On the theory that everything is exactly what it is, I recently made the choice to interview Dr. Wayne Dyer. Our time together was virtually nonexistent, and left me feeling as if I was sitting at a keyboard somewhere, typing.

Karl Saliter: “Wayne, I will freely admit here that part of me is glad that you don’t even know this interview is happening. Grabbing your responses from various Wayne Dyer quotes has a certain freedom to it, don’t you think? I don’t have any idea who you are, but when I listen to you in a podcast or an interview, you sound very sincere. I find that suspicious. Who are you, Wayne Dyer? What is your truth?”

Wayne Dyer: “My belief is that the truth is a truth until you organize it, and then it becomes a lie.”

KS: “I’m down with that. Uh, let’s go after it from an unorganized place, then. You’ve impacted more people than a thousand shrinks. You’ve got the whole life coach thing perfected way past an art form. You have more bestselling books than half the authors alive. So what’s going on in that black-track-suited body? What’s your secret?

WD: “By staying focused on what I intend to create, by believing that the universe is all-providing, and by knowing that I’m worthy of the unlimited beneficence of the Source of being, I just keep attracting prosperity to me.”

KS: “Unlimited Beneficence. Sounds like a good name for a Kirtan band. Do you pray? Why do you think it rains cash on you 24/7, while, say, a perfectly hard working writer, to pick a random example, has less than zero in his bank account, on any given day? Are you special, Wayne?”

WD: “Self-worth comes from one thing—thinking that you are worthy.”

KS: “Mmm. I take that to mean you believe that self worth comes from thinking that you are worthy. I believe we are all worthy, but then, there are gradations of worthiness, aren’t there? Like some people are completely worthy of finding a suitcase full of cash, My friend Ricardo comes to mind—he runs a dog rescue. And then some people I know, like say a gossip, are worthy of, more like, a kick in the teeth. But that’s mean. Do you ever find yourself like me, full of punitive, unkind thoughts?”

WD: “A mind at peace, a mind centered and not focused on harming others, is stronger than any physical force in the universe.”

KS: “What about a cement mixer, Wayne?”

WD: “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”

KS: “Well, I agree with you there, except that I disagree. Like if my dear friend has cancer, she can look at it as a source for self pity or as a reason to celebrate her remaining days. She still has cancer, buddy, don’t you think?”

WD: “Rather than seeing ourselves as connected to this world, we often feel we are in it to push it around and make it conform to us. Rather than accepting it, we twist it to feed our ego, creating havoc, imbalance, and what we call imperfection. Then the ultimate irony, we blame God for the very conditions we create out of the perfection that is our gift from God.”

KS:  “Ooooh! Touche, old man!  You seriously pulled that one out of your butt. I have a soft spot for that argument: a teacher of mine claims to be about as happy as his demands on life are few. Full marks. Okay, now what should I do to give my undaunted cynicism a break, and enjoy this life more fully, before I’m cruising the halls of some nursing home in an electric, three-wheeled Mobility Assist Unit, scoping for desperate, lonely crones?”

WD: “Give yourself a gift of five minutes of contemplation in awe of everything you see around you. Go outside and turn your attention to the many miracles around you. This five-minute-a-day regimen of appreciation and gratitude will help you to focus your life in awe. Remind yourself  that you are just as much a miracle as the lark and the snail. You, in fact, are what God is doing. Trust and value your own divinity as well as your connection to nature. Seeing God’s work  everywhere will be your reward.”

KSJ “Okay, so, I am divine, I am connected to nature. I am a source of love, and love is all up in me, too. How am I doing?”

WD: “Be what it is that you are seeking.”

KS:  “I am a million dollars, I am a million dollars, I am a million dollars.”

WD: “Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into.”

KS: “Okay, okay, okay. I am totally tuned into a seriously fat bank account, and a righteous ’69 VW, fully restored, sexy as all get out. I feel something. On my leg. Is that the universe, or your hand? That’s kind of scary.”

WD: “Hit the delete button every time fear appears.”

KS: “Okay: delete, delete, delete. Got it. Now. I am tuned into total writing success and abundance. When does the money part come?”

WD: “First, pay yourself. When you get your paycheck, take a percentage—between 10 percent and 30 percent—and put that away. You’ll be rich enough to be financially independent within a short period of time.”

KS: “Really? By a short period of time, are you talking geological time? Do you mean like an epoch? Because 10 percent of what I make is, uh, a kind of pretty small number. Like picture a dust mote, which is it’s own planet. With life on it. On that little planet, an ant, carrying a suitcase. In his suitcase, next to his socks, there’s a little thumb drive. The smallest file in that thumb drive. That kind of small. So anyway just put 10 percent of that little thing aside? That’s all I have to do, right? No other work involved? To become financially independent?”

WD:  “It’s never crowded on the extra mile.”

KS:  “Oh, I knew it. I knew there would be work involved. Someday, I will find a guru who just, bam, makes everything perfect. You’re a charlatan just like the others, Wayne”

WD: “All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.”

KS:  “Think I don’t know that?”

WD: “When you are at peace with yourself and love yourself, it is virtually impossible to be self-destructive.”

KS: “Who are you calling self destructive? You probably have your moments, too, buddy.”

WD: “In my world, nothing ever goes wrong.”

KS: “Check, please!”

Our waiter brings the check and I casually hand him the elecard, because jet-setting elephant writers do that kind of thing. He brings it back with a huge smile and an unnecessary announcement. He wants me. “Your card has been approved, sir.” He almost winks.

WD: “People who want the most approval get the least and people who need approval the least get the most.”

KS: “Uh huh. Listen, sorry, dude, my sister called, I have to go.”

WD: “Your friends are God’s way of apologizing for your relatives.”

KS:  “MmmHmm. Byenow.”

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Photos: Phil Konstantin/Flickr, Alden Jelwll/Flickr, Chico Fererria/Flickr

Editor: Catherine Monkman