Editor’s Note: This is just one take on sexuality. Enjoy it—or not. Sex should be fun, and mutual, and extra-ordinary—not taboo. In that spirit, may this be of some benefit. ~ ed.

One of the most rewarding perks of writing for elephant journal are the connections I make with readers.

“Submission is not about never getting what you want and always deferring to others. It’s about getting exactly what you want, and allowing the Universal Dom to provide it to you by being open and vulnerable and receptive.” ~ a.n.

Last month I wrote a post that revealed much about my own personal life: Sex Clubs: What Liberated Women Need to Know.

Part of the reason I wrote that piece was because I am determined that all of us, straight, gay, bi-sexual, trans-gender or any other, can live our lives as authentically and openly as possible, without the need to hide our true selves as we have had to for so long.

I believe in equal rights as being inherently ours, not something that we should have to fight for.

The pain of hiding our realities has taken far too many lives, and ruined others.

“Whenever you do something that is not aligned with the yearning of your soul—you create suffering.” ~ Anais Nin

As a result of the aforementioned post, I was contacted by a reader who has since become my friend and fellow empath on the road to understanding the human condition.

She is a submissive. Her life, day in and day out, is lived with the mindset of being in service to her Sir, who happens to be her long-time partner and a man for whom she has the utmost in love and respect.

A mother, wife, yoga lover, CPA by profession, living an upper middle class lifestyle; this beautiful, intelligent, woman’s days are full of the usual joys and concerns that we all can relate to, but with the added intention to follow her Master’s will.

I was intrigued and thrilled to meet someone who has so fully explored her soul’s needs and has made adjustments to live accordingly.

Authenticity like this is rarer than you’d think.

It is easier to bow to the demands of society and other people’s opinions than to live according to what truly moves us.

It has been my honor to interview a woman who has taught me much about releasing expectations of oneself that do not match our soul’s purpose.

She has courage and wisdom to spare and wishes to open a door for other women to face their deepest held needs.

While this is not a subject that all will agree upon, it is our prerogative as women to live our lives as freely and of our own choice as possible. And as another friend said to me recently, if that means chained to our kitchen sink because that is what we desire, then so be it.

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot.”  ~ Anais Nin

I would like to see a day when all women will stand together for each others choices, and encourage one another’s authenticity. No matter what. Even if we disagree.

Q. What is a sub/DOM relationship in practical terms?

A. It is a relationship where the submissive party has voluntarily handed over authority/control of their body, possessions and actions to the Dominant party. In return the Dominant party protects, provides and enjoys the submissive in any way they see fit. Ideally the innate natures of each party are in line with these roles resulting in a synergistic relationship of mutual delight and adoration.

But that sounds awfully technical…the best nonsexual example I can give is that of an adoring dog owner and dog. The owner adores and delights in everything about the dog, gives commands and is pleased when the dog quickly and obediently complies. And the dog eagerly and with tail-wagging obeys and feels great fulfillment and satisfaction from seeing that their owner is pleased.

Q. When did you first become aware of your desire to be a sub?

A. In hindsight I’ve had submissive sexual fantasies my entire life. Never have I had desires of having control over or having my way with a man. My fantasies have always involved being pursued, captured, restrained, enjoyed by and submitting to a worthy Dominant male. The key word is worthy—someone who is naturally Dominant, honest, knows Himself, appreciates my adoration and service and is worthy of my trust. However, I never thought of living this way 24/7 until last fall when my Husband, now Dom, and I discussed trying this lifestyle as a way to help me deal with chronic anxiety.

I tend to over-think everything. I can get stuck in a worst-case scenario or processing loop over most any decision. So, simplifying my life by devoting myself to Him, as His submissive, allows to me make all decisions based on what pleases Him. Anxiety solved and I’ve never felt happier or more fulfilled. Again, this only works because I judge Him as wise, just, fair and trustworthy.

Q. Why do you believe that this lifestyle is freeing for women and not in any way repressive?

A. I think that just depends on the woman. I have dear friends who do not seem naturally submissive. For them, living this way and deferring their desires to what their men want would probably be repressive to their spirits. I don’t believe in telling people that this is the right and only way to live. There are many paths…this path just happens to suit me especially well, and many other women.

For those of us who are naturally submissive, who show love through acts of service and devotion, who have found trustworthy partners/Doms who appreciate our way of showing love and appreciate our need to serve that exists deeply within our bellies…there is no greater freedom; to be able to live in agreement with our deepest natures.

Q. How does this make your love better?

A. Again, I wouldn’t advocate a Dom/sub lifestyle unless it is in agreement with your and your partners’ true natures. But if it is, and therefore living as D/s you are able to live more authentically and in alignment with who you really are inside, then this can only lead to a deeper and more intimate connection.

Q. Do you share other partners and if so, how does this bond you together?

A. Yes, we share other partners and have for several years. We did before our D/s relationship conversion and have also since. That we can enjoy the pleasures of being with other partners, sometimes separate from each other, but usually together, with openness and never any secrets only intensifies our intimacy and trust in each other.

To know that our bond is so deep that we can, without jealousy, enjoy the flesh of others…to us…validates the depth of our bond. We currently have a relationship with a single submissive female. She is like a sister submissive with me to my Sir. I am bisexual and so I really enjoy satisfying my appetite for being with a woman, and I also enjoy offering her up for Sir to use for His pleasure.

Q. What would you like to say to women who are living this lifestyle but who feel judged by the modern feminist viewpoint?

A. To women who are living as a sub in a D/s relationship and feel judged or to those who feel intrigued by this lifestyle but conflicted because of indoctrination under the modern feminist viewpoint, I say listen to your gut. Listen to the deepest part of your belly—there lives your greatest driving desire. And if living as a submissive woman thrills you to your core then it can’t be wrong.

Feminism is about equal opportunities for women and the ability for women to make their own decisions. So, if you think of it that way and it’s absolutely my decision to submit to my Dominant, and it’s my decision if at anytime I wish to immediately revoke my submission, I don’t see that I am living in conflict with feminism.

Q. Can you give me two examples of sub/DOM real life situations as they would happen on a regular day.

A. One, when we shower together I wash my hair and shave, but He prefers to wash my body with soap and rinse me Himself. When it is time to be washed I stand in the specific ready position as instructed.

Two, after I prepare for sleep each night I kneel undressed before Him and ask permission to “get into His bed.” I think I enjoy this routine at least as much as He does…it just keeps me in an ever grateful state and in a submissive mindset.

I have been truly enlightened by this discussion.

Before this I did not imagine that sub/DOM situations existed outside of the kinky bedroom. I did not know what benefits a woman might reap from such a relationship on a day to day level and therefore had no reason to think about how one would struggle to find peace within society upon being open with their lifestyle.

I am thankful for the honesty with which we have been able to explore this.

May this be of service to other women living as submissive partners; this was written for you.

“And what is it but fragments of your own self you would discard that you may become free?” ~ Kahlil Gibran

Relephant: 

The Art of Domination. {Adult}

~

Author: Monika Carless

Editor: Catherine Monkman

Images Courtesy of Author/Used with permission