at some point in our lives. It took me a long time to understand the deeper meaning and usage of the word Forget in “Forgive and Forget”. Once I did, I realized that it holds good, as long as the word Forget is not taken literally. Forget does not mean erasing an incident from our memory. It means that there is no longer any pain, anguish or suffering associated with the person or event. The memory just is. It is stored in our brains. How we reacted to the event is also stored in our brains. Once we reach a point, when we become observers of the memory, I believe we have truly embodied the phrase “Forgive and Forget”. We can in fact use the observed memory to guide us in our actions positively in the future. I am sharing with you the most difficult journey that I have been through with respect to forgiveness in my life.

When my mother passed away, two of her sisters did not come to her funeral. My mother’s oldest sister who was by my side, was devastated by this fact. She was beside herself. My mother did not have any bad blood with her two sisters. However, I had an argument with one of her sisters approximately eight months before my mother’s demise. It was heated, and extremely unpleasant. I was animated, loud and a little unkind. Being loud and extremely direct is a strength as well as weakness of mine. I had enough awareness to apologize for my loud voice and my tone immediately. However I did not apologize for what I said, because it was my truth, and I always believe in speaking my truth. Today I have the ability to speak my truth with calmness and kindness, but I just didn’t have it back then!

After that day, we did not have any contact with my mother’s two sisters. When my mom died eight months later, they did not come to her funeral. Not a word, not a call. I was shocked. I was livid. I couldn’t believe my eyes. As siblings, they had shared beautiful memories, hardships and what not. It just baffled me. I wondered if they were still hanging on to that moment from eight months ago. They had spent 55-59 years on this earth together, as sisters. I recollected my mother going out of her way for them during different times in her life. I found it very hard to empathize with them not coming to my mother’s funeral. This was my truth in that moment.

However, I have absolutely no idea how they felt when my mother passed away. They did not come to the funeral, and there is no right or wrong about what they did. If they didn’t want to see dad and me, that was their prerogative.  If they didn’t want to see mom’s body, that was their prerogative. If they didn’t want to be there for their older sister, that was their prerogative too. They listened to their hearts in that moment. This was their truth in that moment.

Once the rawness of the emotions calmed down, I found forgiveness in my heart. And the freedom that comes from forgiveness is filled with glory and grace! For whatever reason, the universe decided that they were not meant to be there at my mother’s funeral, for a variety of reasons, and I respect the universe, even when I don’t understand it at all! I have always ended up understanding the reason at a later date.

Then came the next phase that I struggled with, because I had heard ‘Forgive but don’t forget’ as many times as I had heard ‘Forgive and Forget’. And one day, I had an aha moment. I realized that I did not need to forget the memory, I just had to forget all my reactions to the memory. When I think about what happened, in this moment, I feel like a third party observing the event and the reactions. It just is.

My 2 beliefs – “The universe has a flow, and knows best” and “People do what they do because of where they are in the moment” helped me a great deal in getting to where I am my “Forgive and Forget” journey.

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