I recently wrote a post about how we attract others exactly where we’re at with ourselves.

“Let’s say your total love capacity is 60 gallons and only 20 gallons of that is love for yourself. You will attract someone else who is about 20 gallons of love.”

This is why self-love is radical love. It’s what makes the difference.

I’ve been spending a lot of my time loving me and radically changing the relationship I have with myself. I’ve been on the path for years, but it really didn’t click for me until I saw something in my relationships and those of my clients.

Most people have about 20-25 gallons or less of self-love within them, the rest is covered by fear or ego.

There’s a misconception that finding the right partner will make all the difference.

I don’t see how it can, because we’re the holders of our perception. We decide what we believe. If we have beliefs about ourselves that are highly negative, we’re probably holding about 10 gallons of self-love. How can we even expect that will change with the inclusion of someone else in our lives?

The statement, “wherever you go there you are,” applies to relationships too. Sooner or later the honeymoon phase wears off and if you have two people not loving themselves, where’s the love to give and where’s the opening to receive?

If I’ve no space to receive, which is what I use to attract: others who didn’t feel good enough to receive either, then what was I giving? The little bits and pieces I had to give came with a lot of attachment. I couldn’t give love freely, because I was practically starving from the lack of it myself.

The space to receive was nonexistent; it was filled with fear and waiting for someone to prove their worth, but of course that can’t happen when we’re both standing in the way of loving ourselves first. It’s like we believe someone else has to show us we’re lovable, except that never works!

We think something is wrong with someone who may show us love for no apparent reason. Some of us also think we need to compete in an MMA fight or some other suffering punishment before we feel we deserve some lovin’.

Recently, I was out walking, feeling connected to my joy—nature.

I was thinking about all the ways I started showing up differently for myself; from my use of language, to how I spend my time.

All the ways I’ve changed my level of self-love have started to show a return and while I was walking, I thought of the movie Eat, Pray, Love. I’ve watched it a million times. I’ve always liked the message.

Imagine my surprise when I came home and turned my TV on (a rarity) and there it was: Eat, Pray, Love playing not once, but twice in a row on the tube!

I found myself fascinated by the difference in my perception of the movie. I totally connected with her journey to self-love and not wanting to lose what she found.

I get it! I feel it!

I felt her meditation in Bali and later, her real fear of losing herself in a relationship. I loved it. I love that she discovered radical love! It shows it has nothing to do with another person.

Now, clearly most of us need more than an extended vacation on three different continents, but the gist is this little nugget: if you want big love, show yourself radical ways of love.

A few pointers:

1. Remove beliefs that no longer serve you when it comes to loving you. You deserve everything you want.

2. Release pent up emotions. I’m talking about old, old stuff. Whatever you have stuffed down, throw it up!

3. Look in the mirror and say, I love you (fill in your name). Do this once a day—it’s awkward at first, but watch what happens after a week. (I do and it makes a huge difference.)

4. Don’t ruminate over mistakes. Everyone makes them, so stop beating yourself up.

5. Don’t participate in drama. Seriously, another person’s instability is not yours to own, so release it. If they need a shoulder, be clear with your boundaries.

6. Oh yeah: have boundaries and stick to em’.

7. Do not deprive yourself of anything you truly want. Once you believe you deserve it, then treat yourself kindly and allow.

8. Accept yourself fully, completely, radically! Every bit of you: all of the zigs, zags and everything in between.

Those are just a few tips, but watch how radical love changes, who comes in and how you feel in your life.

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Ed: Catherine Monkman