“See you tonight, like we planned?” I said, as we hugged and I grabbed my bag, headed toward the door.  She seemed weird, a little off that morning.  For the entire last week, actually.  She seemed like she had been avoiding.  In retrospect, I see now that she had totally been avoiding me.  But, I chose not to listen to myself.  Sometimes, its easier to close your eyes and act like nothings wrong…. at least in the short term.

“Yeah, I will call you when I am finishing work” she said, eyes shifting to avoid contact with mine

Those were the last words we spoke in person, the last time I was to see her.  Dont be sad, this isnt a “and she died a tragic death on the way to work” story.  This is a classic story i guess, a story so universal it doesnt need to be told again.  But to me it is unique, uniquely mine, and the pain is uniquely mine.  Heartache is peculiar that way, in the way that we intellectually know it happens everyday, and has been since the beginning of time, it still feels so unique when it happens to us.

Later that evening, she called me, she had not, she explained, went to work after all.  Instead she had went and visited her mom

“That is great babe, ,I am glad you guys  got to spend some time together!  I’m headed your way now, see you soon! ”  I said, jumping in my car, excited to spend a rare night alone together.

“I hurt my back, it really hurts bad” she said, the pain coming through her voice

” Awe babe, that sucks, what happened?” I questioned, concerned

She explained to me that she wasn’t sure exactly what happened, but it hurt really badly and she didt feel like doing much of anything tonight. I told her not to worry, I was on my way, and I would take extra special care of her, asking if she was hungry and wanted me to pick up our favorite take out.

“Not really, I actually just want to be alone tonight” she sighed

Disappointed, I told her I completely understand, and to call me if she needed anything at all.

“Love you babe, be good to yourself tonight and let me know if you need anything. I will just see you tomorrow” I said, hanging up

As  I turned to point my car back in the direction of home, there was a slight tightness in my chest and queasy feeling in my stomach.  The thought of her avoiding me returned. I pushed out the doubt and told myself to trust her, shaming myself for being so insecure.

The next afternoon, I pulled out my driveway to head to her place. “call M” I instructed Siri.   She answered, sounding a bit groggy.

“hey baby, How’s the back feeling?  better I hope?”

She said it wasn’t feeling much better at all, and she didn’t sleep well.  Her voice sounded dead and empty, distant.  I told her I was on my way to her place, and not to worry, I was going to take good care of her.

“Im really not feeling like it babe… I am feeling weird and don’t feel like being around anyone….Im sorry.”  she sighed

“Its ok, I mean, I am disappointed and really miss you, but I totally get it. ”

” Yeah, I don’t know what’s wrong, I just feel weird”  she said, sounding more distant, almost distracted

“Don’t worry about it, I just hate that we missed the entire weekend together, especially considering we didnt see each other on both of our nights this week” I said, hoping my voice didnt sound as fragile as i felt at thtat moemnt.  I needed to get off the phone immediately

“I know babe, we will see each other tomorrow hopefully”  she flatly stated,  unconvincingly

“Ok, I love you, I ‘ll call to check on you later”  I said,  trying to get off the phone as quickly as possible

“Love you too”

My thoughts raced and my heart rate increased as I turned the car around once again, at exactly the same place as the day before. The inner dialogue began, trying to figure out if i was being paranoid… or should i trust my intuition, which i had been ignoring for over a week.  The mind games began.

“Dude, everything is fine, we were in Charleston less than a month ago. Stop tripping, you can trust her.  Stop making everyting about you” my denial offered, trying to comfort me

“Dude, are you gonna ignore what is going on?  Are you just going to drive home and act like everything is fine…. again?” my intuition countered

The debate didn’t take long, telling siri to call again, she picked up

“Hey” she said

“Hey” I replied

Silence

I continued “I just wanted to call you back…. to see if…. ” I stammered, searching for the words

“I am trying to not make everything about me, but I feel like somethings up… i feel as if you are creating distance from me”  I said

“Oh no baby, its not that at all!  I was worried you were thinking that.  Babe, we are fine, i just am feeling super weird right now, but we are fine baby, I love you” she did not reply, instead there was silence

I continued “I am feeling that you are wanting to break up, that you dont want to be with me anymore” I said, praying for reassurance as the words left my mouth

“I just don’t know right now” she said, punching me in the gut,  causing me to lose my breathe., “I am scared of making the wrong decision” she said, “but yes, I think I do want to end it”

“Did yo you meet someone else?  is it K?” I asked, tears welling up

“No. no, there is no one else, I just don’t know” she reassured me

Ever felt things speed up and somehow slow way down simultaneously? Well thats exactly what i felt.  I wont bore you with the remainder of the phone call.  As i am sure you, the reader have figured out, it was over.  I drove home in shock.  It was over. The woman I had spent the last 2 years falling on love with, sharing myself with, being best friends with, laughing and crying with, had just told me she didnt want to be a part of my life anymore.  The last time i saw her in person, she said “i will see you tonight”

Two months later, I pocket dialed her.  No, seriously, I legitimate pocket dial.  I fumbled with my phone trying to hang up before the call went though.  I pressed end quickly, lying to myself, telling myself i caught it before it registered on her incoming calls list.

A few hours later, proving myself a liar, the phone rang, and of course, you guessed it.  It was her.

Answer, don’t answer?  Deciding the Universe, and not I, had decided we needed to talk, i answered.

“Hey!” I answered, trying to sound confident and upbeat

“Hey” she replied

“its really good to hear your voice, I have missed it” my heart said, betraying my mind

“it really is good to hear yours too, I have missed yours too”  she responded, stumbling over her words

After explaining that it was The Universe who called her, and not me, she shared with  me she was doing great and was really happy.  I  truthfully told her i was getting there, but not there yet. (I have a bad habit of being honest about my feelings, and my ego really hates it)  We went to the “i really want us to be friends”portion of the conversation rather quickly. (just between you and I,  I missed her, A LOT)

She had been my best friend for most of the last two years.  It just had not worked out, after all.  I mean, its not like she had lied to me, or continued to talk to her ex, K, while we were togther.   She had assured me that there was no one else.  I needed to get over my ego.  I was not going to let my ego get the best of me. So we agreed, we would stay friends, because we valued each other so much, because we cared for each other no matter.

“Oh yeah, I do need to tell you though… K and I are dating, but that has nothing to do with us and our realtionship. We just ran into each other.  But there was NO overlap”  she explained.

I will not follow up this story, with a “5 Ways to Overcome Heartache”, or “10 Ways to Know if She is Lying”, or “7 Things Learned from…” or any article helping anyone do anything in any number of easy steps. The truth is, those articles really annoy the living shit out of me.  But holy shit, they are EVERYWHERE! I ask myself why i get so annoyed at those types of articles.  I’m certain my therapist could help me get to the bottom of that, but its not on my priority list.

I can only write about my experience. Phillip Seymour Hoffman, portraying Lester Bangs in the movie Almost Famous, said “The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share when you are uncool” Well, if you haven’t figured out by now, I am uncool. Seriously uncool.  But i am ok with that, most of the time.  The story shared  above is the only currency I have.  My life is comprised of stories that share how insecure I am, how uncertain I am, how imperfect I am, how uncool i really am. Let me tell you, there are not 9 easy, simple stps to becoming, or tips to becoming cool, and if there were, I would not take them.

Life is difficult, it is.  Heartache is difficult, as we all know, if we are lucky.  We learn our greatest lessons by living through these difficulties, we grow and become more whole, stronger, wiser.  We become better. Lets stop trying to find the softer, easier path.  Lets top trying to be so damn cool.  There are enough cool people in the world, seriously.  Us uncool people need more people, wont you join me?

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