The work of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is often misunderstood.  The title of the work itself is confusing to many.  In fact, it has been the source of distress for some when I am invited to offer a class, so on occasion I have opted to use a different title or description.  Even Marshall Rosenberg has revealed many times that he wasn’t exactly delighted with the body of his work (he would not have referred to it as his work, btw) being called something it wasn’t.  However confusing the title is, the value and benefits of the work itself is crystal clear.

There is a flow. A flow of connection. These 5 practices will help you find your flow.

1.  Static Language
The name itself Nonviolent Communication, refers to something —violent communication.  This conjures up a wide variety of interpretations of the word violent (not to mention communication).  For this list, I am going to suggest that violent means using language or embracing an attitude in which the needs of the other person or people involved in an interaction are not of concern to you.  There are obvious and subtle ways this might be happening.

The mindfulness you can bring to a situation is to notice if you are using static language.  Are you saying things like, “It is, You are, He/She/They are”?  It is this subtle use of language that reveals your commitment to believing that what you think —your interpretation of the facts, is true, rather than sharing with another person your feelings and/or thoughts about something which is unique to you, and indicating that you are interested in knowing their feelings and thoughts as well.

Rather than saying, “It is a beautiful day!”, considering saying, “This is my kind of weather.  I just adore being able to go outside and feel the warmth of sun and the gentle breeze.”

While the example of talking about the weather may not bring a good deal of distress into your relationships, my hope is that it will offer you the clarity of how quickly you might conflate the facts with your assessment of the facts —when it isimportant to your relationship.

2.  Curiosity
One of the ways you can instantly assess where you are on the continuum of embodying the energy of NVC, is to notice your level of curiosity.  Has your interest in the other person shifted?  Are you in the mindset that you even care how they did what they did, let alone why?  In NVC terms, we call this creating a quality of connection where we see each other’s humanness.  Or are you so upset in this moment that you just don’t care?  For sure there are times when our feelings of distress are so strong that we lose our capacity to care about this.

What there is to do is just notice it.  Rather than pretend you are just always curious and a ‘perfect NVC person’, I encourage you to listen to your anger for a moment, to trust yourself.  Your feelings —including anger, are giving you important information.  Just listen.  What needs are your strong feelings directing you to address?   Connecting to yourself with curiosity (rather than judgement) as a practice will make it much easier to connect with someone else with curiosity rather than judgment —especially when it is hard.

3.  Finding Choice
It is so easy to do things you don’t particularly want to, or enjoy doing, and then blame the person who asked you to do it.  How does this happen?  Some of us desperately avoid saying no to someone we care about, so we say maybe and then everyone is tense and confused for a long period of time.  Do you avoid people, or even get angry when someone asks you to do something, because you don’t allow yourself the freedom and choice to say yes or no?

The mindfulness you can bring to this situation is a bit of slowing down.  When someone asks you to do something, take a moment to assess why you would say yes (what needs will be met) and why you might say no (what needs are met).  This is how you find choice.  With this practice you find that you really never have to say no.

Rather than saying no to someone you care about, you can share with them what it is that has you wanting to decline their invitation to do something.  Perhaps you have something else you prefer to do?  You can let them know that you care about them, and begin a negotiation.  If you want to do the thing, just not at the time they are wanting to do it, you can let them know that.  If you think you are not in a position to do the thing, yet you know someone else who has that skill and/or interest, you can share that information.

Another struggle I observe is this.  Perhaps you aren’t clear about the value of your own needs.  Do you want to keep your calendar clear on a weekend so a commitment on a Tuesday for something on Saturday is challenging to say yes to?  Do you judge yourself harshly for wanting this kind of spaciousness?  In this case, share with your friend that you are valuing a sense of spontaneity, or freedom.  Rather than say no, negotiate your own needs into the interaction.  Are they willing to have you join them on Saturday if you find yourself interested then?  Perhaps you have been feeling a bit overwhelmed with life and your commitments.  You are really wanting to rest up over the weekend.  Do you value rest?  Or do you tell yourself (and everyone else) that you aren’t doing anything making it difficult to prioritize your choice to rest?

Finding the choice in everyday situations is simple —once again, it is connecting to the needs you are wanting to meet while considering the needs of the other person and then diving into a negotiation.  Feeling confident that all needs canget met, you might relieve yourself (and the other person) of the pressure of ‘having to say yes’.  If you can easily do this, then everyone is free!

4.  Distinguishing Needs from Strategies
I was hoping that I could write this without using ‘NVC Lingo’.  This just seemed too important and I (so far) haven’t been able to come up with another way to say it.

The mindfulness to bring to this is simple, yet proves to be challenging to do.  It seems that the idea that the responsibility for meeting our needs is clearly our own (rather than the responsibility of someone else) is foreign and scary.  You might even think it goes against our nature —being pack animals and all.  More likely it has been educated into our beingness (is this even a word?) and found its way into our communication.

In our modern culture we have been educated to believe that we are autonomous and independent.  Independence is what is considered successful.  We don’t need anyone else.  The short reply to this narrative is, “I call bullsh*t!”  What independence means is we have accrued enough money that we don’t need to recognize our interdependence.

We are confused.

I can buy a shirt with my own resources, yet I fail to acknowledge the farmer that grew the cotton, the workers that harvest the cotton, the team of people that made the dyes, the folks that wove the cotton into thread, those who wove the thread into fabric, those who designed the shirt, those who work in the factory that makes the shirt—this list incudes so many; those who designed the machinery to make patterns, the growers of the trees that create the paper to print patterns on, the folks who know how to operate the machinery.  Let’s remember all the people who work in the company that organizes shipping of the machinery to the factory, all the people who work on all the means of transport to get the shirt to the store where I purchased it, all the folks who work at the store, and on and on and on.  We are not independent!   Possibly this is a bit of a rant?!

Humans do have autonomy.  Of course mixed in with interdependence.

Okay, where was I?   Talking about identifying your needs, and distinguishing them from how you might strategize to get them met.  Of course many needs will not be met without the agreement of others to do some things you ask for.  Reflecting back to where we were before the rant here’s my point: I need to matter, I don’t need to matter to you.  I need compassion, I don’t need you to talk to me in a particular way.  I might ask you to, yet if you say no, I can still get that need met in a variety of other ways.

The freedom and possibly relief comes in when we recognize the abundant ways we can get our needs met.  We are not reliant on a particular person to do a particular thing.  This is where we can often get hung up and confused.  We want this person to do this thing so much, that we aren’t able to see that there are likely 5-10 other ways for the need to actually get met.  Life becomes quite scarce.  Everyone is feeling the pressure.  If this person doesn’t agree to my request (demand), then I am just out of luck.  I will repeat:  I need to matter, I don’t need to matter to you.

Compassion Point:  Understand that your confusion comes from your evolutionary history.  This deep need is your very nature.  Driven by your biology.  We get afraid if we don’t matter to another because our nervous system is wired to let us know of danger and it has always been dangerous to not be acknowledged as part of the pack.  In our modern society we have more resources, and mattering to a particular person is no longer a true measure of danger (in general).

5.  Drop out of the Blame/Shame Game
I wonder if I have listed these in the reverse order of importance.  The idea of having to find blame when someone is in distress seems to be quite woven into the fabric of what we must forget when wanting to create satisfying relationships.

Finding blame just isn’t a very good use of your time.   On the very rare occasion that someone will agree with you (or you them) that someone did something wrong, without at very least adding in  becoming curious about why they/you did something that they/you knew was wrong (#2 above), you are destined to repeat the ‘bad’ behavior again.  People will apologize, (accept blame) often whether they mean it or not, whether they understand the distress or not, just to end the conversation.

The mindfulness you can bring to this is a combination of everything above.  In this space —without blame and shame ruling the conversation, you and the people you are talking with can truly find connection. You can truly explore the why and how they/you did things they/you regret or stimulated pain.  This is the place where authenticity lies.  This is the energy through which we can find intimacy and deep understanding.  This is how you find your soft place to land, and your friends find that with you.  You can reveal your profound insights about how you wish your life could be and how you might find your way there, share your deepest regrets in life (even things related to your relationship).  You can lift the weight of the worries about who you are and who you have been —inside this relationship and others.

It is in this mind and heart space where you get to be you.  No blame.  No shame.

This is what I understand the consciousness of Nonviolent Communication to be.