5 Ways we can Stay Sane on our Fertility Journey.

As a hypnotherapist, I’ve worked with many women who have struggled to conceive, but it was only recently that I could truly sympathize.

Two years ago, I was diagnosed with unexplained secondary infertility, a very unhelpful label that basically means, “erm sorry, we just don’t know why you can’t conceive.”

At a time when we want answers, the long and often lonely road of infertility just throws up more questions. We become all too aware of every pregnancy announcement, every bump, and every parent with multiple children.

It’s easy for us to constantly compare and wonder “what am I doing wrong?” and “why me?”

We’re told to relax, don’t get stressed, stop trying, it will happen eventually, but these well-meaning remarks from friends and family just exacerbate the frustration and confusion as to why we haven’t got pregnant. It also serves to put the fault at our door, as if our inability to conceive is somehow within our control.

There has been a long old debate about the causal link between stress and infertility, and we can easily find conflicting research for both sides of the argument. I found that rather than worrying about how anxious I was, switching my focus to more helpful strategies enabled me to feel more in control of a situation I had little control over.

So here I have compiled my top five tips for helping us to stay sane on this difficult journey:

Find someone who will listen.

We don’t need our friends and family to fix the situation. That’s what we rely on the consultants for. What we want is to be heard. So we need to find a friend who will calmly and quietly hear what we have to say without feeling the need to jump in with advice.

I learnt this when parenting my son. Telling him to calm him down in the middle of a meltdown only served to exacerbate the situation. Instead, he would naturally soothe himself once I stayed close and acknowledged how he must be feeling.

It’s okay for us to feel scared, defeated, angry, and sad. These are perfectly acceptable feelings to have when we’re struggling to conceive. When we are given time to really feel these emotions rather than being encouraged to dismiss them, they will no longer overwhelm us.

Embrace the outdoors.

Rather than telling ourselves to relax, we should take action and go for a walk in nature. Whether we’re near trees, fields, or water, research suggests that taking some “green exercise” can help reduce anxiety, stress and depression (Beyer et al., 2014). Jules Pretty and Joe Barton discovered that just five minutes of exposure to the great outdoors can boost our mental health and self-esteem.

When I was having a particularly low day, like after receiving yet another negative pregnancy test result, my instinct was to hide away and wallow for a few days. But I found that when I was encouraged to go to the park and take in all the sights, sounds and smells, it really helped me to live in the moment and lift my mood.

Mental visualisations.

Studies have found that whilst our mind and body are two distinct entities, they are intimately connected. Guang Yue, an exercise psychologist, discovered that mental exercises increased muscle strength by up to 35%. It’s also well known that sports people, such as Muhammad Ali, have claimed to enhance their physical performance by using positive affirmations and visualizations.

So how could this help those of us who are trying to get pregnant?

We can use this mind-body connection to imagine our future as we’d like it to be. For example, we could picture our future self either pregnant or with the family that we are striving to achieve. We need to hold that image in our mind and engage as many of our senses as we can.

Who is there? What does our environment look like? What can we hear? Is there a smell in the air? What emotions are we feeling? We can combine this with affirmations should any doubts creep in. For example: “I am a mum,” “I am pregnant,” or “My body is amazing.”

Practicing regularly, preferably in the morning at the start of our day, will help us to achieve the best results.

Deep relaxation.

I’ve been helping women learn self-hypnosis for years, but it was only when I started having problems conceiving that I realized firsthand how valuable it was. Every night before bed, I would sit or lie down comfortably and focus on a spot on the ceiling.

Try it with me now. Breathe slowly and deeply, in through the nose and out through the mouth. We allow our vision to become blurred and hazy until we realize that it would be far more comfortable to just let our eyes relax and close.

As we breathe in, we let our tummy inflate first and then our chest. When we can’t breathe in any more, we slowly breathe out, and feel a sense of weightlessness take over. Imagine inhaling feelings of calm relaxation, and exhaling any tension or stress.

Like any form of training, the more we practice the more skilled at it we will become. Ending each day by letting go of any built up tension and anxiety will help us to sleep more soundly and awaken more refreshed.

Indulge ourselves.

I know how easy it is to become overwhelmed by negativity in the quest for conception. Some days I would just want to scream with anger at my failure to get pregnant. The drain on our emotions means self-care is so important. We need to be kind to ourselves and that means…treats.

A treat is whatever makes us feel better. For me, I’d splurge on a nice lunch out with a glass of wine, or a massage. Something I wouldn’t be able to do so easily if I was pregnant. If on a budget, we could find a guilty pleasure movie and grab some ice cream, or take ourselves camping with good friends.

Whatever it takes, we need to pamper ourselves. We deserve it.

Infertility is a daily battle and can leave many wounds. Taking time to prioritize our emotional well-being can help us feel stronger physically and emotionally, so that we have the strength to deal with whatever challenges lie ahead.

~

Susannah Saunders is a hypnotherapist and director of London Stop Smoking where she helps become overcome anxiety and addiction. With a passion for vegan living and interiors, you can be sure that she’ll either be driving her family crazy repainting or knocking down walls, or treating everyone to her very unhealthy vegan chocolate brownies.

Image: Raw Pixel/Unsplash

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