Go ahead. Just slump.

There are all sorts of reasons to slump. The store was out of your favorite ice cream. Your favorite TV show just got cancelled. You got dumped, so now you are literally in the dumps. You might have seen it coming, but that doesn’t make it feel any better. I can feel your pain and suffering from here.

You are wrestling with irritation and bewilderment when some do-gooder comes along to tell you that it is important to watch your posture…What if you just said, No, thank you. I’d rather not! Nobody is going to blame you. Life is hard. Just slump!

It feels so good: relaxing completely, letting the shoulders sag, crushing the heart cavity. Sure it will be hard when you have to move again, when you stand up and the body is frozen in its lethargy, but you can slump standing up too! You will look like a glamorous sulking 1930s movie star—go ahead and stick a cigarette in your mouth for effect. And your sour face won’t be an act: you will be sulking, communicating cool disgust and your sharp disapproval of the world.

I know that we are supposed to stand up straight—but why? It takes so much Work. And Alertness. And why does everyone have to tell us what to do? It’s a cult, I tell you. A cult of happiness. A bunch of straight-backed folks with their happy dispositions and their positive outlooks on life that really grate on my nerves. What if I want to sulk in my dark mood?

There is a lot to worry about in the world and I have a head start with my brooding heart.

I think it is something about restriction of the blood flow in the body that slows down mental activity and generally depresses one’s overall mood. Something scientific like that—I don’t care—I am just enjoying my dark thoughts.

And, honestly, we may never have to stand up straight again in the digital age…or lift our head up from the computer screen, twist our spine or get our blood pumping. Wouldn’t that be nice? I don’t know why these inventors are working so hard to create interfaces like the Wii to get us moving—isn’t the whole point of automating our lives so that we don’t have to do anything?

Cheese and Crackers.

I would prefer to mold into the couch until I am doughy and misshapen, heart cast perpetually down to the floor with a mood to follow and a foggy brain that reinforces my belief that the world is bad.

Yes, people might abandon you because it is so hard to be around your seeping negativity, and health problems may start occurring with a rapidity that is alarming, but this is only a sign of your depth. Happy people are superficial, right? They gather in large groups and celebrate life. Yuck.

I would rather be alone and revel in my endless cesspool of negativity. Nothing is ever going to change.  Why bother? People who stand up straight are just kidding themselves. Happiness isn’t real, so what is the point? It’s like sunshine: so bright and overpowering.

I would rather roll around in the dumps like a pig in the mud and really, really enjoy it.

Won’t you join me?

Greta Garbo wanders in around 0:20. She wants to be alone:

Love elephant and want to go steady?

Sign up for our (curated) daily and weekly newsletters!

Editor: Rachel Nussbaum

Photo: Wiki Commons