There is a reason that the good people of the United States are often viewed as whores and idiots by people from other countries.

It is due largely in part to you my friend, the drunken Saturday night party boy.

Recently some of my Tribe came across several of you drunken fellas’ out and about.

Now kitten, we want to help you desperate lovers out there get your fantasies fulfilled, but there are a few things you should know about approaching a bunch of glamorous, ethnically and gender diverse feminists. Namely, don’t be an idiot. It’s really simple:

>> Notice if we actually make any form of eye contact with you.

>> Introduce yourself.

>> Offer to buy us a drink.

>> On this note, notice what we are drinking (No, we don’t want a Cosmopolitan when we are drinking a Guinness—idiot).

>> Make polite small talk—Where are we from? What do we do? What was the first concert we went to? Pretend to genuinely care.

>> Tell us the truth about you. We will check for tan lines on your ring finger. We will also Google you the first chance we get, which will probably happen via our iPhone when we excuse ourselves to the bathroom. Just being honest here.

>> If it’s going well, don’t be offended if we leave. Maybe we have somewhere to be. Maybe we don’t know what the next step is in this circle dance. Offer to give us your information. If you don’t we’ll assume you’ve been lying the whole time.

>> Also, if it’s going well and we decide to come home with you, it doesn’t mean we are sluts, just horny too—and/or maybe we really like you. Don’t have a double standard of “since I already milked the cow.”  That doesn’t fly in today’s progressive dating world and it will come back to bite you in the hind-quarters, hard. Karma’s a bitch.

Now, here is what not to do.  Everything below is real and all happened on the same single evening out—I wish I could make this stuff up.  

>>Let’s begin with an assortment of pick up lines that will not work:

“Baby, You’re a 12. Want to come home with me?”  I want to know what woman ever said, “Sure why not?” to this.

“Girl, can you twirl around so I can see your backside.” No, you can’t—my front side is the part talking to you.

“Have you ever walked up to the two hottest chicks in the bar and just said, ‘I don’t give a sh*t’?“ Uh, no. We haven’t. Ever.

“It’s okay, I’m married too.” Wow, and she is a lucky lady.

>>Belligerent Drunk is never hot.

Not ever. Nope…still not now, no matter how desperate we are to “get some.”

 >>Also not hot, racism.

This was an introduction from a “white guy” (since we are naming colors),“Hi, My name is Damon, like a black guy.” I’m sorry—that insinuates what exactly? We aren’t getting it. Do explain.

>>Do not booty bump your ass into us as an attempted dance move.

We will respond (and did), “Do you normally introduce yourself to a woman ass first?”

>>Do not touch us without asking.

Ever! One of our Tribe members had her hair stroked in a bar, after which she quickly grabbed a straw out of a neighboring person’s drink and put her hair up. Smart move!

>>Do not ask us to touch you either.

This literally was a conversation:

Man A to Man B: “I want to touch you where you pee from.”

Man B to Tribe Member: “He can’t baby, but you can. I don’t normally let ‘it’ out of the gate this early in the game.” (all this as he is literally unzipping his pants in the middle of the busiest intersection in town).

Tribe Member: “How about you put your magic wand away and save that play time for yourself?”

I don’t even know where to begin with this conversation. The fact it happened, the fact that a man thought it was appropriate to pull his penis out in public, the fact that he calls his penis “it” signifying some level of detachment from “it,” the fact these men were at a corporate function in suits and said this stuff in front of their boss? Really, you pick a starting point and just discuss from there.

So there you have it my friend, what to do and what not to do on a Saturday night out.  Okay, enough said. Go forth and “get it on” intelligently.

Viva La Vagina.

Love,

Maggie & The Tribe.

P.S. To the lovely young man, who accidentally bought one of our engaged members a drink and then proceeded to be coached by her for an hour on how to pick up a girl in a bar, as well as how to notice an engagement ring. We heart you and the three friends you brought over to also be educated.

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