“If the Rapture takes away Christians, won’t Heathens be in Eternal Bliss as well?”

elephantjournal.com’s Rapture guide for Heathens.

What’d I miss? Top 10 Things to do with your last few days if indeed the End is Super, Super Nigh. For Heathens.

The Rapture is great for Christians, if by Christians you mean those who say they’re Christians, but aren’t necessarily all good people. Because, you see, we’re not talking about Jesus beaming up just the good people: we’re talking about Jesus beaming up those who’ve signed the dotted line.

So if, like me, you’re a well-intentioned person but made the eternally-damning mistake of being a heathen, here’s a few personal recommendations for how to make the best of it.

Come Raptureday, we’re going to Hell. So, really, it’s all about living up the next few days.

It’s all about looking at the silver lining:

1. Don’t pay for anything you don’t have to, and by have to I mean, as long as you’re not going to get caught. Don’t pay your rent or mortgage. So go down to your local liquor store and loot the place. Go to Whole Foods, and eat all the olives out of the olive bar you like.

2. Eat too much. Eat whatever you like. Who cares? You’re going down, anyway.

3. Left behind? Not good enough to float up naked into the sky? Didn’t have your wick lit? Not bad enough to go to hell? Then see what nice cars, houses, shops are left behind, and do some more looting and stealing.

4. Party, of course.

5. Have lots of sex. The next few days should, if the world is ending, make the decade of free love look like a convent.

6. This one’s duh, but…call in sick to work. Take a few days off! Travel! Go anywhere?! Who cares how much?

7. Make like Brewster and spend money like it’s going out of style. It is! Money is no object, as long as you have/can steal some. You won’t need it next Wednesday.

8. Don’t do anything forward-thinking or responsible. Don’t exercise. Skip the gym. Don’t do dishes. Don’t clean anything. Don’t hang up your clothes. Don’t water plants. Pregnant? Go buy a gun. Two guns. A grenade launcher. Live it up.

9. Forget about fame and all that, and just focus on having a few really good days. Go for long walks with old friends. Make a bunch of phone calls/skype calls to friends and family. How often is someone gifted with the knowledge that life is wrapping up on Tuesday? I wonder what time, exactly. Midnight?

10. What else?