Intimate relationships bestow remarkable gifts and are compelling teachers of surrender.

They keep challenging you to open your heart, to become a gutsier, more confident, more giving person. The impulse of intimacy is to transform us, to melt our fears and inflexibilities. It wants us to flow like water, to be sensual, joyous and free.

It’s important to carefully choose our companions in all areas of life. People can help or hinder our well-being. As a psychiatrist, I appreciate how much we can understand ourselves through our relationships. Therefore, it is critical to find a partner who supports us in becoming our best selves.

What is a Soul Mate?

A soul mate is a fated romantic relationship with someone to whom you feel a special affinity. You fall in love with and support each other’s souls as well as their bodies. Support is the key concept here. You’re each other’s biggest fans and safe place to fall. The relationship is never denigrating, abusive, or based on narcissism or control. When you meet, something in you awakens, even rejoices. You can finally breathe. The wait is over–you’re home again.

A soul mate though isn’t necessarily some ideal person who will make your life perfect or cure your loneliness. Nor do you have to always like each other or agree. But he or she will help you evolve. You’ll learn from one another.

Here is a guide to help you hone your intuitive focus to make it possible for your soul mate to materialize.

1. Invite your soul mate in

Surrender into action by setting the stage for a soul mate, then notice the signs that he or she has arrived.

2. Make a wish list. 

Spend some quiet time picturing the qualities you most desire in a mate. Ask yourself: What would truly be good for me? What do I need? Intelligence? Kindness? Support? Chemistry? Wants children? Good communication skills? Is he or she spiritually connected? Also make a list of traits that are unacceptable to you such as being self-absorbed or rigid. Everyone’s needs are different.

3. Release expectations

Think of your list as a letter to spirit. You’ve put in your soul mate requests. No need to keep re-sending the letter. Now, let the list go. Hold your desires lightly in your heart but don’t push. Have faith that you’ve been heard.

4. Listen to intuition

Pay attention to intuitive signs that you’ve met someone of interest, even if he or she isn’t “your type.” These are: A sudden wave of chills, a gut feeling of attraction, or a flash of insight that this person may be right for you. Also stay aware of intuitions such as a sick feeling in your gut or a sense of distrust that warns, “Danger. Bad news. Stay away.” These will protect you from unhealthy relationships.

5. Be aware of synchronicities and déjà vu

Synchronicities are moments of perfect timing when paths effortlessly interconnect. You sit next to someone in a movie who turns out to be your soul mate. Or, out of the blue, you have a chance to go to Paris where you meet The One. Also, notice when you have a sense of déjà vu—as if you’ve known each other before. If this occurs with a stranger, say in the market, act on the situation by smiling and making eye contact. Then strike up a conversation such as asking for directions.

There is no deadline for a soul mate. One can arrive when you’re twenty or eighty, whenever the time is right. Sexual attraction is part of the bond though this may vary in different phases of life. Some of these relationships are incredibly smooth, whereas most have more challenges. However, with soul mates, two are stronger than one. You make each other better.

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The above is adapted from The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go Can Empower Your Life Harmony Books, 2014 by Judith Orloff MD).

Relephant Read: 

What to Look for in a Soul Mate 

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Bonus: How to spot a fundamentally good, genuine person and what to watch out for; and why someone in every relationship has to do this one simple thing: 

Love elephant and want to go steady?

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Author: Judith Orloff 

Editor: Renée Picard

Photo: Courtney Carmody at Flickr