“You’re hopeless.” A doctor once told me, as I overheard him tell a nurse to put me on the list for the state hospital. A place, unlike many of my friends, I never ended up in. Thirteen reasons below are some of the reasons why.

As someone in recovery from bipolar for many plus years. I know a thing or two about getting back up off my feet and finding a way to be at peace with limited resources, not being able to have my own family, my own kids, my own career. Fighting a mental illness is a full-time job for me and not everyone understands.  I’ve experienced psychosis at times so immediate family members know to stay clear. At times, when I needed them the most. So few friends have stuck with me, as those who are still alive, it is extremely few. I’m lucky to have one of them to be my current estranged husband.

Anyway, if I can do it. You can too. If it  is mild depression. Seasonal depression. Or severe like mine.  I hope this helps.  For I know how hard it can be fighting the stigma of an illness can be as hard as fighting the illness itself.

(1) Meditation: Nothing has calmed my mind or helped me more than to be able to be still with myself. Sometimes I can’t  mediate. But the more I practice, the more I can. If you seriously struggle to be alone with your thoughts, then you may need assistance with a licensed mental health professional or a slight medication adjustment.

(2) Religious Leaders, even if their not of your spirituality or faith. 

A Chaplin in the hospital helped me one time. When she heard my history: she set aside her bible, got out her pendulum and set to test my chakras. All of them were closed. I cried for hours and hours. The nurses were worried. The Chaplin’s healing on me was the only reason I was then able to meditate, stop pacing, stop feeling anxious and start sleeping.

(3) Don’t be afraid to be a part of your recovery or to ask for help.  I was twenty when I walked myself into Wasatch Adult Clinic and said I was depressed. They put me on medications and I was then able to go back to college, after taking  a semester off.  No one can help you, if no one knows you are suffering.  Mental illness isn’t a weakness. It is a test of strength. Of the ability to be strong enough to ask for what you need.  If you are seriously unable to or blocked.  Do what you can.  Until you can get what you need.  Start small.

My doctors kept giving me heavy doses of anti-psychotics and sometimes I admit I needed them but most of the time I didn’t. Ever since I was a kid I saw and heard spirits.  I had blocked them out because it only made me more of a loser growing up. The odd kid who mumbled to herself. Nobody could hear her. The relief I felt when I finally had a doctor tell me that maybe I see spirits was the greatest blessing.  I had so many friends ask me why when I took my anti-psychotics at night, why I would start to behave paranoid or odd when I was fine all day? I took those medications at night.  It is okay to look for a different doctor and it is okay to search for the treatment that suits you.  You need to feel better. Not the doctor.

(4)  Love and forgive your inner child

It wasn’t until I was blessed to have the most loving dog who reminded me of my younger self and the most caring therapist and a year of working on me did it all come together to fall in love with me. I stopped chasing love and sex addiction in all the wrong places. Even to the point of needing a protective order or in cheating on those who truly loved and cared for me. I couldn’t even see how someone could love me, including my own husband and be faithful, as he was, since I wasn’t, and I didn’t find myself worthy of unconditional love. Now I do. I love me.

I was buried under so much guilt, loss and shame, it was hard to find myself.  It took real work. To see clearly, I had to be alone. Finally, I had to be single. I hadn’t been truly single for longer than a few weeks in decades. The confusion of hating who I was in a relationship and who I’d become was overshadowing the person I wanted to be. The healed adult of a younger child who remembers suffering sexual abuse at the hands of a babysitter when she wasn’t even old enough to go to school yet. I blamed me. I blamed her. But she was all love.  All caring. All compassionate. Like my puppy, she was only open and naive and loving to everyone. My therapist saw the true me, dying to come out. The me, who could finally say no. The me, who could finally have boundaries. The me, who could finally control her PTSD outbursts without losing almost everyone she loves and having to start over. Thank God for my parents, who never knew what I went through. I felt the pain of what happened in my body, as my mind forgot. When my parents left to go on trips, my body never forgot, I always went into the deepest depression, even to the point of a suicide attempt or a severe PTSD attack. I lit my bed on fire one time.

During therapy, I saw myself as a child, I talked with her. I loved her so much in that moment. I gave her love and protection. Honey is now with me, Rachelle.  My middle name. And the name I chose as an adult. Now I love all of me.

(5)  Get some sun or take Vitamin D supplements— talk to a doctor about the amount of vitamin D. But whenever you can bundle up or if you are somewhere warm this time of year, take advantage of the sun.

No matter how bad I’m feeling, a breath of fresh air and being out in nature is a remedy that is hard to describe.

(6) Exercise. Move.

Sometimes I have to fight hard to get out of the house. As I write this there is a few feet of snow outside my window. My dog, Sapphire, loves the snow, but even she was like this is way too much. So I put on some music and we dance. Yes. The dog does too. She’s like a young toddler.  Sometimes all i can do is dance in my bed. It is possible.  I find my ways.

(7) Find and do what you love 

Everyone has their joys in life. Ignore what everyone around you loves and think about what you love most. I had a psychic reading one time. I also do medium readings or used too before I stopped to work on me.  But he told me to focus on doing what I love. I was like. I am. But I wasn’t. I realized I loved music videos more than TV. I loved swimming more than going out to eat. Etc.  I loved dancing more than walking. I was doing what the people around me loved. Not what I loved. So I switched it up. It made a huge difference in my life. I went back to writing. The one thing I can do and lose track of time. Five hours go by and it feels like five minutes. Anything that puts you in a timeless state of mind is going to release you from your depression. I stopped writing because nobody was reading or buying my books or articles. Who cares? It doesn’t matter if you are successful at what you love or not. Do it anyway. The act of what you love is worth it. To lose yourself so fully in something you love is to be so attuned in and connected it is the best unconditional gift you can give yourself.  Who cares if anyone else enjoys it or not? And you know what started happening? I started working on a newsletter. And writing poems and I had a few people tell me they absolutely were enthralled and I should write a book. Do I tell them I have three published books? I chuckled. Leads me to my next advice.

(8) Laugh at life. Laugh at yourself.  Don’t take yourself too seriously: 

As a shy person, who is clumsy and always seems to talk before thinking I have much to laugh about. Like the time I went to an A.A. group completely sober and fell off my chair.  I laughed it off.

Just last night as I was asking to be the editor for another two years and got the name of my co-editor wrong because I was so nervous, I laughed it off. And so did he. That’s what I have learned to do. I used to cry for days but what good does that do. Most people forget what you do the next day anyway or don’t even notice what you do. They are too busy working about what they are doing wrong.

(9) Don’t let anyone gaslight you, disrespect you, mistreat you or dis-value you.

This one is difficult.  Especially if like me, you have severe mental illness and you are unable to work, have a family,  or have critical self talk on a continual loop.  I don’t believe in affirmations as being helpful to get rid of the inner dialogue. That is always going to be there, especially with mental illness.  Medications are more helpful and meditation.

The first thing is to learn not to do it to yourself or others.  That puts you on the path to be around others who will treat you the way you are treating yourself.  If you are whole.  You will gravitate to other healed adults who respect and value themselves and others, as you do.

(10) Know this. No matter what anyone says or does. You are of unconditional worth. You’re equal to anyone and everyone on planet Earth. No one is greater or less than you are.

After having an Near Death Experience after a suicide attempt in 2012, I saw the value and ripple effect of one soul. The value of both our faults and strengths. Of our unique beauty and value beyond what we could ever comprehend. That’s why I’m still alive today.  Believe, for you know deep inside, you are of so much value and worth and so is your life. We need you. Stay with us. There are so many people helping you on both sides of the veil, even if you are unable to feel their love at this time.

(11) Cry, Sit with Emotions

I used to do whatever I could to push the emotions away. I’ve cried too much. Or I can’t wallow. True, you don’t want to prolong your suffering. But sometimes you need to take notice of what you’re body is trying to tell you. Turn off your phone. Turn of your computer.  Let yourself feel what you feel.  But do it with a purpose.  That’s how I discovered what I was truly grieving for still. What i truly had to deal with in my life before I could release it.

Only you know what you need.  I was physically ill for weeks until I allowed myself to grieve a whole day for my dog. Like wallowing. Like screaming on her grave. I had this dog child for 14 years. And she was my child. I never had a child.  Faith was my child.  I had grieved but not to this extent.  But it did the trick. I haven’t been physically ill since.  Because I let myself feel when I need it.

(12)  Turn off the sad shows and put on a happy show.  

So many times in my life I would watch horror or a lifetime show. My Mom said you know when she’s depressed because she has a lifetime movie on.  Well, she knows it doesn’t help. But, it is understandable.  You want to express or watch what you are feeling on the inside.  But if you want to feel better.  Put in something that will make you laugh.

(13) Expand and talk to others. 

One of the best things I did was go to a group activity and learn about someone who was dealing with the shame and guilt of running someone over and killing them while intoxicated. And that was only one story. People got up time and again to tell their sob stories. I came home, not feeling suicidal anymore over my infidelity.  But it does the trick.  Get out of your own life and this leads me to my next one.

(14) Volunteering 

As someone who can’t handle the stress of a work environment. Seriously, I had like 100 jobs so I know this about me.  But I’m better at volunteering. When my Dad wouldn’t let me have another dog, I went to the humane society of Utah and volunteered there three times a week. It was such a joy to be with dogs again.  They are such a joy to me.  I now volunteer as an editor for a newsletter and a hospice person who sits down with people who are dying to give them company. I play games with them or try to get them to laugh or whatever I feel they need. I love it. I love both of them. Then my degree in Journalism doesn’t go completely to waste with the newsletter.

(15) Find Harmony Within the Waves of Life 

My dad at the moment is the most fabulous chef. In his retirement, now at 73, is cooking a delicious lunch as I speak. While my dog is waiting for me to play with her, as always. I’m her play dog and her Mom. But she brought laughter back to me. I remember when I felt myself laugh about a year ago with my dog, Willie, who only lived a short time, but that laugh. It felt so good. I hadn’t heard it in months.  But now I laugh all the time. And if you’re not laughing I promise the wave of life will come back to you and you will be laughing again as long as you get back up and keep swimming. I know you can.  If I can. You can too.

With love,

Your soul sister,

Please don’t ever feel this world doesn’t need you in it.