I will begin this with a caveat—on average, men are pretty freaking rad.

They give good advice about technology and other men. They are normally pretty straight up and say what they mean. They look good in jeans. They like dogs and/or cats. They’re funny and will often share their beer with you.

The other day my mom and I were discussing my tragic love life and the dude I was dating who just wanted to talk about his feelings all the time and got pissed when I didn’t mention his new haircut. My mom  said, “Maybe, all this “men sharing their feelings” thing isn’t such a great idea. I remember the good old days when men used to repress everything and keep it to themselves, it was much less stressful.”

I L’dMAO. It’s not true of course. It’s good that dudes are “allowed” to share nowadays, but it seems to be a trend that sharing and new agey-ness is just a front for rampant narcissism and a refusal to be a grown up. So, as a handy guide, I have compiled a list of new agey, sensitive types that my friends and I have learned to avoid like the plague.

1. The Slashie (model/actor/crystal guy): I knew a girl who dated this bongo drum playing, ex male-model turned drama student. He was beautiful to look at but more high strung than a racing greyhound on cocaine. He was always talking about his motivation and his feelings, and always watching what he ate like a vegan hawk (swooping down on unsuspecting carrots and mung beans—run, mung beans, run!). Whenever he had a relationship with someone, he would give her a piece of his crystal—giving new meaning to “breaking off a piece of that” for sure. All of these things are not sexy. Avoid, avoid, avoid!

2. The Musician Guy: He loves his guitar more than you. He will always love his guitar more than you. The only thing he might like more than his guitar is attention. John Mayer falls into this category. Enough said.

3. The No Sex Guy: “I’ve decided to be celibate in order to clear my chakras.” This could mean one of two things: “I’m using this as a complicated way to get you to convince me that sex is really a spiritual practice and that you’re so sexy I just couldn’t resist you. So, I’ll break my vow of celibacy to be with you,” (this guy has been celibate for a week and a half—he thinks that’s a really long time).

Or, he has major sexual issues. I dated this guy whose long term girlfriend left him for another woman. We hooked up a couple of times, and finally he dumped me saying, “I was too sexual for him and I made him feel too animal.” WTF? Really, I’m not that sexual. Hello, issues.

This is not the only experience I’ve had with this type of guy. The popular media leads us to believe that all men are bonk-crazed sex fiends, not true, not in the new age category. Still a bit disconcerting is the “shower immediately after sex” guy. You finish and he rushes out to shower. Nothing makes a girl feel less comfortable than the “rush to the shower” guy (except maybe for the “I’ve never showered guy”—this does come up in the new age category unfortunately). I’ve even heard of a dude saying, “I don’t really enjoy blowjobs, because it makes me feel like I don’t respect you.” Whaaaaaat? What man doesn’t like blow jobs? I thought one of the biggest relationship issues out there was not enough blowjobs.

4. The Camera Man: Ahhh the camera man, the least new agey of the new age guys. Slightly unkempt, manly and always looking for the best angle. My friend dated “the camera man.” They were in a foreign country. She was presenting a travel program. He gave her a music box that played Love Me Tender. He said she had changed his life. She believed this until she was shown the music box that played Love Me Tender given to several other presenters by the same camera man. I suspect the dude had a whole warehouse of the things. It might suck when your boyfriend gives you a set of wrenches for your birthday, but at least then you know he lacks the imagination to pull off something like the music box double whammy.

5. The Conspiracy Theorist: Talking about Chemtrails does not get me hot, that is all. There is a fine line between a keen and healthy skepticism and paranoid schizophrenia, make sure that your conspiracy theorist is on the right side of the crazy line.

6.The Bad Writer: Lord preserve us from “the bad writer.” He’s moody. He thinks he’s clever. He takes a really long time to answer anything because he’s looking for a suitably pithy phrase. He thinks no one understands him—this is because no one understands him (writing without the bourgeois convention of punctuation does not make you a genius—it makes you incoherent). He makes bi-polar disorder look like it isn’t filled with enough highs and lows. He asks you what you think about his work—there is no right answer. He sucks. He will suck the life out of you, too. Leave ASAP.

There are more I’m sure. These are just some of the types I’ve discovered in my extensive research. Please fill the comments section with your advice on people not to date, or if you’ve experienced any of the above magnificent male specimens in the wild.

Teresa Ewan is a South African living in New Zealand. She has an irrational dislike of cycle shorts and is currently obsessed with mason jars. She has been an actress, an English teacher, worked in media and advertising and has generally done a gazillion different jobs and has an opinion on everything, which she believes has uniquely prepared her to have a whole lot of stuff to write about. She tries to write as much as possible—which is made harder by the way her cat likes to sit on her keyboard while she’s using it. Read her blog :http://blessedunrestthat.blogspot.co.nz

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Editors: Sara McKeown and Lori Lothian

 

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