Caution: f-bombs ahead!

I’ve gotten to a place in my career, my life, and with my family and friends that makes me smile.

I never thought I would be able to say and/or do that.

I can say that for the first time ever, I am able to live the life of my dreams because my business has afforded me the opportunity to meet and work with amazing people on a daily basis, lecture to various groups, travel the world, and basically have fun. I am happier, healthier, in better shape and more fulfilled now, then I have ever been in my entire 37 years.

However, things weren’t always rainbows and lollipops. If I have learned one thing and trust me there’s much to learn because, we are after all on the learning planet, is that it takes work to get to a place where you really love yourself, your life and love everyone else authentically.

Let’s rewind a decade and a half…

After my mom passed away when I was 21, I went into a spiral that knew no limits. It began with a series of poor spending decisions. Partly, because I was unable to work from pure depression and the other part, if I am keeping it real was, because I really didn’t give a fuck.

So at 22, I had no choice but to file for bankruptcy. Then I went into some not so great relationships that should have ended years before it did but didn’t for fear of being alone, not feeling good enough and whatever bullshit lies my ego told myself.

If that wasn’t embarrassing enough, I started getting sick. I mean really sick. I had pneumonia, walking pneumonia, sinus infections, bronchitis, on a weekly basis. The doctors didn’t know what was wrong with me. For 5 years, I was misdiagnosed and sicker than a dog until finally a doctor diagnosed me with Hashimoto’s. I was relieved because I thought I’ll take medicine and that would be the end of it but it wasn’t. The medicine made me worse. Heart palpitations, sleeplessness, anxiety, depression, allergies, food sensitivities, and on and on.  I was over weight even though I worked out five days a week. I looked in the mirror and I hardly recognized myself or the person I had become.

I started researching diet, nutrition and changing my eating habits, taking a bio-identical natural thyroid replacement pill, and I got a little bit better. If there was an alternative healing modality that had healing effects in existence, I would find it and try it.  Again, all this helped temporarily but nothing ever cured me.

I even went to a shrink because I thought I needed to address my emotional issues to get to the root of my physical issues. One shrink straight up hit on me. Another one talked about themselves the whole time and I felt like I was shrinking them.

However, the last one basically told me in not so many words that I was having a spiritual crisis and he gave me some books to read, one being The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It totally changed my life and not because I understood one word he was saying because I didn’t. His writing was so complicated and esoteric but there was something inside of me that resonated with the energy of the words he was writing.

So I did what any girl in my place would do, I went to conferences, on pilgrimages, retreats, lectures, workshops, and whatever else helped me to become more spiritually evolved. Here’s what I found, you’ll run into a bunch of crazies that make your life look like a walk in the park, you’ll run into people that you fall in love with because they get you, and after it’s all said and done you’ll still have this desire to keep going and searching. In the background of my searching, I suffered the loss of two super close family members, a break up and all while trying to start a new business.

I kept getting stronger and stronger so it wasn’t as devastating—but it still hurt.

It wasn’t until I found meditation that my life started really taking off. I know you’re probably going to say that you can’t sit still, your mind won’t shut up and you’re too busy. Join the club. We’re all that way.

I started with regular meditation, moved into visualization and now I am doing transcendental mediation. It’s life changing. It doesn’t happen over night, or even in a couple of days, a week or month. It happens because something in you starts to let go and just allow things to unfold. It happens because you start doing things you’ve never done before. You start finding courage in place you never knew existed. You start saying yes and why not?

It happens organically, naturally and over time. You have clarity and make decisions based on a part of your brain that you’ve failed to use before and the results are magnificent to say the least.

In Luke 17:20-21 it says, “Now when He was asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, He answered them and said, “The kingdom of God does not come with observation;  nor will they say, ‘See here!’ or ‘See there!’ For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you.”

I never got this, until I got this. Everything we need is right inside of us. Whatever you’re searching for or looking for it’s all within you. You don’t have to go any further. You just have to get to a place where you’re able to receive the information and accept it.

Here’s what I do: I meditate daily for 20 minutes, twice a day, I do longevity energetics, which is similar to qi gong for 15 minutes a day. I am grateful for everything in my life. If I see a butterfly, I know it’s my mom sending it to me and I am grateful for it.

If I get to paddle board, I am grateful for the feeling of peace, comfort and athletic prowess that allows me to paddle board. If I do yoga on the beach, I am grateful for the amazing people that I’ve met and for my flexibility and strength.

If I am in my dance class, I am grateful that it makes me feel so alive.

Basically, I see miracles when no one else does. Even rejection because I know it’s God’s protection. The more you do this along with meditation, the more your mind begins to change. Be present. Enjoy the moment.

Don’t worry about tomorrow or yesterday, all you have is right now. Whatever it is you’re doing right now, do it well. I pray like nobody’s business. I pray if I need guidance and/or help that day. I pray if I can’t sleep. I pray to make the right decisions and to touch the right people. Lastly, find the things that make you happy and keep doing them over and over again. For me it’s dancing, paddle boarding, traveling and being with my family and friends. Get out of your head with the self judgments that you will look stupid or you’re not skinny enough or you’re too awkward. No one cares and even if they do IRDGAF (I really don’t give a fuck!)—we’re all that way.

Instead of people pleasing and trying to appease everyone, I only do things that make me happy, that are fun and that I am passionate about. I’ve adopted the attitude IRDGAF because if you’re going to worry about what other people think of you, you’re going to wait your whole life to become the person that is authentically you. I wasted a lot of time thinking if I was only skinny enough, when I have a boyfriend, when I have more money, when this person let’s me, blah, blah, blah. That list you have, do it now. Don’t wait. The more afraid you are of something, the more you should do it.

At first, you’ll suck and you’ll probably be embarrassing but with IRDGAF, who cares? Do it anyway. You’ll get better and eventually you’ll look like a rock star and feel like one too because you’ll have overcome your limitations.

Some people use yoga, Tai Chi, martial arts, religion, meditation, prayer, and whatever else is out there. Whatever it is, if it works for you, it’s the right way. Don’t compare yourself to other people or try to run somebody else’s race because you’ll fail miserably. Do what works for you. The bottom line is try it and do it for a while and if it works, then you know you’re onto something. I still have challenges and I go thru stuff, especially most recently with the diagnosis of cancer, to one of my closest family members. However, once you have tools, and you change your mind and outlook, you no longer are attached to the outcome.

Lastly, the other day this client of mine, said to me, “you’re so beautiful, and sweet and you have a great personality, why aren’t you married yet?”

I used to say that God hasn’t found the right person for me and then feel embarrassed that I even have to answer that question. Now, I know it was because I wasn’t ready. I am not looking to be saved or to save someone else. I am not looking to be completed or to complete someone. I want someone like me, who’s walked thru hell and back, is a work in progress, and has made it to the other side smiling. I am there. On the other side and I am smiling.

I started dating this guy and I don’t know what’s going to happen and for the first time in my life, I don’t care because I am too busy having fun. What I do know is this. We’re as different as day is to night. He thinks I am wild, free spirited, funny, weird, independent and smart and he likes it. I can quote the bible, Jesus, Buddha, Lao Tzu and Carl Jung all in one foul swoop and I am not afraid that he won’t like me. I can just be me.

That’s it people. Just be you. Find that which allows you to be you. Don’t ever give up on your dreams or allow someone to tell you that you can’t do something, because you can. That desire/passion that you have inside of you to do that thing that you’ve been waiting on is your soul’s desire to expand and grow. Everything I’ve wanted in my life, thus far, I’ve made it happen.

In the beginning, it seems impossible, but if you don’t give up, it’ll happen. When you have a good heart, pure intentions and a desire to help people, it’ll happen.

As biggie smalls sings, “You know very well who you are, Don’t let em hold you down, reach for the stars, if you don’t know, now you know…”

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Editor: Renée Picard

Image: Fauxto_digit at Flickr