Stepping into a new season of life.

Growing up, I was a latch-key kid who spent plenty of nights alone while my mom worked two jobs and put herself through college to become a therapist.  While it was a hard time financially and emotionally, to this day, watching her fight for her dream and make something of herself is still one of my most proudest memories I have of my mom.

She was the first person to go to college in our family, the first to have a career (not just a job) and the first to move out of state.  Without her forging the way, I wouldn’t have built the life I have now. I may never have went to college or left Illinois. Watching her, though, I knew a different life was possible.

I remember a story she told me of her first day on campus.  The university she attended was about 5,000 students, which was almost triple the size of our hometown.  It doesn’t sound huge now, but in that part of the country 30 years ago, it was monstrous to us. She told me how she sat in her car and cried for so long she missed her first class.  She peed behind a tree in a secluded area because she was so afraid to step foot in those academic buildings. Thoughts of “what am I doing here? Just go work in a factory like my sisters” or “who the fuck do I think I am? I can’t do this” or “they’ll find out I’m a fraud-I’m just a dumb hick” kept running through her mind.  Yet somehow, she managed to put one foot in front of the other and made it to class.

She not only made it to that class, but all the way through graduate school.  She started college when I was 10, and completed her masters when I was 26. It took her a long time to get there, but she never gave up her dream.

To this day, she doesn’t really eat oatmeal because she ate so much of it during those first few years of school, she burnt out on it.  It was cheap, and we didn’t have a lot of money, so it’s what she ate. She sacrificed. I didn’t know these things back then, and I shouldn’t have–I was just a kid.  As I become more of the woman I am today, I can see how those years of watching my mom have shaped me as well. I can scrape by if I need to, I know how to sacrifice to go after something I want, I can live on very little material possessions, and I am a lover of learning.

I am proud of these traits I possess, but I also worry about money 24/7 and it seems enough is never enough and I force myself to scrape by even though I don’t need to, and I’m not sacrificing anymore to go after things I want.  Right now, I feel mostly numb and stuck because I think there is something out there that I want–more than what I am doing now–and I don’t know what it is or how to get to it.

I like my work, and most days, I like my job.  It’s comfortable and familiar, and that keeps me going but it doesn’t inspire me or make me feel passionate.  Its nice, but it doesn’t bring me joy. My mom’s work, as hard as it is, brings her joy. She helps people everyday.  I want that feeling too, and I keep coming back to this motto floating around in my head:

I want to clean up messes, doing it with beauty and integrity.

Organizing and cleaning have always brought me joy.  When I’m at a party and feeling out of sorts, I’ll clean the mess.  It’s comfort to me. Making spaces pretty and inviting make my heart sing.  I just want everyone to experience being cozy and joyful in something I create for them.  Maybe this takes the shape of just making my house as inviting as possible. Maybe it looks like helping a friend with spring cleaning.  Maybe it looks like a life I need to pursue somehow.

Of all the things I watched my mom do so many years ago, taking that first step into class changed her life for the better.  I feel as if I am being guided to take a first step somewhere, and I am crouching behind a secluded tree because I don’t know what that will bring. I am crouching and holding onto old thought patterns and fear, which keeps me from grabbing ahold of a new thought or idea or a feeling of freedom.  All I want right now is to find the courage to release old ways of thinking and doing. To breathe into the space of my dreams, and to take that first step towards creating a better life for myself.

Melissa Fifer, Elephant Academy Apprentice

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