“There’s no such thing as Conservative humor.”

In response to a recent essay I wrote on humor, a friend, after complimenting me on my analytic prowess in decoding theconditions necessary for comedy, asked “Why don’t conservatives have an equivalent to The Colbert Report or The Daily Show?” The following is the 140 word rant I gave in reply. 

(One caveat: I’m tortured, Jewish, and ugly)

Humor takes balls. There’s no such thing as conservative humor. The libertine is the risk taker, the philanderer, the scatalogical saint, the sodomizer; whereas the conservative is the retentive, the traditionalist, the meticulous sexual anorexic. One must be tortured, dikey, fat, ugly or Jewish in order to be funny.

Conservatives, according to Freud, have an unconscious paranoia surrounding their anuses and therefore are obsessed with their buttholes. This makes them the perpetual “butt end” of all jokes.

Conservatives take life seriously, and thereby miss the entire point of what makes life meaningful, which is the non-serious, the playful and the sexually deviant.

Conservatism seeks to preserve power, social class, and tradition; it is inherently non-subversive, non-irreverent, and therefore non-ironic. Humor comes at the expense of power’s sway, it undermines tradition, and revolts at the thought of conformity. Conservatism does the opposite.

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Editor: Kate Bartolotta