We can read all sorts of books and articles; seek out therapists, coaches and gurus, but still not really know if we’re moving toward different territory on our journey.

When it comes to relationships, how can we tell if we’re really changing our perception, our feelings or how we approach them?

Here’s a quick list to reference to help recognize the little things we do, which highlight major shifts:

1. What text message?

We may type out a statement on our phone or computer, but just can’t bring ourselves to hit send. It doesn’t feel right, it feels off, manipulative or sabotaging, so we stop. We may not be so clear on what we really want to say to our lover, but we realize the old stuff no longer suits our perception.

We search for kinder, more fulfilling words that express our own truth. I love you. I am happy. I hope you have an amazing day.

2. Personalizing moods, words and actions

…is becoming a thing of the past. Perhaps, not every time, but enough where we notice we’re not reacting to our mate over every little things that happens. We’re able to feel the space between us where it used to be skintight with personalizing everything to mean something unflattering about ourselves.

Now when our girlfriend says that some days she feels she is not in her body, but somewhere else….we don’t take it personally. We can be compassionate and loving, because in reality it’s what we are learning to do with ourselves.

3. Forget the needle and thread

We can stop ourselves in the midst of a thought about how we can help our esteemed mate through a problem. We stop fixing this person with the hope that if we do, we’ll have what we want. Instead, if advice or information is asked for, we share it, but we don’t direct it at them with laser beam focus in the hope that they’ll finally get a clue and be what we want.

We accept them. We accept ourselves; it comes in bits and pieces, but when we start to notice we can stop ourselves from mending something that isn’t torn to shreds to begin with, we’re on a roll. We’ll also notice our mate isn’t looking for the nearest exit either.

4. Out of Control

That’s right, we’re letting our mate move out of our control.

We no longer spend an inordinate amount of time setting up scenarios with our wished-for outcome (nor are we throwing down the gauntlet when we don’t get our way). We’ve started to become accustomed to surprise and letting things happen, because now our partner wants to give that to us. It’s amazing when we allow our partner space to think, breathe and create without our help…they come toward us in the most delicious ways.

Even if their actions don’t change, holding so tightly to our mate’s every move only increases the distance between us.

Notice when we give space and allow; we can congratulate ourselves for giving our mate and us a gift.

5. Love is more than the word

Love becomes a feeling, emotion and action within us.

When change in our perception really shows up, we may find ourselves in the midst of an egoistic moment—where we’d normally have to have our way or bludgeon our partner with our words—only to find the space to drop in our heart for a moment. We find ourselves feeling softer and able to feel the love rather than hear the battle in our head.

We respond in a way to our partner that engenders more love and conciliation. Love isn’t a battlefield. When we have the awareness that our behavior is destructive rather than creative at any point in time, and we shift to the heart, we can give ourselves a huge pat on the back.

It’s not just showing our partner love, but we’re showing ourselves too. Love is our truest, most complete space. Any time we live in its place, we’re connected, more peaceful and able to share through our actions unconditional love.

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Ed: Sara Crolick