Orgasm can and should be the stuff that dreams are made of.

Why are orgasms so damn illusive for some of us? And if they’re not, can they be more than a faint and fleeting flutter of the clitoris?

Some women seem to be programmed for release, and they do so with intensity while others hunt for a decent orgasm their whole life and in the end bemoan that it is rare or worse, non-existent.

The quest for the holy grail of orgasms—the full body—can be the most exquisite experience of your life if you follow a few simple steps.

Now, there is nothing wrong with a clitoral orgasm, those are fun, and more often than not, this is the one orgasm that we are most familiar with, whether self-guided or gifted by a partner.

But oh baby, there is so much more!

And just like a finely prepared meal, there is no hurrying this…at first. The whole body is an experience and not the fast food of sexual nirvana. When you allow yourself to fall into a tantric state of being before sex, the orgasm is a given, it cannot help but happen because you’ve already unleashed all of your senses beforehand.

Full body orgasm is about engaging what’s not rational and sensible within you. It’s about losing yourself to yourself. It’s about breathing in sexual life force and then exhaling the energy that’s built up—a true liberation of your essence from the physical body that you are in.

And it’s not as elusive as you may have been told.

1. Mind over Matter: The Appetizer.

First rule: never think about the orgasm. Wait…what?! Thinking about the end result is way too much pressure. The mind is intrinsically tied to the deep pleasure of orgasm but the more we think about it, the more we tighten and scare the poor thing away.

Here is a small menu of what might get your juices flowing (literal and otherwise):

Stimulate the senses with images of romantic/sexual pleasure, or someone you’d like to have devour you in a most naughty way. That might very well be your present lover, but if you need more stimuli…I’m just sayin’.

You can decide from where you’ll dig up those images, but movie scenes, erotic magazines, online, (I meant models on Pinterest…what were you thinking?) might work. Ok, and that online, too if you do that. No judgement here, we’re all adults. Or maybe your imagination is all that you’ll need.

Visual stimulation will take you further than you think. Imagining what could be is a perfectly safe and pleasurable way to take ourselves out of the present moment which might be quite full of life’s problems. Nobody feels sexy when they’re bogged down with everyday details. Free your mind.

Take a bath with fragrant oils that appeal to you and your partner. I like oils because they feel sensual on the skin. Baths are luxury, they slow us down. They allow for our breathing to be fuller and more rhythmic, sending blood to all the places that need stimulating.

Continue with your image play and while you’re at it, take the time to tease yourself like no-one is watching. Or like someone is watching—whichever makes you hotter. But stop short of taking yourself all the way, this is still prep time.

Wear something under your clothes that has nothing to do with everyday life and that might be foregoing underclothing altogether. Imagine that chance encounter in the hallway of your apartment building with your lover pressing you against the wall, his hand sliding up your skirt. What would you like him to find there? Go with that.

Put on some music that fuels the fire. Let it roll through you, send you back to the scene of your imaginary encounter. Linger there.

2. Verbal Foreplay: Sip It Slowly, This Drink’s Gonna Burn All The Way Down.

Prepare your partner and yourself long before you take that first drink of the night.

And speaking of drinks, some alcohol to loosen the inhibitions is ok, but don’t dull your senses with too much. You want to feel all of it, remember?

Whatever it is you’re drinking, sip it. Enjoy the feel of it on your tongue and whatever he’s drinking on his tongue as well. Yum!

Sometime during the day or starting the day before, begin to express to each other what it is you’re looking forward to. Be dirty—this is not the time to be shy. Tell him what would make you drop your best lace to the floor. Ask him what he loves in a woman, allow him to be as honest as he can be, he might surprise you with fantasies you never knew he harbored.

Call each other throughout the day, send naughty bits of words via text or little snippets of pictures that he might enjoy. You want him in a rip-your clothes-off state of mind when he walks through the door. You want to be ready for his most ungentlemanly behavior. So dare to tell him things that will make you blush tomorrow.

And while you’re playing seductress, your body and mind will be preparing you for an orgasm.

3. Kiss Me Here: This Meal is Delicious!

Kissing is like tasting your desire physically. It’s never something to be hurried through so you can get to the good stuff. This is the good stuff.

I think that the best kissing is the kind that avoids the lips at first. Your lover can begin with your hand, the inside of your arm, the back of your neck, your ear. By then your lips will be aching to feel his and begging for his tongue in your mouth.

Well executed, the kiss can mimic your lovers’ skill of penetration and bring you to a frothy anticipation of his lovemaking.

Allow yourself to melt into his embrace and don’t forget that moans expressed while kissing are a very erotic turn-on that will make him want to eat you alive.

Send your partner signals that you’re enjoying his attention and that you want more.

Your own psyche will pick up on this and in turn, begin to release hormones that virtually shout “I’m ready!”

4. Dessert: Lick Your Way to The Cherry On Top.

It doesn’t have to take place in the bedroom and your usual position might be the furthest from your mind.
When you get down to the nitty gritty, and your lover begins his descent to your most secret place, allow for kisses and tongue play everywhere but there.

Take time to tease him with your tongue and mouth. Enjoy the journey. Anticipate the first thrust.

Let him kiss the inside of your thigh. Your belly. Bite your hip bone and tease your nipples with his fingers.

Let him kiss as close to your clitoris and your lady bits as you dare, but refrain him from full on mouth to vagina contact until you’re screaming for more. Teasing like this awakens all the nerve endings at the entrance of the vagina and clit. Believe me, it’s worth the wait, for both of you.

Speaking of screaming, when engaging in tantric sexual rituals, remember that your seven energy centers or chakras (perineum, lower belly, upper abdomen, heart, throat, forehead, and top of the head) become fully engaged. Your sexual energy will begin at the lower chakras and travel up to the crown, where release of the full body orgasm exits the physical reality.

The sounds you make, especially the higher pitched sounds will allow the energy to travel up. So feel free to scream and shout. You might not even have a choice in the matter.

5. When You’re Ready: O!

All these things that we’ve been talking about are really about your body relaxing into a fully anticipatory state.

By the time you allow the lightest of licks on your clit or his best hip action, your mind will have sent every signal to your body to be fully lubricated, fully pliable and ready for orgasm.

By now your body, mind and spirit will be united in wanting to release the Kundalini energy that’s been gathering at the base of your spine to explode through your crown chakra.

When you take the time to meet your partner in this way, you’re joining far more than physically. You’re feeling him in every cell of your body and also in the spaces between your cells where your spirit dwells.

By now, you‘ll be floating in space, barely aware of the physical, your body coursing with electricity and your clit jumping to orgasm at the slightest touch and the rest of your body covered in a surging power.

Just fall into it. Just experience. Don’t think. Just be. Don’t worry about what your lover is doing, or how you look or if you’ve just squirted for the first time. Anything can happen.

If you know a position that is best for stimulating your g-spot, all the better. Perhaps with your legs on his shoulders? That’s something that each couple will have to work out for themselves.

In truth, the full body orgasm is more about you experiencing yourself than anything else. The secret of the full body orgasm is that you are not having it, it is having you. All of you.

When you become comfortable with this kind of release, these steps might involve a few spoken words as you pass each other in the house, a touch of a hand, a look of lust and before you know it you’ll be bent over the kitchen counter and your hair will be in his hand while he bites your neck and slips your dress up so he can take you right then and there.

Your body will remember right away, “Ah yes. This is how we connect, this is how I let go, this is how it is to completely abandon control and feel electric.”

Tou will feel electric, we are wired for this but we’ve forgotten how to let go. We’ve been thinking too much, anticipating too much.

No matter when or how often you slip into one of these, it will be a full engagement with yourself.

Orgasm is about you, whether it is clitoral, g-spot, full body or a combo. It’s less about your partner’s skill and more about getting in touch with what makes you feel unfettered. No worries of what you should be doing.

The steps I outlined are simply a way to help you find your way back to the erotic goddess that you are. You are allowed to lose control. There is nothing wrong or unladylike about it. You only need your own permission to act with complete abandon.

If you think only about the moment you are in, the pleasure at hand and understand that orgasm is an innate knowledge that your body is attuned to, the full body experience will find you.

Its sounds like magic and it is—it’s the magic of you.

Relephant:

How To Experience An Orgasmic Kiss. {Adult}

Author: Monika Carless

Editor: Katarina Tavčar

Photo: Dennis Brekke/Flickr