*Editor’s note: Rachel is a dear friend and yogi warrior. Last week she lost her dear friend, Sgt. Pepper and was brave enough to share the depth of her emotion with the world. Be well, Rachel and family. Love and light to you.  

~

August 1, 2014

We lost our baby today. Sgt Pepper.

Our first puppy.

Our best friend. He got sick very suddenly a few days ago and passed away today, just like that. Might as well have been a car crash with me in a hospital getting operated on.

This all feels too familiar. Overnight he became blind and severely anemic. No one knew why.

Yesterday he was okay, struggling in darkness but wagging his tail, eating well, alert. Today all of a sudden he couldn’t stand up. Pain.

He just couldn’t breathe anymore and now neither can I.

{Just breathe, Rachel}

I didn’t even get a chance to reflect over what was happening and he died on the veterinary table, not calmly and in peace but with both of us sobbing into his fur screaming no no no no no. There was nothing peaceful about it. It was absolutely horrible.

Life keeps throwing me into hell this year. Over and over again. I feel numb.

There is space between me and what has happened and I can’t understand it. Maybe I’m in shock. I don’t know.

One week ago we were running through the forest and paddleboarding and swimming and now he is buried in our backyard. I put daisies on his grave.

I miss you so much my little peppermint man. You gave us four years of absolute joy. Unconditional love. Stability. Friendship. You were the glue that brought me and Dennis together and now the whole world feels broken. Please come back to us. I’m not ready to let you go. I’ll do anything.

Bad things come in three so now that my best friend, grandmother and little baby have gone in just a few months does it mean it’s over now? Or are there more catastrophes knocking on my door before the year is over?

I’d like to know who’s running this show because I don’t know if I want to be part of it anymore.

~

August 2, 2014 

Inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale repeat repeat repeat keep going keep moving keep breathing never give up.

This is all the advice I have for you right now. Thank you for the kind words. Some day it will all make sense but to get to some day we all have to inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale sit with the pain and let it carry you forward.

I am breathing. We are breathing.

Thank you

~

August 3, 2014 

Today is a day and it looks like this. There are still blessings in the world.

It’s just a different world. Maybe I’m just supposed to keep losing my ground over and over again until I really learn what it means to let go.

I say it all the time in class: Meditate and keep meditating until you’ve learned to let go of everything you fear to lose. I have realized there are many, many things I’m not ready to lose so I guess I’m not meditating yet.

This is my path. I cannot change it. It’s leading me somewhere and I have to trust it’s where I need to go.

But it hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

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Editor: Renée Picard

Images: courtesy of Rachel Brathen