You wouldn’t kiss me

I knew there was something special about us when time stopped in order for you to kiss me and you wouldn’t. That moment couldn’t have been scripted better out of a Nickolas Sparks movie: we’d been connected all night and it was getting obvious what should happen, the leading man with his moody blue eyes and strong sexy jaw, subtly licks his bottom lip biting it unconsciously and then swallows the risk of getting turned down leaning in to own the complication of lips meeting for the first time…except in this movie you couldn’t do it and in real life I couldn’t take it, 

‘You have to kiss me!’ I finally blurted out and in reponse you clenched your jaw. 

‘You need to kiss me!’ I yanked the collar of your shirt, you didn’t budge instead you closed your eyes and pretended not to hear me even though your face is only breaths away from mine, the tensions unbearable; our bodies so close they’re slightly touching; your hand and my knee have been dancing together for minutes now- yeah I’ve been counting but apparently you didn’t hear me beg for you to kiss me…. I decide I can’t breathe any longer without your mouth connected to mine, so finally I pull you into me. 

The electricity and energy between us was pulsating so overwhelmingly but you barely kissed me back, you were restrained, you were shackled heavied by the burdens of all your armour. Only moments before you had touched the bare skin of my shoulder, I know you wanted to feel your hands on me even through the trepidation and tremble. You were taste testing the waters of all the intoxicating cravings of my scent, what would it feel like to finally get your skin on mine but after months of flirtations, hours on hours of deep conversations, touching my shoulder was all the courage you could muster. That was the first time I felt the soft edge of your fear about the intensity of our connection. 

I don’t think either of us had ever laid on a floor with another person laughing and talking so effortlessly before, so at ease let alone did we think it possible to intertwine into someone’s soul but it happened to us. With low lights, a late hour and an ethereal musical of our story humming in the background I caught myself unconsciously, probably nervously, singing the lyrics to those songs under my breath as we shared our secrets- somehow I knew most of them anyway. I felt like the first human you had ever desired to symultaneously unveil emotionally with the duelling potency of needing to disrobe physically in the wildest and maddest frenzy you’ve ever felt before.

Our clothes came off in between permissive and trepidatious lingering glances and scared fumbling hands, it didn’t take long for the heat to take over but nevertheless we were in unchartered territory the Bermuda Triangle of physicality, a breathless place on a map where people get lost and do not come back from. You broke me open that night, you released me from a part of myself long hidden away. 

In your touch I can feel the caution and passion exist together but nonetheless conflicting evidently against the promises of your past which teeter dangerously on your square shoulders amoung a ten thousand pound cape. 

It wasn’t long before I found myself falling in love with the tendons of your arms when you would rustle papers on your desk or the look on your face when you’d pretend to answer emails; as I sat on the floor of your space; finding excuses to be in your space became my speciality and being viciously distracted by me became yours. Your feet turn slightly toward me, your knees spread apart, your giggle that you try not to let out comes out easily- but damn I’m funny when I’m around you and those gentle body cues make me fall even more in love with you. 

I fall in love with you when lean back in your chair, arms behind your head and earnestly look at me to ask my opinion on something completely insignificant just to engage with me, just to hear my answer, just to see what will come out of my mouth- I’m often curious myself. I fall in love with the side of your smile because that’s often my view when I’m laying in your arms. I fell in love with your beat up blue sweater, and the smell of the shower after you’ve been in it. 

I fall into the fluctuations of your ocean eyes when you look me up and down inauspiciously, in the clench of your jaw when you’re mulling something over in your head- you’re a processor it’s what you do, it happens when your mad too- the twitch in your leg lets me know the words are stuck in processing mode. I speak words first and process them later- I really love that about you because it’s foreign to me. I fall in love with your stubbornness, your martyrdom, your silences when I give you direct honesty unlike you’ve ever been privy to before and I love that you mirror back to me what I need to work on.

I fall in love with your long fingers when they tap on the table during meetings or when they inadvertently wipe the sweat off a beer bottle, or when you shift your clutch with such domination, much like how your shift my gears and I fall deeper when those fingers impulsively plunge to the sweet spot between my legs when I’m aching for you. Sometimes I wish you’d tease me first, run those fingers down from my belly button over to my iliac crest to the inside of my thighs but I love your inability to control yourself because you’re such a controlled personality in every other way.

I fall in love with the sound of your deep delicious voice, the high pitch energized you and the whispery missing me one and raspy turned on throttle that reminds me of the undertones of your motorcycle pipes. I fall I love with your demeanour when you’re at work, serious, instructional and almoat putting it on too much. 

I fall in love with the hesitancy in your touch, and I’m saddened you’ve never been allowed to freely touch the body of the woman whom you love before, because it’s in the time you came up behind me, sneaking your hands up my shirt and kissed my exposed skin that gave me hope for you to be free. Or the time you took my hand and pulled me to dance in the hallway or took me into your lap just to allow me to exist in your embrace while you kissed my neck that made me fall deeper.  

To be fair I fall in love a lot, with the moon light in the snow in the forest, with bright red flowers in the sunshine, with the wind on my cheeks on a cool day, with giggles in the air, happy people who wear whatever they want and the hot, smell of fresh brewed coffee at any time of the day but most of those loves are fleeting. I knew there was something special about us when time stopped and I kept falling.

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