We are not investing in technology, infrastructure or business. We are stimulating consumption.

[editor’s note: the article below may be fictitious.]

The U.S. government today has begun sending gift cards to United States citizens. Commenting on the move the head of the U.S. Treasury stated, “given the lackluster pace of growth in the US, the high unemployment rate and the lack of innovative new businesses opening up on our shores we thought it was time to give the U.S. taxpayers and business owners a break.”

While playing Rummikub with his Secret Service detail in a Las Vegas hotel room, Former Vice President Dan Quayle commented on the administration’s stimulus effort, “Cool, this retirement package, total security (and unlimited board games with guys with guns) and a gift card in the mail, well, cool.”

Sending money to Haiti and Pakistan , and fighting wars in Afghanistan and Iraq , should have helped large corporate donors like Caterpillar, General Motors and Dick Cheney’s defense contractor friends.  With this new stimulus the Treasury spokesman, hopes to stimulate consumer spending.  Since the plan by Beyond Petroleum to put U.S. workers back to work has yet to stimulate hiring South of the Mason-Dixon line, the government is so gleeful to help out its citizens in not fighting wars or providing a timely response to an environmental catastrophe.  This stimulus plan gives consumers cash cards to afford higher gas prices, taxes and GMO foods laced with US corn products.

Given the U.S. government can not manage its balance sheet, it has decided to go deeper in debt and let consumers spend money again.  Consumers today will receive a debit card good at national chain stores and online retailers; however the cards are not good for local businesses.  The government is eager to support its largest corporate contributors—especially in front of mid-term elections.

It has taken the objective controller, the U.S. Government, two years to understand that spending money on two wars and reforming the S&P 500’s major industries (brokerage, banking, mortgages, automobiles, insurance, etc.)  is not particularly good for domestic growth.

Quayle again stated, “It is really cool that we can send our citizens to chain stores to buy processed food, full of ingredients that other countries have banned,” (BPA, parabens and Monsanto laced food like substances).  He went on to say, “It is great that we are not investing in technology, infrastructure or business, but rather paying consumers to consume stuff.  We continue to rely on other countries buying our debt to support our purchasing power.”

Seeing this as a way to finance their campaigns, senators and representatives have been appearing on NPR and Youtube urging individuals to forgo spending their cards on necessities and sign their debit cards directly over to their local venal congressman’s campaign.

Four months after the above was published on the Elephant Journal:
Tax Refunds Move to Debit Cards