I want an equal partner—

one who has opinions, will debate with me, challenge me and question me, is unique and independent and can fend for herself.

Don’t misunderstand me.

I will fight for the one I love and move worlds for her, but I don’t want that to be the constant expectation. I want my partner to do the same for me.

Many relationships have one member that tends to dominate the relationship. The other member just goes with the flow, never questioning anything or self-advocating.

Those of us who are dominant in a relationship can unintentionally affect the self-esteem of our partners. Our partners become more dependent upon us and they aim to please us when they should be making sure their needs are met.

They cling onto us and make it difficult for us to have space when we need it. They rely on us for everything.

We inadvertently stunt their growth. We do them more harm than good even if they are willing to accept it.

That is not healthy.

I was a dominator in a relationship once. This girl used to giggle at everything I said. I’m light hearted, but passionate. I make jokes but not all my jokes are funny, yet she laughed away at all of them. When we tried to make plans, her response was always, “whatever you want.” If I wanted to get my kicks that night robbing a bank, I think she may have been on board.

Sure, it might sound great to call all the shots, but I want a girl who knows what she wants.

She must be up for convincing me that her plans are better or at least equal to mine. I want her to advocate for her needs. Even if I am not as interested as she is in something, if she is confident, I will give her experience a chance.

I am fair and kind, and will give my partners room for individuality and do things with them that make them happy even if it’s something that I may not want to do.

Nothing is more attractive than when our partners know what they want and how to express it. They do not act clueless. They act confident. They are not scared to speak their minds and communicate with us.

We may disagree, but the more strongly we debate and discuss issues, the more it shows we care.

I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve also been the dominated one in a relationship. I always went out of my way to make things easier for my partner. We focused solely on her needs. At the end of the day I would feel drained and lonely even though I had a partner because we shared nothing mutual during our interactions together. It was all about her and doing what she wanted and getting her things done for the day.

I want a partner that has her sh*t together.

She knows what she wants and where she’s going. She is secure in her feelings for me and my feelings for her. I want us both to matter to each other and for both of our needs to be mutually and respectfully met. I want us to be open, honest and direct with each other.

I want to be able to work through problems together instead of ending the conversation simply when one of us is content with the outcome or the other is willing to concede. We both should be happy when all is said and done.

We should push each other. We should root for each other. We should not hold each other back from our life goals.

Our feelings should be on the same page. One person should not be ahead of or behind the other in this department. We should move together, at a pace we are both comfortable with. Love with each other, not for each other.

I want my partner to share her innermost desires with me as equally as I share mine with her. I want to walk next to my partner, not in front of her or behind her. I want to be treated and feel like we are equal in all aspects of our relationship.

If we are not, I’m willing to work on it together. Something draws us to our partner. We should not give up so easily. But if we just can’t seem to get on the same page than fate is telling us we are not meant to be.

Let’s not give in to our partners so easily because we are afraid to be alone. Let’s take a risk and put all of ourselves out there.

For many of us, it might take a lot of kissing frogs before we find our match, but if we’re afraid to be ourselves, we may never find them.

Relephant:

Why I Never Want to Be “The One.”

~

Author: Adam Wilkinson

Editor: Khara-Jade Warren

Image: Pixoto