Let me f*cking tell you something.

I am fully aware that slutty Halloween costumes are not creative. I know that frolicking around shit-faced hammered in a Snow White costume that would make Walt Disney himself pop a hard-on and turn over in his grave is generally looked down upon. Please don’t tell me again how my playboy bunny costume is completely unoriginal and cliche. I see your eye rolls at the sexy pirate and sultry sailor. I see you raising your eye brows at the naughty nurse. I fucking see that nasty ass look you’re giving the bootylicious bumble bee pounding back the 1$ jello shots. Fuck. You. F+ck you and that nasty judgmental shit. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I don’t give one flying fuck if my Halloween costume is not some well thought out or witty reference to television, movies, literature or current events. I don’t fucking want to look like something from the Walking Dead or some nightmarish creature from hell. If that’s your thing, cool. Rock that Tobias Funke blue morph suit, put on a show with your Heisenburg, be fucking creative or offensive or whatever the fuck you want. You can do that because it’s fucking Halloween. It’s the one day a year you can literally be anything. You can dress like a fucking jackass and no one is going to bat an eye.

Listen here, I work 50 hour work weeks in a jeans and fucking t-shirt with ten other sweaty dudes making dick and shit jokes left and right. I can’t tell you how many fucking times a day I hear that’s what she said. I live with four dudes. Everything I own smells like old spice and testosterone. For ONE fucking night of the year, I want to put my tits and ass on display in morally questionable costume, put on some hoochie heels and lashes and drink. I don’t want to put any thought into my costume. I just want to look hot and there is NOTHING fucking wrong with that. At all. I’m college educated, work a good job, probably would consider myself a Feminist, and I pay my fucking taxes, so for one night a year, I should be allowed to dress like Skank White without your stank eye.

So if your costume is creative and funny, awesome. I’ll buy you a shot and we can bond over whatever fucking reference you made. I won’t get mad or pissy if you stare at my tits, because that’s exactly why I’m wearing this sexy cat costume. Hell, maybe we can ever go pound back some jello shots with the bootylicious bumble-bee in the corner. But the minute your judgey stank eye comes out when the sexy lady cop or a shirtless lumberjack walks into the door. I’m done. Because come on dude, you’re painted blue wearing cut-off denim shorts. Do you really think you’re in a place to be judging anyone?

So this Halloween, be safe, don’t take too many jello shots, don’t drink and drive, check your kids candy, and don’t be a jackass.

TL;DR I know I’m dressed like a slut. Can’t we both just enjoy Halloween?