Forgiveness is the path to orgasm.

I started a discussion with the women in my private group.

It went something like this:

“I’ve found that getting wet is a sign of trust. Not just a little wet. I mean—you know—wet, wet.  Wet like, ‘we need to change the bed linen; I need to change my clothes after we only just made out; maybe we shouldn’t sit on the couch this time baby,’ kind of wet.

I bring this up because often with the conversation of “how to have better sex,” you get advice that  tells you to work from the outside to get your desired result. For example: sex toys, lingerie, new bold techniques, date night, dance for your lover and, of course, lubricants.

I believe the major reason some couples aren’t having the kind of sex they want is because the trust has dissipated and the efforts to reconnect are focused in the wrong direction.”

With sounding alarms, the women, one by one, agreed that their bodies ability to “turn on” is directly linked to their ability to trust their partner(s).

I started thinking about the reasons why trust may have dissipated to begin with and I was immediately brought to forgiveness.

Forgiveness and trust go hand in hand.

Sometimes it’s forgiving ourselves for things that we have done, promises that were broken or to-do’s that we have continuously put off.

Sometimes it’s forgiving our partner(s) for things they have said or done, broken promises or changes they refuse to make.

Sometimes it’s forgiving people who aren’t even in our lives anymore and even more extreme, people who aren’t even living anymore.

We sometimes create identities out of the pain that we have experienced and therefore letting go of the pain causes us an even greater dilemma:

“Who am I without all this baggage?”

Our ability to open with depth and courage in the bedroom (and in life) is intricately connected to our “willingness” to shift from identifying with our problem to identifying with our source.

We can either choose to carry the problem around or wipe the slate clean. And, all too often, we keep choosing to carry the problems (small and large) around with us everyday.

Our unwillingness to forgive—to let go— justifies not doing the real work.

If we can hang on to the pain of the problem long enough we don’t actually have to do the healing work necessary to open our hearts again.

Learning the lesson is the easy part of going through romantic trials. Learning the lesson and not allowing the pain to numb or bitter the heart is where the real work comes in.

We use our stories of unforgiveness as a shield to block intimacy with our partners and with God. We know that if we wipe the slate clean, if we drop the problem, if we forgive, that we will become vulnerable. And we’ve been taught that vulnerability makes us look stupid, weak, broken, desperate, unworthy and that’s, of course, the last thing we need.

But really, vulnerability is our greatest strength.

In our willingness to be vulnerable, we soften and make space for our lover to join us in harmony in life and in the bedroom.

As it says in A Course In Miracles, “In my defenselessness my safety lies.” 

When we make the choice to be less invested in stories of unforgiveness and more devoted to stories of love, that’s when we start to experience that pleasure of uninhibited bliss with our lovers.

Forgiveness isn’t a one time deal that happens when something goes wrong.

Forgiveness is a state of being that we must embody daily in order to see the relationship with fresh eyes.

To open deeper. To receive more. To give relentlessly. To come repeatedly.

Embodying a state of forgiveness re-ignites the trust between two ever-changing souls and catapults them into ecstasy.

If we hold on to the baggage of unforgiveness we slowly close the portal that draws us into the sacred sanctuary of sexual bliss.

Sexual connection can, of course happen, without trust and love, right?

Sexual enlightenment (a phrase coined by Elsbeth Meuth & Freddy Zental Weaver of TantraNova Institute) is the process of reconnecting to God through the act of intentionally using our sexual energy to bring life into the world, and is the only way to have mind blowing sex over and over again.

The life I’m referring to can manifest as more joy in our connection with our lover(s), giving birth to a child or even creating a new project. The point is that our intention for sex isn’t basic, it’s fueled by sacred devotion.

Where a majority of people disconnect is in remembering the purpose of the trials and stumbles within our relationships. We are so quick to breakup that we fail to see that the real reason we’ve been brought together is to learn how to see love through the mistakes, mess-ups, hurt feelings and differences each day.

God brings romance into our lives to call our attention to the places in our spirits that still need to be healed. Healing isn’t a punishment we have to endure after a traumatic experience or after making a mistake. Healing is simply the process of bringing Spirit back into the body. Filling up. It’s almost like stopping to charge your phone.

And, when I say Spirit, I mean joy, radiance, peace, passion and purpose.

God uncovers the places where we can have deeper faith, greater confidence and more courage and uses the relationship as a vehicle for that growth.

Of course we can grow in countless ways outside of a romantic relationship but nothing excites the spirit more than finding a kindred soul that brings an intoxicating joy into each encounter.

That’s the place where we feel God most intimately.

In that state of drunken uninhibited release we are vulnerable to learn. That’s the place where we are at our most unguarded and we are less willing to resist being taught.

If we could remember that, in moments of extreme doubt or insecurity, we would bring ourselves back to a stronger connection with our lover and with God. Our willingness to remember the sacred purpose of our relationship would eclipse the traces of anxiety, fear and confusion that will rise up whenever romance rushes into our lives.

We would be reminded that we were brought into romance not for basic security and comfort, but to be challenged to grow into the next version of ourselves.

To grow closer to God through our intimacy with another soul.

Outside tools are great.

Use the toys, take the classes, get the lingerie, spice things up but don’t let the tools distract you from the vital work of re-opening your heart daily to receive your lover with gentleness, calmness and pure seductive joy.

Love elephant and want to go steady?

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Apprentice Editor: Brandie Smith/Editor: Travis May

Photo: Kris Krug/Flickr Creative Commons , Ghazaleh Ghazanfari/Flickr Creative Commons