It seems like every year Americans go crazy about a different kind of monster. In 2010 it was vampires. In 2011 it was zombies.

This begs the question: what will be the monster of 2012? I’d like to make a few suggestions.

The Adaro

According to Wikipedia (the source of all cultural knowledge) the adaro are “malevolent mermen” with a swordfish type horn growing out of its head and a dorsal fin.

The adaro travel along rainbows and shoot poisonous fish at humans.

Did you hear that? Freaking Mermen doing the slip-n-slide down a rainbow and shooting poisonous fish at people! It’s like Waterworld, except good. I feel like Taylor Lautner’s abs could really be put to good use as a merman.

Were-Jaguars

Forget about werewolves in 2012, because there are a whole host of were-creatures to choose from. Were-jaguars have been around since about 1500 BCE when the Olmec (a pre-Columbian society) carved a bunch of the creatures on their pots.

There are also were-monkeys and half vampire-half werewolf creatures. I’m really for this last one, so that we can finally end the Edward-Jacob debate. You get the best of both worlds. Now if one of them will just eat Miley Cyrus, I’ll once again be able to use that phrase without getting a crappy song stuck in my head.

Incubus/Succubus

The description of an Incubus is: “Male night-demon and rapist.” Well that’s going to change the way I listen to the band from now on. The Incubus, and their female counterpart the Succubus, are medieval demons that stalk the night looking for someone to hook up with. Too many encounters with the Incubi/Succubi and you will get sick and die. Now that’s what I call medieval birth control.

Pollo Maligno 

Pollo Maligno is Spanish for Evil Chicken. This evil chicken haunts the forests of Columbia and lures hunters deep into the dark depths in order to devour them.

I’ve always been suspicious of chickens. They seem sinister; I want to know what they’re plotting up in the hen-house. Just imagine “Revenge of the Poultry.” It could be an ethical animal treatment cautionary tale. Now you’re the one stuck in a tiny cage while the chickens raise and eat you.

The Al

The Al are truly terrifying because they steal women’s livers. That’s not right. Robbing women of their ability to drink alcohol is a horror story that would keep me up all night.

The only reason I managed a basic level of competency in my last job interview is because I took a shot of tequila immediately beforehand.

So there are five monsters for the new year. Let’s just all be thankful there’s only one more Twilight movie to get through and pray that Stephanie Meyer doesn’t get a hold of this post, or else we’ll be dealing with celibate mer-people for the next five years.

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Lauren Baity is an elephant journal intern. By night she plays roller derby with the Denver Roller Dolls and skates under the name Shadow Cat.  She loves dark chocolate, good coffee, and dreams of owning a house full of books. She writes a wildly inappropriate blog here.