2015 {Poem}

I met someone back in 2015 (hence the title 2015) who catapulted my life into ways I can’t decipher or put into words. They made me feel all kinds of things I have never encountered before: real friendship, obsession, and brokenness.

What we two had, I convinced myself, was bordering towards more than friendship, an emotion that is something bigger, stronger, more powerful than anything else: love.

But later did I realize when I had done contemplating about our situation, that what I felt for them was obsession. Obsession for love. Obsession for the way they talk. Obsession for the way they think. Obsession about everything they were doing. And I told myself, “That wasn’t healthy.”

When they told me, through their actions, that they wouldn’t want to be associated with me anymore, it was as if I was thrown off the planet Jupiter and sent back to Earth. It was ground shaking, mind boggling.

It took me two years to have the courage to sit down and formulate my thoughts and feelings for this person into words because it was brutally hard to accept that I didn’t have anyone that I was ridiculously over the heels obsessed with to talk to and share my feelings with.

When I finally wrote everything down, I then told myself this over and over again: “What we two had was nowhere near love. Their was happiness, yes. But love, no. It was an unhealthy obsession, hunger, and lust on my part. And I’m not proud of it. ”

Below is the poem I’ve gathered all my strength and vulnerability to make and create because I wanted to be able to share my experience in hopes of someone being able to resonate and connect with it so they may relieve and replay that fragile part of their lives where happiness got stormed on by bitterness and sadness.

I loved you in secret
In the shadows of my dreams
Where monsters lurked at every corner
With their eyes red as fresh blood
And their mouths open,
Ready to devour anything.

A month of stories and memories
All wasted in a flick of a wand
Remains of our love dispersed throughout
Scattered all around in pieces
Reflecting like broken mosaics
Nothing can fix at any cost.

I could always remember
About the walks you had with your mother at night
With the chilly air biting your faces
With the music of the night serenading your bodies
How you always wondered if someday you could introduce me to your parents
How wonderful it could be to have my hand on yours
Intertwining like ropes tangled together
Without hesitations, just pure, genuine love.

Oftentimes, I wonder what really went wrong
How our love started as an expensive painting
But ended like a blank canvas
Full of nothingness and darkness
No one wished to be on their worst nightmare.

The abruptness of the situation
Startled me, crumpled me into bits and pieces
I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t breathe
Because for every air I inhaled
It was your perfume that was always lingering around
Ceasing to be around me, dancing like
A ballerina in a melodramatic dance.

I thought you were different
I really did
But what could I expect from an
Encounter that was barely an encounter?
It was fleeting
Resembling the way clouds float in the air
As if dropping at any minute of the day

I asked for forgiveness
But forgiveness was a toy you’ve somehow
Mastered to play with
My bad decisions and actions
You used them against me
You used them to define me
The way you treated me like a clown
Desperately trying to get your attention
Proved how the dark side of the world became
An inherent part of your spirit.

Why did you have to do this to me?
The love I thought would end in marriage
Ended up like a place detonated by an atomic bomb
I tried to find you, scoured the place like an agent
But all I saw in the corner of my eye
Was a dead heart, deprived of oxygen and blood
I wanted to take it and give life to it
But the winds were stronger and hauled it
Outside my territory and into another’s.

Maybe it had to happen like this
Maybe I had to know I loved you enough
Maybe I had to be hurt and shattered
Maybe I had to be humiliated and embarassed
For me to realize and wake myself fully
And say it out loud and clear
That you were just a substitute
A piece of vulnerable cloth
For me to plaster onto my wounded heart and soul
And when I would find one better
Your name wouldn’t exist anymore
It would just be a wisp of smoke
Polluting the atmosphere
Waiting for someone to catch and love it fully.

I wish I could bring back time
To bring history back into my own hands
And rewrite it the way I would want to
To rewrite the word love into friends
But a portion of my living heart
Also knows that you’re too innocent to be touched
Too innocent to be wounded
Too innocent to handle my tantrums, drama, and sick needs
Too innocent to be a part of my demonic world.

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