Boundaries is such a buzz word right now.  If we are talking about plot lines on property, or tennis courts, or football fields, then I am all in.  If we are talking about relationships, well…I prefer another word.

Here’s why.

There are a few reasons actually.

The first is about power in your world.  Where you place the focus of your attention.  Who has the power —and therefore responsibility to meet the needs that these boundaries are intending to meet.  Setting boundaries seems to set the actual power in the hands of the other people.  The power is outside of you.  A hard line that you don’t want crossed.  In relationships this idea is fraught with the possibility of failure and disappointment.  This thinking outsources your power to someone else.  Someone who isn’t really responsible for it.

How many times have you said, “They don’t respect my boundaries!”

Of course, we can (and I encourage you to) ask others to respect our wishes and requests.  Yet, sometimes (or often) they don’t.  There could be so many reasons this happens, which I am not going to list.  Whatever the reason, your needs being met are dependent on someone else agreeing to your request, and following through on the agreement.  If they don’t comply, or navigate exactly as you are hoping, you will usually find blame or fault with them.   Arguing ensues, and continues for who knows how long.

Another reason I question the imagery of boundaries and using that word, is that it conjures up a hard line.  Certainly there are specific situations where you make a decision and that’s that.  You really don’t ever want to talk to someone again.  Or you decide that someone is no longer allowed to use your car, or come in your home, and the likelihood that you will change my mind in the coming months or years is quite slim.  The line is clear, unmistakable, indisputable.

There are other situations where you are not quite that crystal clear about how needs will be met.  Setting a hard and fast boundary (that someone may or may not abide by) leaves little or no room for ebbs and flows of emotions, shifting needs, and creative strategies to meet those needs, without a lot of conversation which might be confusing in some contexts and in certain relationships.  How often have you set a boundary and changed your mind?

So, what then?  No boundaries?

I prefer the word ‘limits’.

The idea of limits brings to mind self-reference.  Meaning you set the limits of what you will and will not agree to.  In the example of someone not coming into your home for any reason, it means you will not open the door if they arrive at your doorstep.  In the situation if you don’t want to communicate further with someone, it means that you will no longer answer the phone if they call, or read a text if they send one (let alone respond) or read a letter if they mail one to you.  All these things are completely under your control.  It requires you to remain connected to your intentions, your needs and fully empowered to do what you can to meet them.

Does this seem more logical to you?  More powerful?  If you really want your needs to be met, it is in your capacity to make it so.

In a way, this seems more difficult for people to embrace.  Perhaps it is easier to place the burden on others to maintain your boundaries.  It relieves us from having to do the hard work of being responsible for our lives and needs being met.  Saying the things that we feel uncomfortable saying.  We don’t want to ‘hurt someone’s feelings’.   If you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say anything, is something I was told growing up.  We have been trained up from a very early age to track outside of ourselves for our happiness.  The specific ways of how this happens is a blog for another time.

Suffice it to say, the idea of setting boundaries (vs. determining your own limits) and placing the burden on others to respect them leaves you at the mercy of another person —a very powerless place indeed, while being much more comfortable.

Next time you want to set a boundary for someone else to follow, how about declaring to yourself (and others) what your personal limits are, and hold yourself responsible to follow them.  See if it makes a difference.