You know it’s happened to you at least once.

Admit it. You’ve slept with a man who has called you by someone else’s name in the heat of the moment. Maybe you’ve just gotten the we need to talk speech (hopefully not in the heat of the moment)…or been constantly reminded that “Oh yeah my ex totally used to______*insert cute thing that makes you want to throw up in your mouth a little.*

This is usually the time we pick up the phone…You aren’t even going to believe what he just said. Your best friend is always good for a…shut the fuck up he did not or yeah…me too.

If not, get a new one.

I contemplated what would drive me to make that call and here it goes: the last five things I would ever want to hear come out of my lover’s mouth.

My list may not be unique—but written below is the epitome of my own personal sex/love related disasters in no particular order.

1. It’s already in.

There. I’ve said it. I’m not talking about working through sex issues with a partner if one or the other is challenged in that area. I’m not speaking of a man’s impotence or a woman’s inability to achieve orgasm. I’m taking about that—holy fuck my life this isn’t happening click my heels so I can go home—shit. The worst of the worst…the one you secretly pray you’ll never hear from anyone’s mouth ever. “It’s already in.”

Yes, we all are aware that sex is not just about penetration. We know that there are other ways to give and receive pleasure. But seriously….you know you don’t want to hear that.

(Really…what do you even say at that instance? Could you possibly hide the look of shock/disbelief/embarrassment on your face? I don’t think I could, and I used to be an actress. What do you do? Just ride it out? (no pun intended). By the way ladies, and this one is for my male readers….don’t ever ask that either.)

2. Can I try your jeans on?

This might be more common if your type happens to be in a band and/or is  a hipster. If we are lying in bed, please do not ask me if you can try on my jeans—it will not make me feel closer to you. It’s not that I don’t share—I do. But if you think that watching you cram your ass  into my stretch jeans is a turn on, honey your cheese done slid right off your cracker. I do not want to sleep with a man that is the same size as I am.

Thank you, no.

As my friend said once with her adorable southern drawl, “Apparently I need to be clear that I am looking for a man’s man.”

I am as well.

3. It’s not you it’s me.

It’s either said point blank or it is disguised as…hmmm…let’s see...You’re great but I just can’t do this right now. I have some things to work out. I may have heard a variance at one time or another. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t. A knee jerk reaction to this—I would imagine—would include a few choice cuss words mixed in with one glistening tear and a shot of whiskey.

I’ve done them all.

Truth is, the best response I’ve ever had which in retrospect has held true every time has been…you know, something?

You’re absolutely right. It is you.

Let’s face it. If someone has issues to work out, for the love of all that is holy please, do us all a favor and work them out. If you aren’t paying me I’m not doing it. I’m not your mommy, which brings me to the next thing I pray he never says…

4. You remind me of my mother.

One could say that this might not be a bad thing. I’m not suggesting that your mother isn’t wonderful of that she isn’t the best cook on the planet.

However, I do not, as your lover, want to feel that I am her. I will take care of you in ways that bring you joy. I will support you in all of your endeavors, whether or not they lean towards benefitting me. I will listen. If you are sick, I will rub your back. I will absolutely be there. You have a mom though—who I am hopefully younger than. I trust that  one mother is all you need.

Oh….and since we are on the subject: I will never call you daddy. I hope that pleases you as well.

5. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?!

Hello awkward moment number 157.

I’m going to paint an R rated picture. Why R? Because I’m a grown woman. You’re not getting “X”. It’s too much information and I’m not that giving. (Unless you’re my lover and this has the potential of happening to us….just….no.)

Yes.

You’re in the throes of passion, he pulls out the handcuffs—R rated things ensue—and its reached that moment (sometimes smoothly, sometimes shamefully)—the stage when it’s so much better if you both have hands available.

You want out. You wait….and wait. You’ve been obvious. He’s still just looking at you. You become more obvious. Same look. Hmmmm. Confusion. Yeah, hi….honey?!  And then he says it: Um…I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?

Hopefully he has just had a brief lapse in memory and this doesn’t end up with the sixth thing you never want to hear him say. “Hello? 911….We have a situation.”

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Editor: Bryonie Wise