I was 27, never married, no kids, and called my mom every single day to cry about the guy who had just broken up with me. She told me it would be okay, not to give up, if it was meant to be it would be, and a number of other very promising things.

He eventually did ask for a second chance. I asked him why he came back. His response? “I don’t know if I gave this a good enough chance.” Not “I missed you”. Not “I want to be with you”. Not “my life is not the same without you”. Nope. Simply he wasn’t sure if he had made the right decision.

How do you think I responded?

This experience was the last time I ever called my mom when I had a problem. I realized that all she was going to do was say things to make me feel better. But I never actually felt better.

It was a very difficult and healthy realization. All I was doing was trying to escape the way I was feeling by letting someone else tell me it was all going to be okay.

Don’t Ask These People for Advice

We usually have one or two default places we go when we need to vent.

First, we turn to our friends and family who do one of two things. They either tell us what we want to hear because they want to make us feel better. Or, and we all know this person, they tell us what they think, and it’s never what we want to hear.

The alternative is turning to that trusty Facebook group. We all have at least one. The one full of strangers who love to give their opinion.

This is just a flimsy substitute for our friends and family. Unfortunately, these people don’t know us, don’t care about us, and can hide behind their phones while they say whatever they want.

If we choose our Facebook groups well, we might receive hundreds of loving responses telling us we have every right to feel that way and how dare that person talk to you like that. Of course, we do run the risk of opening ourselves up to scrutiny and the unhelpful opinions of others.

How to Ask Someone for the Support You Need

Instead, try laying the groundwork for a helpful and productive vent session.

Seek out a family member or friend that you trust. Pick a time and place with no distractions. Explain that you simply need to vent or need a sounding board.

If you only want them to listen, explain that. If you want to do a brain dump of everything that’s going on, and then ask them for some constructive feedback on solutions to the problem, explain that.

Ensure this is not a person that is going to say, “oh my gosh! Me too!” and start talking about their own experience. We want this person to truly care about you.

The last thing any of us needs when we already feel bad is to feel unseen, unheard, and misunderstood. By setting some simple expectations for the conversation, they will feel successfully supportive in the way you need most, and you will feel some much needed relief.

This is by far the simplest, most convenient, and most affordable option. Of course, not all of us have someone we trust enough to turn to.

It is possible to make a real connection with someone on Facebook or another social media platform. If you have someone, try asking that person if they would be willing to chat one on one with you via some type of video format. There’s just something about face to face that really lends to creating a deep connection.

And finally, you can always try meeting with a licensed professional or certified life coach to help you work through what is holding you back.

But wait! Don’t leave us hangin’.

Oh right… about that guy. I did take him back. It ended 3 months later, which in hindsight was to be expected. Fortunately, I’m several years of therapy down the road from the girl I was and I’m an excellent listener now. That won’t be happening again.