Personally, I hold onto the ideal that a committed relationship is the path to deepen sexual satisfaction.

Yet, I was never so unhappy with my sex life than while I was married. Lack of sex was not the only reason for the marriage’s collapse after a mere six months; the bigger and more devastating issue was the communication surrounding our sex life.

Looking back, I see that I avoided touching the vulnerable and necessary place in myself that had the potential of bringing us together. Asking the question “why aren’t we having sex?” felt hard and awkward enough—when he didn’t notice the weeks rolling by without us having sex, I simply pointed it out and left my feelings out of the conversation.

I couldn’t talk about my feelings of rejection and admit to my own sexual needs and desires. As a woman, I felt embarrassed to want sex more than my male partner, like it was “uncharacteristic” .

I felt like something was wrong with me.

The responses I got from him ranged from, “We are busy!” to “That is just what happens.”

Thanks to the Global Glue Project, I now know from talking to couples in happy long-term relationships that expecting and experiencing a vibrant sex life long after the “honeymoon” is over is not only natural, but vital to a long-term partnership.

So how do we ensure an active sex life among other life demands?

The same way you prioritize other things in your life: we schedule it.

If an appointment isn’t on my calendar, it doesn’t exist, so it makes sense that if sex isn’t on my calendar, it also doesn’t exist.

This process is a lot easier if you and your partner agree on the importance of sex and have similar desires. Before my ex and I were married, we went through a premarital list of questions including: “What was your belief system about sex growing up versus what is it now?”

His answer was” growing up, sex was “dirty” and at the time of the exercise, he thought that sex was “a necessary form of communication.”

Meanwhile, my belief system was that sex is a form of enjoyment and exploration and fun.

If you are single and want to be in a relationship, keep looking for a partner who has a similar belief system about the importance of sex.

If you are in a relationship and you are not satisfied with your sex life, then sit down with your partner and design and schedule your sex life. It’s kind of like deciding what kind of physical shape you want to be in and scheduling the amount of exercise necessary to get you there.

You and your partner need to decide how physically intimate you want your relationship to be, and you have to schedule the time to make that happen. Just like exercise: sometimes we don’t want to, but we almost always feel better afterwards.

In Will and Laurie’s Glue Film, Will says, “There are things you’re supposed to do, cause they’re what you’re supposed to do, not cause you feel like doing it.”

If you are finding that sex has been pushed down on the priority list, make an agreement with your partner about where on the priority list it needs to live, then commit to that agreement.

Will adds, “If you have an agreement for how many times a week you’re having sex, but you don’t feel like it and neither of you feels like it, you still can go have sex cause that’s what you designed.”

So have that conversation now, and decide if it is once a week, three times a week, or every day, then add sex on the calendar.

If you have differing opinions on the number, then compromise and design what works for both of you. If one partner says every day and the other says once a week, meet in the middle and consider scheduling three times a week.

Of course, emotional intimacy is a precursor to physical intimacy. If the reason for the lack of sex is “busy lives”, then schedule sex. If there is a lack of emotional intimacy, then start with scheduling time together that promotes closeness.

A friend and her partner have “naked dates”. They schedule a weekly date and the only requirement is that they are naked. They may cook naked together, take a bath, or cuddle in bed.

There are also lots of great resources out there to help get you talking to each other, pick up a relationship book and read it together—or make a date to watch Glue Films together and talk about what resonated with you and how you can continue to move closer together.

The key is, even if you are not in the mood to have sex, but you scheduled and designed your sex life, you do it any way. A lack of sex doesn’t have to be “just what happens” after marriage. As Laurie says, almost always, you will find that “It turns out you liked it, and you do know how to get turned on.”

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Editorial Assistant: Bronwyn Petry/Editor: Bryonie Wise
Photos: Global Glue Project