“Honey, I want a threesome.” Do these words inspire passion or doubt?

Women say that every man wants to engage in a ménage of one sort or another. I’ve known a few who don’t. But perhaps they are the exception to the rule. And it’s not only men who crave a third in the bed, women also desire what many would call a disastrous move for any relationship.

But is it truly? Are we capable of adding a third without loosening the bond of a present relationship? Can love be made better by expanding our “limited to one for a lifetime” horizons?

If you were to take a poll and ask the question, “Why do couples have threesomes?” I bet this would be the most popular answer: “To spice up the relationship.”

Well, I have taken that poll, and it was the top answer, along with:
“People get bored with each other, everyone does.” (a sad commentary)
“People like that are perverts.” (yikes!)
“We’re not meant to be monogamous anyway.”

What’s that? Not meant to be monogamous? But monogamy is the cornerstone of long lasting marriages!

All the studies that I have read regarding monogamy relate primarily to non-human mammals. Some male animals evolved to stick with one female to prevent them from mating with other males and to protect their young.

Human young take so long to develop that one could extrapolate that theory for homo sapiens as well, but I think that monogamy is more social conditioning than evolutionary advancement.

After all, how difficult is it for our ego to let go of the idea that one on one is the safest and most predictable route to a lifetime of bliss? For how long have we been taught that anything but monogamy will make you hell bound?

We crave security. We want to know that what is now will always be. So why rock the boat…err, bed?

Humans are creatures of incredible curiosity. If we were not, we would stop inventing, creating new art, writing new books, discovering distant shores…and, oh, those distant shores are so terribly beguiling! We are tempted by the possibility of adventure, we are seekers, insatiable lovers of beauty and sexual stimulation. So what’s the problem with wanting a little adventure?

Men are wired for visual stimulation and women are works of art. Can we truly blame them for what can only be a natural desire?

Women respond to male arousal and attention by instinct, an inward purr of satisfaction rumbling in our belly’s at the thought of loving caresses.

While some might say that less is more, others secretly dream of adding to their boudoir pleasure. The questions is, are we thinking it and doing it but pretending we’re not?

Let’s be honest. It’s not for everyone. But when opportunity presents itself, are we honest enough to admit that we want it without fearing public scorn?

Now, why would we care what anyone thinks? After all, we needn’t announce our nocturnal activities at the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Here’s the thing, it’s about what we think of it ourselves. Are we entering into it somewhat gingerly and with feelings of guilt or are we clear-headed and honest about our emotional capability to take the step?

Step one towards any kind of variation from a monogamous relationship is to be clear about our own feelings and expectations.

You could, if so moved, just free fall into it, no safety net, no conversations had, as long as you are prepared for the morning after. It might not look the same in broad daylight. Of course there may be those situations that pop up (no pun intended) where time is of the essence and no one is thinking consequences.

I’m not here to say that spontaneity is wrong, I’m saying that we’re responsible for our actions.

While we are not responsible for the reactions of our mates once the deed is done, a mindful relationship will incorporate the emotional and physical needs of both partners.

So where to begin?

Have mindful conversations about your personal and combined sexual fantasies. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being honest with yourself and your partner about this. In fact, it is imperative that any relationship you are in is based on truth. If it is not, sooner or later there will be cracks in your communication, resentments will arise and hearts will begin to shut down.

If you are with someone where honesty is not welcomed because it may interfere with their feelings of security, it is time to think about how long you can last in an environment of emotional confinement. I’m not a marriage counselor by trade but can say from personal experience that lack of authenticity between partners is an intimacy killer.

Once you have defined what you each need, begin to explore what meeting those needs might look like.

Yeah, this can be f*cking scary. But if a long-term relationship is your intent, then facing those fears together is the best option. I find this kind of willingness towards honesty to be quite bonding for couples. You’re in this together, it’s rather exciting actually, finding new things to discuss over wine, two people whose happiness means the world to each other.

Discuss what anticipated reactions might be. Believe me, ones you never thought of might come up after the fact, so leave a little room for the unexpected.

“Sex contains all…bodies, souls, meanings…all the passions, loves, beauties, delights of the earth” ~ Walt Whitman

Three Cardinal Rules For Sexual Exploration:

1. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Stepping into an ocean of lust is dangerous unless you know where the deep end is. You must know where you stand, what is a definite breach of trust and where you can loosen the strings.

Based on your boundaries, you can navigate any sexual exploration without worrying about what might happen. You decide what will happen. Don’t play Russian roulette and then complain that you weren’t prepared for the results.

2. Do not go back on your word.

Trust is everything. Each partner must be able to trust that what was agreed upon is not up for throwing in each others faces later on.

You must be able to trust your boundaries to each other. Trust in each others intent to not hurt each other…this is play, something to expand your love and human experience, something that you each agreed to step into.

I think that trust is the cornerstone of a long lasting relationship, not monogamy. Even in a monogamous union, without trust, there is no basis for continued growth as partners.

3. Provide after care.

Unless you are a complete cold blooded reptile, you can expect that after care will be necessary.

Affirmations of your trust, your bond, you love, in direct proportion to what your emotional maturity is, are to be expected. (And okay, I would accept jewelry as well.)

The tight, insular bond you have previously enjoyed will be stretched by your experience.

How did it feel to watch your partner love another? You might be surprised that you fell into discovering a side of him or her you never knew existed. This might bring your well of love for them brimming to the top. You might realize that seeing their joy is very important to you.

Was allowing yourself to enjoy someone new and falling into the abyss of forbidden pleasures difficult in front of the one you love…or was it exquisitely liberating?

Talk to each other and offer what is needed. It might be a day of embracing or tears or laughter. Or it might not be a big deal at all.

Agree to give support without any judgement. Not easy perhaps but necessary.

See if this was a doorway for other intimate discussions. Once trust is strong, you might find yourself delving into sharing life dreams that you’d set aside, be open to complete shifts in your love for the better.

Freedom in a relationship can spur a tight alliance to each other.

It’s not infidelity if you’ve agreed to it. It’s not fair using that term after the fact.

It’s not that big a deal. Life is for living on the edge. If that’s not you, don’t bother.

Mindful living includes being respectful of your inner truth. Stick with that, threesome or no threesome.

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Not all threesomes are one boy, two girls. Equal opportunity is fair.

Breathe. Kink in the bedroom is normal. Almost everyone is doing it.

Have fun!

~

Author: Monika Carless

Editor: Katarina Tavčar

Photo: Author’s own, Flickr