May 27, 2015

There is No Shame in Taking Control of your own Pleasure.

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I wouldn’t classify myself as a nymphomaniac in the clinical sense of the word.

Although I would say I am borderline. My appetite for sex and all things sex is pretty high up there. I love it. I love everything about it. I am fascinated not just by my own escapades but by others and the overall definition of a “normal” sex life if there is such a thing.

I feel normal is whatever two consenting adults carve out for themselves in the confines of their relationship, whatever form that takes.

Before I go any further, let me make sure we are absolutely clear that the context of this conversation involves two consenting human beings who are of legal age.

So, let’s get this party started shall we?

With the whole “50 Shades of Grey” mania out there, I have had numerous conversations with friends, co-workers, acquaintances and strangers about the dominant-submissive relationship. I have found that there is a lot of misinterpretation about what it all means. I have also found that the greatest misconception lies in the belief that the dominant has all the power. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, it is the submissive who controls the entire course of this type of relationship and ultimately chooses to relinquish control of free will.

I say this to you, as a submissive myself.

I realized through the course of my sexual relationships that I found the most gratification with partners who would assume a more assertive role. I found the least satisfaction from partners who would rely on me to do everything, in essence making me command the pace of our sexual encounter and taking full responsibility for my own orgasm without putting in the work of knowing my body, or theirs.

Note: This is completely different from talking to your partner about your likes and dislikes and being active in your encounter. I am talking about someone who has no clue what they are doing and doesn’t care to learn or take the time to explore building a more satisfying relationship in the bedroom.

I got lucky. I stumbled onto a partner who was experienced and took cues from my words, body language and response to his stimulus. It was then that I was able to verbalize what I truly wanted and he was more than willing to oblige.

I found for the first time that I was able to take control over my sexual pleasure and it was liberating. No more hoping he would find the right spot, or touch me in the right places, or kiss my neck just under my ear. I simply asked him and he delivered.

I was finally able to say to another person without fear or judgement that I was tired of being in control all of the time. I am the alpha female in my life. I am always in control, always figuring things out, solving problems, handling life. Being a single mother, I handle all the responsibilities of household and work and children. I juggle obligations to friends and co-workers and family. It gets exhausting. The last thing I want to do is be responsible for handling everything in the bedroom.

I made a choice, a decision to give up control of my sexual gratification. I allowed the dominant access to my body to do with as he pleased for his gratification. Now if you know anything at all about dominants, their gratification relies on pleasing the submissive. This is not to be confused with sadomasochism. Wherein the sadist gets pleasure from another’s pain with little to no concern of the pleasure aspect.

A dominant’s happiness and release comes from the willing submission of another. And the submissive’s happiness and release comes in the surrender of control and devotion of the dominant which in turns creates devotion for the dominant and a desire to please them. You begin to realize that the dynamic is an equal give and take, the power play reversed, as a submissive I am in total control with the illusion of abandon.

In my experience as a submissive, I never felt more devotion, more attention paid to every detail of my being, more tenderness than I did in my relationship with the dominant.

Whips, chains, handcuffs, cable ties, chain link, riding crops, blindfolds, belts, ball gags, suspension, ties, hot wax, swings, elaborate knots among other things….yes, yes and yes. Yes to all of those things.

Was I ever afraid? No.

We established limits and boundaries. There was 100 percent trust and respect. If I said the word, or made a particular gesture (if words were unavailable) everything stopped immediately with no hesitation and no ill will or bad feelings. We would continue within the confines of our agreement and we both got what we wanted.

It was the most free I have ever felt. Not everyone can handle this type of relationship. It certainly isn’t for everyone. And this is not to say that I haven’t found satisfaction from other types of sexual relationships, I most certainly have. But that type of relationship speaks to my true nature.

I realized I could never fully give up control, I just gave in to the illusion.

It is okay to explore your sexuality and your boundaries. It’s okay to be open and honest about what turns you on and satisfies you sexually. I learned with the right partner, an open line of communication and mutual respect that you can get exactly what you are looking for.

There are a lot of women out there still afraid to ask for what they want in the bedroom. I found with my current partner, when having a conversation about what we both wanted, he said I was the first woman to give him the blueprint. We need to start asking for what we want. There is no shame in taking control of your pleasure. So start talking!

Relephant: