I’m a bad person.

There is an ancient Indian religion known as Jainism. Jainists live a peaceful, non-violent existence as they work to break free from the the bondage of self and that viscous, black karma hole. You may or may not have heard of them, considering they aren’t on Twitter, they don’t have a reality show and you can’t Yelp ’em.

These peaceful people don’t even wear shoes; they don’t want to walk around squashing innocent bugs to death.

And I ask myself: should I be more conscientious? Am I worried about my karma and the afterlife? Is Enlightenment in my near future, or am I too concerned with my outfit as I grab my $78 Jade mat and head off to yoga?

I’m pretty sure it takes a hell of a lot more than looking cute and being able to do the Ashtanga 5th and 6th series to make it all the way to Liberation.

They say if you want to know what your past lives were like, look at your life now. It’s an accumulation of all the karma you and you alone set in motion, many moons ago. We’ve all made bad decisions, acted selfishly, maybe you’ve even gotten inappropriately drunk at your best friend’s baby shower. Some of us have done worse. And like a game of Limbo, all the wiggle room sometimes seems like it’s disappearing…speaking of Limbo, did you know if backbends in yoga are troublesome for you, it means you’re afraid to take your gaze into your past?

You might want to take a peek.

I know what you’re thinking:

I’m a good person, I’m really not worried about it.

This sounds like 60’s hippie bullshit to me.

 OK, I’m fucked. I need a hug from Amma.

According to my Qi Gong  Master, the body is 4% physical and 96% energy. Ask Obi-Wan Kenobe. According to Wookieepedia, he didn’t really die when Darth Vader swung at him with his light saber; he dissolved into energy and became one with The Force.

The Jedi Master had been living for years way out in the lonely desert, with nothing going for him except keeping watch over the fate of the entire galaxy.

Live forever? I have a sneaking feeling it might be overrated. I’m not a vampire, even though they are undeniably sexy, and there’s certainly no shortage of hoochie mamas around willing to be bitten in the neck. Believe me, I live within walking distance of Hollywood Blvd.

At least the universe is fair.

I had my palm read once by a girl dressed up as a gypsy outside a bar. She said one thing I’ll never forget: you do someone wrong, and karma will come at you 10 times as bad. And if you do something right, good stuff will find you, times 10. It’s a no-brainer. And that’s where reincarnation comes in; the unblinking eyes of the universe are on you. And if you can’t figure it all out now, don’t worry…you have many lifetimes ahead of you to make things right.

Now step to the right, thanks for playing. We have some lovely parting gifts for you…

“Yoga says instinct is a trace of an old experience that has been repeated many times and the impressions have sunk down to the bottom of the mental lake. Although they go down, they aren’t completely erased. Don’t think you ever forget anything. All experiences are stored in the chittam; and, when the proper atmosphere is created, they come to the surface again. When we do something several times it forms a habit. Continue with that habit for a long time, and it becomes your character. Continue with that character and eventually, perhaps in another life, it comes up as instinct.”

~ Swami Satchidananda, The Yoga Sutras

Epic.

The other day I saw a spider while I was in the shower. Naked and vulnerable, I had to make a choice: I could send him down the drain and wish him well in the next life, or call out to my husband to come get him and let him out in the yard.

I think I made the right choice.

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Ed: Bryonie Wise