This is not your granny’s advice column and you’ll have to take this article to the bottom to get to the best bits.

Shall we talk about the subject that made my partner shake his head and suggest I not do it?

Obviously, I didn’t take his suggestion seriously. Some things require introspection…questioning. Being a curious sort of wench, I’m intrigued whenever I hear someone say this about giving h**d:

 “He doesn’t ask for it anymore, so I guess it’s not a big deal.”
“I stopped doing that years ago. Never liked it.”
“He gets his three times a year. Birthday, Anniversary, Christmas.”
“I wouldn’t disrespect myself that way.”
“It’s dirty -It’s degrading -It’s a form of control—feminists and good girls don’t do it.”

Yikes! Not that we all have to like it, not everyone has the same proclivities in bed. But I’m always surprised when I am met with such vehement statements. Who said that good girls don’t do it, anyway?

My views tend to lean toward the premise that all forms of sexual expression are one more way to connect with a partner. Sex, and in this case, oral sex, is akin to sharing any other experience. Like taking a walk, cooking a meal together, talking—but obviously more intense—it’s a road to spiritual nirvana.

I’m not sure how to separate the physical connection from the spiritual, myself. When I’m that close to someone, my spirit is engaged with theirs. I won’t go into the meta-physics of it, but every sexual encounter is more than skin deep. Actually, auras converge during intimacy.

So bear with me as I voice my point of view, in support of being a little bit mouthy with a lover.

You’re not disrespecting yourself, nor being sub-subservient when you wrap your pretty little lips around your lover’s c*ck. As a matter of fact, unless you’re deliberately playing the game of being submissive, you’re definitely in charge here, self-respect intact.

He’s waiting on your decision to share that part of yourself; he’s hoping for a good experience, he’s receiving. He’s left himself vulnerable, open to his lover. I find that kind of openness sexy as hell. And my instinct is to honor it with the best h**d I can give.

Dirty? A gentleman who enjoys seeing his lover on her knees, will offer himself freshly showered. Except for those times when you’re ripping the clothes off each other and time is of the essence; in which case one would hope that there had been some degree of grooming that day. Just as you would be clean if you asked for his services. That’s a given. Feel free to say no if the lover is new and you’re just not sure about his habits.

Remember, the ball, so to speak, is in your court.

As for the other kind of dirty (nice girls don’t do that)…yes, they do.

Nice girls are aware of their lover’s needs. Nice girls are okay with sex as part of a sacred agreement between male and female. Nice girls know that when they’re enjoying the act of fellatio, they’re increasing their lover’s pleasure. Those moans you produce at the base of your throat, or the naughty words you mutter while he’s in your mouth create a to-die-for vibration on his skin.

There is nothing sexier than knowing that your lover is into what they’re doing. Speaking strictly for myself, I wouldn’t want to talk someone into giving me what I need. I’d prefer a hungry, rasped out offer that I couldn’t refuse. And that’s exactly what you could give him.

Surprise him with the offer in the morning. Not when he’s leaving the house and you’re giving him his kiss for the road. That kiss can be deliberately innocent. Wait until he’s comfortably settled at his desk, say, a half hour after he’s arrived to the office, then call him, and state your intentions.

Maybe I’m a brat but I enjoy thinking about what kind of state that phone call left my lover in. If you think he’ll be expecting the dirty girl when he gets home, give him the librarian. Keep him guessing. But above all, show him that it’s not only his pleasure you are seeking. It will be your pleasure to see him fall apart as well.

When lovers are in sync, and a woman allows the man’s experience to fuel her passion, it is possible for her to fall into a spontaneous orgasm while giving h**d. No hands, no kidding. Just the intense pleasure of witnessing his arousal can trigger release.

A genuine give and take in the bedroom is a solid foundation for long term satisfaction. If one’s not into it at all, better say so when the relationship is starting out. It’s not sexy to get a half-hearted “birthday blowjob,” I hear.

Men very much have an opinion on this. He might take it, once a year, if that’s all he can get, but it won’t be all that hot to see his partner give something she resents. Honesty, trust, genuine pleasure is what we’re after here.

It’s degrading. Let’s start with attitude. If one thinks so, then yes. Nothing a lover does will change that if the basic instinct about fellatio is one of degradation. I agree that in this instance, it would be better to just say no. There could be many reasons. Sexual abuse; ingrained social conditioning…maybe he just does not inspire that from you.

Own what you feel and state so clearly. Give your reasons; respect yourself and your partner with truth. Giving in despite your reservations is a recipe for disaster. Nothing good comes of a partnership where one person continually ignores their truth. It will spill over into other aspects of their love union. One can’t be forced into liking it.

On the other hand, if you love it, “degrading” won’t be something you think about.

Genuine service is not degrading. Sure, it might be a game you play, you might agree on the words that can be said during a spirited session of naughtiness, he might call you those things, but those are words spoken in trust. Your and his comfort level is paramount. If certain words slip out unexpectedly, and you’re not sure how you feel about it, say so. Keep it real. If smutty is what he needs, and smutty is what you can deliver, it’s nobody’s business but your own. When your lover creates safe place for the games you play, it’s all good.

It’s control. Okay. Maybe for him it is? Maybe you’re into it, or perhaps that’s a negative trigger. Talk about it. Is it part of man’s ancient conditioning to hunt a woman down and push her into a service position? Is giving h**d keeping my evolution as a woman in a man’s world and my stance as a feminist at a standstill?

I can only answer for myself. And the rest of us will have to also answer for ourselves. I disagree with women answering for other women. We might have an opinion, but let’s not disrespect each other by forcing our words into another’s mouth. Pun intended.

My stance is: I f*cking love it! Everything about it. The service, the satisfaction of knowing that I’ve pleased my man with something he needs and wants, the spiritual union we achieve because we’re both in a position of trust, the feeling of the actual thing, everything!

I respect myself in the morning. And he knows that he’s trusted me with whatever was said, whatever was done, whatever boundaries he’s crossed and that we’re good with all of it, because there was a discussion before or after.

What if he’s asked me to swallow, what if he likes to “mark” me by coming on my face?

I’m glad you asked. There are so many reasons why we prefer or need certain acts in the bedroom. It’s totally cool to ask, in a non-confrontational way (allowing your lover space to be truly honest) why he needs the things he needs. I think that falling into each other like this, with complete acceptance of each other’s words is one of the best ways to deepen the love connection. And think of it like eating spinach. How do you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it? You might find yourself with mouth open and tongue out, begging for it. Just see.

If you’re into it, and trust your man with the deed, then what’s the problem? Perhaps he is marking you as his. Perhaps you like it. Perhaps your lover rocks your world and you’re a good girl who gives amazing h**d.

A word of advice. Undoubtedly, each man has his preferences. One discovers these with time and practice. But as a general rule, I’d advise taking your time. As in…don’t approach his beautiful c*ck in a hurry.

Show him that you’re there to bring him to his knees. Let your breath reach him first. Let your cheek touch his erection softly, across your slightly open lips…to the other cheek, and back. Run your hair along his inner thigh; give him time to anticipate your tongue and mouth. Lick everywhere but there first. Listen to his subtle cues. He’ll tell you when you’ve got it right.

If you’re lucky and he’s verbal in the bedroom, he’ll teach you every trick that gets him off. Play some good music that turns you on. Have some wine. You’ve got to want this thing in your mouth. Straddle him facing his erection and hand him your pocket rocket. It can be heaven for the both of you. And if he says “good girl” with his hand fisted in your hair, you’re on the right track. Keep going.

~

Pleasure is a freedom-song, But it is not freedom.

It is the blossoming of your desires,

but it is not their fruit. 

It is a depth calling unto a height, But it is not the deep nor the high. It is the caged taking wing,

But it is not space encompassed.

Ay, in very truth, pleasure is a freedomsong.

And I fain would have you sing it with fullness of heart; yet I would not have you lose your hearts in the singing.

~ Kahlil Gibran

Author: Monika Carless

Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Eric Loeffler/Flickr