I have just witnessed what might be the beginning of the end of a relationship. A beautiful woman, who does not yet know she is beautiful, has dared to assert her opinion or idea into the lunchtime conversation and has been shot down, or dismissed or belittled, as often happens when an ordinary man finds his authority undermined.

Her boldness surprises him into thinly veiled anger. She sits now, sullen, simmering her own anger. He is talking at her and she is looking everywhere except at him.

She picks up the salt shaker and begins pouring salt onto the tablecloth. He takes it out of her hand as though she is a child, and, at that, she DOES look at him, outraged. She picks up the salt shaker again, and again he removes it from her hand and glares at her.

She then, visibly, acquiesces and actually sits on her hands, looking very much like a child. This is more like what he expects, so he softens and leans in and whispers to her.

She turns away, disgusted, with him and, perhaps, with herself. This is not new. I am then delighted to see that she picks up a crayon and begins coloring on the paper tablecloth. She smiles defiantly, as he becomes uncomfortable and agitated.

I remember moments like this towards the end of my marriage. I was finding myself, coming to an understanding of exactly who and what I am, and exactly who and what I had married. I was a traditionalist, so I stuck it out much longer than most. But you can’t deny a brand-new spine, which says, “This is injustice! You are being treated poorly! You don’t deserve this!” You can’t hear the truth for very long and live a life that denies it. That is the stuff of insanity…. and I lived that long enough.

I identified with this beautiful woman and her newly strong spine. She is on her way and I wish her courage and strength and good, good friends. That’s what I had. And today, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. She is on a new journey of self-discovery. It starts when we wake up.

I woke up one day.  I must’ve been drugged.  It’s the only explanation for how I could’ve remained asleep for so long.

I awoke in the garage at my home.  Standing before me was my husband of 14 years.  It was the end of our marriage.  He had just said something.  I re-played it in my head (now that I was awake) to make sure he actually said what I thought he said.

“You threw this marriage away.”

Yep. That’s what he said. There were “reasons” for the end of our marriage (you know — the “Franz-Ferdinand-has-been-assassinated” reasons, the “Pearl-Harbor” reasons, not the “tensions-have-been-building-to-this-for-years” reasons). Bluntly stated, he began secretly cross-dressing, then had an affair with a man (total stranger, internet hook-up) and gave me a sexually transmitted disease.

These reasons had the same effect on everyone who heard them; shock, followed by whole hearted agreement that divorce was an appropriate response. The underlying causes, as they say, were also compelling. Fourteen years before, I had embraced life with a narcissist. I was an empath, out to save everyone I met, so it was a perfect fit!  But as I grew more confident, more self-respecting, he grew more rageful and controlling.  But, I threw our marriage away.  <blink>

In that precise moment, all of the previously fuzzy instances of his total disrespect and disregard for me paraded chronologically through my mind, now with perfect clarity, along with instances of my own blindness, weakness and acceptance of his derision.  I thought.  “OMYGOD!  You’ve been saying crazy things like that all along, haven’t you?!!”  It was a joyous moment! It wasn’t me!  It was him!

I think his intention in saying such a thing was to make me feel guilty, to make me re-think my decision to divorce.  But the result was me feeling totally justified and vindicated, to the point where I never looked back, never had a moment’s regret, never even felt the need to mourn.  I’m grateful that he went that far; far enough to wake me up.

I think we continually experience awakenings throughout our lives, some more significant than others.  This one, for me, was pretty significant.  Since that day, I have never allowed myself to be abused or bullied.  I no longer automatically think I must be the crazy one.  I treat myself better than that now.

Some of our awakenings are exciting epiphanies, like that one was.  Some, I think, are just gradual realizations and new understandings of ourselves and our world.   And there’s always an aspect to any awakening that is all about coming to your own conclusions, about disregarding what anyone else is saying and cutting through all the crap to your own gut, your own inner wisdom.  I had a friend who had been telling me for years that I was being treated poorly.  At the same time my husband was attempting to convince me that I deserved the treatment I was getting.  In that moment of clarity, none of what either of them said mattered.  Only my knowing mattered. Only the truth that I found in the deepest part of myself mattered.

I really wanted to reach out to that woman in the restaurant and let her know that her truth would be revealed to her one day soon.  And to let her know that love would come her way again, as it did for me. She would fall in love and fall hard. And it would be the most beautiful love story of her life. And the object of her devotion, longing, admiration and deep respect would be that beautiful goddess staring back at her from her mirror.

She wouldn’t have believed me. Not yet. But she will. We are coming alive, many of us. And ordinary men will have to step up or be forgotten.